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Swim In Adult Badness

Five Minutes To Kill (Yourself)

Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim is certainly responsible for some of the finest cartooning entertainment about, but were you aware they also make some of the most entertainingly offensive Flash games on the internet? You are now!

What about Five Minutes To Kill (Yourself)? “Stick it to the man, by sticking it to yourself.” You are in an office, driven insane by meetings, and have all of five minutes to mutilate yourself to death, using only office equipment. Perhaps viciously staple yourself in the face? Or mash your head in the photocopier? Maybe best of all, wear a paper shredder as a hat?

Read on for less wholesome goodness

How about a game of Orphan Feast? “Being the odious tale of culinary perversion,” the game explains. “Grab an umbrella to empty Tom’s sack of orphans,” the rules expound. Quite brilliantly based on the idea of taking Swift’s essay, A Modest Proposal, seriously, this is a, um, Dickensian platformer (just a couple of centuries out then) of capturing street orphans by striking them over the head and then stuffing them into a bag. Beware the police and the Artful Dodger however, whom you must beat up, as well as fat old ladies and old men with canes. Mmm, tasteful.

orphan feast

Not enough? Then you need a game of Bible Fight. Ever wondered who would win in a battle between Mary and Satan? Or perhaps you’ve long wanted to pit Moses against Noah. At last, in Street Fighter style, they can brutally attack one another. Yes, Mary is carrying the infant Christ.

Bible Fight

Then you could always play Head Kicker II, or just perhaps a game of Racist Checkers.

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John Walker

Senior Editor

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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