This Week In Reviews – Nov 9th

THEY JUST WON’T STOP. Every week, every single week, they release more of them. I haven’t finished playing all the ones they’ve already released yet, and yet they just keep on coming, more and more, more than anyone could ever play. What are they doing? (Except there aren’t very many this week). Here are the least accurate and honest reviews you’ll find on the internet: at RPS we PROMISE* that we play every game to its conclusion before lying about it in a series of throwaway comments.

The Call of Duty series has come a long way since the original, set during the Boer War, fighting first as a Transvaal farmer, whose carefree shooting kicks things off, and then as a British soldier running as fast as you can, while having your arse handed to you. After a brief, and ultimately mistaken foray into a traditional fantasy setting, things picked up again with part three’s Cod Wars scenarios. In this latest in the series, it’s possible that the modernity inherent in its design has somewhat spoiled the sense of tension and action, with you playing through the three territories – Britain, America and Russia – in any order you chose, simply pressing a large red button to launch your nuclear strikes. The Special Edition comes with a red button peripheral.

Set in 2005, you play as Channel 4’s head of light entertainment, with a decision to make over whether to hire Noel Edmonds to present your afternoon gameshow. Famous for going out of his way to have people drop dead on his television programmes, the risk is greater than simply wondering if the beardy bejumpered gnome will appeal to a student/elderly audience, especially when presenting a programme entirely predicated on someone’s arbitrary decision before the show started, drawn out to an excruciating 45 minutes of pratting around and pretending that wishes change the contents of sealed boxes. (Alternatively, there’s the US version featuring pretty ladies and an bald neurotic man).

Something amusing about cogs being involved in a war somehow, with hilarious consequences.

Simon Constellation is back already, in a follow-up to his cosmic therapy simulator Galactic Assault. Last time he was working closely with an entire galaxy to guide it through the tumultuous trauma of stellar abuse, but this time things are far more focused, concentrating on one lone star, and the terrible ordeal it faced at the hands of a black hole.

In a bold experiment, marketing and development of the latest Sims 2 add-on was handed over to the disaffected teenage daughter of one of EA’s accounts assistants. Disinterested from the off, she fit in perfectly with the team, throwing any old shit that came to mind at the bulbous cash cow. “What do teenagers like?” she was asked, by a bored developer. “I dunno,” she replied, scratching her right tit and staring aimlessly out the window, “teen style stuff I guess.” “That’ll do,” came the reply, as they all headed off to the money pool for a swim.

*Customers should be aware that this statement is on the wrong side of true.


  1. Piratepete says:

    And thats what happens if you go drinking on a Friday lunchtime :)

  2. Bob Arctor says:

    The urls don’t work for Simon or US Deal or No Deal…

  3. John Walker says:

    Thanks Bob – don’t know how they got eaten. Should all be working now. Such as it is.

  4. JH says:

    Professional writers should really know what “disinterested” means.

  5. I_still_love_Okami says:

    Gears of War killed my laptop last night. Poor thing ran so hot, it just shut down. I’m now seriously considering getting one of those thingies you put under your laptop so it stays cool..

  6. Dan says:

    Try the iXoft from Thermaltake, Okami. Just a mat with some funky chemical inside which stops my lap and crown jewels from being scorched.

  7. John Walker says:

    JH: Yes, it means either unbiased, or indifferent. I was going with the latter meaning.

  8. The_B says:

    On a semi-serious note: Tell the publishers to stop it. I only have enough money to buy one more game this year, after I went and bought Gears and CoD4 today. I already have UT3 on pre-order, and I still want Crysis, Kane & Lynch, Viva Pinata, GH3, Two Worlds, Hellgate, WiC, Hellgate…

  9. Kismet says:

    Thank you for reminding me the old James Pond serie with that “Cod Wars”. : )

  10. Kwan says:

    Amazing dig at both The Sims everexpanding er.. expansions and at the ridiculous name. Although you’ve seem to have shown scratching tits in a bad light, so I guess I’m indifferent on this weeks reviews.

  11. MacBeth says:

    Surely CoD: Modern Warfare means you start the game full of poorly-advised enthusiasm and it ends up dragging on and on with your expensive hardware proving to be ineffective and with no end in site that doesn’t involve everyone involved ultimately losing? Ooh satire…

    PS. To be pedantic, ‘disinterested’ really means objective, neutral, favouring neither side in a dispute… not really quite the same as indifferent – the more mundane ‘uninterested’ is really the word of choice there. Yeah I know, usage is king… but we can try…

  12. malkav11 says:

    I really wish they’d spread things out more. Everyone wishes they’d spread things out more. And yet every damned year it’s “suffocate you under a mountain of everything you’ve been wanting all at once”. WTF.

  13. Seth Tipps says:

    Hmmm… Boer war as a game… this has great potential for dark comedy.

  14. TychoCelchuuu says:

    Insightful and provocative! If only all reviews were like this. With pictures.