Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Last night when falling asleep I came up with a great introduction for this week’s This Week In Reviews. But I don’t remember it any more. You can be assured that it was hilarious. Seriously, really funny. Instead, we’ll have to do with: the only reviews you’ll need of this week’s releases, if what you need from reviews is lies that half the time aren’t even pretending to be reviews.

F.E.A.R. – Perseus Mandate

In this hilarious comedy of errors, you play the Greek hero at an evening of gay speed-dating. After slaying the Medusa it’s time to get suited up, come up with a convincing lie for Andromeda, and head down to the local town hall. Each of the two-minute minigames presents a unique challenge, as you try to find a lover for the Grecian monster slayer. But make sure Cepheus doesn’t find out, or you’ll be F.E.A.R.ing the inlaws!

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THEY JUST WON’T STOP. Every week, every single week, they release more of them. I haven’t finished playing all the ones they’ve already released yet, and yet they just keep on coming, more and more, more than anyone could ever play. What are they doing? (Except there aren’t very many this week). Here are the least accurate and honest reviews you’ll find on the internet: at RPS we PROMISE* that we play every game to its conclusion before lying about it in a series of throwaway comments.

CALL OF DUTY 4: MODERN WARFARE
The Call of Duty series has come a long way since the original, set during the Boer War, fighting first as a Transvaal farmer, whose carefree shooting kicks things off, and then as a British soldier running as fast as you can, while having your arse handed to you. After a brief, and ultimately mistaken foray into a traditional fantasy setting, things picked up again with part three’s Cod Wars scenarios. In this latest in the series, it’s possible that the modernity inherent in its design has somewhat spoiled the sense of tension and action, with you playing through the three territories – Britain, America and Russia – in any order you chose, simply pressing a large red button to launch your nuclear strikes. The Special Edition comes with a red button peripheral.

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Welcome one and all. Welcome to the dizzying world of This Week In Reviews – your source for the definitive information about those PC games being released over the following week. Other gaming websites may feel the need to open the game’s box before reviewing it, while the majority will give the packaging a cursory glance before saying, “8.2/10 – a fine example of its genre”. But not us. Oh no. We’re not prepared to compromise ourselves, letting the publisher bias infect our opinions by playing the games. These are the most pure, the least unencumbered reviews you’ll find anywhere on the internet. Absorb them, in wide-eyed wonder.

Age of Empires III: The Asian Dynasties

The Carrington family return, this time trying to seek oil under the entire landmass of Asia. Have they set their sights too wide? Will Blake Carrington gain complete control of the continent’s black gold output, or will evil Alexis beat him to the goal? You can play as either Denver Carrington or Alexis’ ColbyCo in two large campaigns, while attempting to fend off the advances of secretaries, shout at errant cousins, and deal with kidnapped children. Features an angry bitch-slapping minigame.

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For an astonishing one week, Rock, Paper, Shotgun has been bringing you the definitive guide to that week’s PC gaming releases. So let’s cast our mind back all that time to the very first ever This Week In Reviews, and see some of those highlights. And those haircuts.

“Here’s the coming week’s releases…”

“Each stage begins with a…”

“where they have to push the”

Good, good times. But enough with nostalgia. As one era ends, another begins, and so it is we enter a second week of This Week In Reviews*.

Alan Hansen’s Sports Challenge

Bringing unique challenges to the world of sports, Alan Hanson introduces two main modes of play. First is “How To Spell Your Own Name” – Alan demonstrates the difficulty of this with his own failed attempt at writing his name on the box. And secondly, how to play any sports – other than a goalie in foot-to-ball – with his giant mutant handfeet.

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As you know, RPS is the definitive site to turn to for PC gaming news, previews, reviews, interviews, panoramic views, plaintive mews, church pews and naked nudes. Here’s the coming week’s releases that we very likely haven’t played, with descriptions that I just made up:

Galactic Assault

The harrowing tale of one galaxy’s brutal attack by a gang of rogue planetary systems. You play universal therapist, Simon Constellation, striving to offer recovery and support for the vast victim, as the galaxy goes through all the stages of post-traumatic stress disorder.

The Orange Box

Following on from the success of The Green Triangle, Valve release the much anticipated add-on pack to their best-selling virtual version of that toy babies have where they have to push the shapes through the right shaped holes. With The Orange Box, we have hopes for improvements in the difficulty, which was perhaps a little too simple when there were only triangles and triangle holes.

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