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TF2 classes' D&D Alignments Debated. No, really.

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Occasionally we think too much at RPS. Sadly, not about anything useful. For example, we picked up the following TF2 thing from Halolz. Click through for a bigger version, or go over here for a huge one.

It’s the Dungeons and Dragons alignment table applied to the nine character classes. Which is cute and funny and all that. And then we started arguing with it. So, in an attempt to see if I can depose the reigning geekiest RPS post of all time, here’s some in depth and serious analysis about What D&D alignment Would The TF2 classes be.

Kill me.

Starting thoughts – while they’re backing up their thing with quotes, pretty much all the characters will say something which could justify them into any of the alignments. They’re a ranty bunch, bless ’em. Second obvious problem is that while there’s nine alignments and nine characters, that doesn’t mean that they’ll match up neatly. In fact, most would probably push into Chaotic Evil, because they spend all their lives in an enclosed arena blowing stuff up and laughing and laughing and laughing, until they’re liquidised.

They aren’t nice people.

But, for the sakes of the game, we have to assume a Best Fit situation. And with that in mind…

LAWFUL GOOD: They say Medic. We say… well, this one’s right. Despite his teutonic tones and general demeanour of a comedy nazi scientist – the best kind! – he heals people.

NEUTRAL GOOD: They say Heavy. This upsets Alec, who as a born-and-bred Heavy, believes he’s Chaotic, and probably Chaotic Evil. He’s the guy who’s openly laughing as he unleashes the eternal beauty of a minigun. This isn’t traditionally good behaviour, y’know. That said, in this little world, my suspicion leans towards Chaotic Good – because while he’s all about the megadeath and the cackling, he’s also the guy you’d like to go drinking with. He’ll get his round in, unlike the Sniper. Hell, the Spy will be sneaking sips whenever you go to the bogs. And Minsc from Baldur’s Gate was Chaotic Good, I believe, who certainly is a parallel to our enormous Russian.

CHAOTIC GOOD: They say Scout. The entire RPS collective goes No. The Scout is a smarly little bastard who should be set on fire – which is lucky, as that happens fairly regularly. Do two at once, and you even get an achievement.

LAWFUL NEUTRAL:
They say Engineer, and it’s another one which is easy to concur with. Lawful neutral is all about the infrastructure for the sake of infrastructure – rules for their own sake. He’s existing in a world of constant bloodshed and explosions, and he’s the guy who’s still trying to build some kind of civilization. Turrets and teleporters are only a start. You know if you left him alone long enough, he’d have constructed some of functional settlement with hot running water and a nice place to store his Country records.

NEUTRAL: Sniper, apparently. I can see what they’re going for – the distance and all. But the clinical cruelty of the Sniper, slowly picking off people who never stood a chance is about as Evil as you can get. The hired assassin character – be a professional – is deeply Lawful Evil. Yeah, he’s a killer for money – but he’ll keep his word. But his word rarely involves looking after your cat. His word involves the propulsion of brains out of the back of heads via the insertion of hypervelocity rounds.

CHAOTIC NEUTRAL:
Demoman. And, yeah, this makes sense too. He’s drunk. And drunkeness is a state of awesome unpredictability. Are you going to help dogs home? Are you going to start fights? Are you going to pass out? Who can tell. That said, I’m tempted to push him towards True Neutral, if only as I want the Scout over here. True Neutral is about maintaining balance. And – as everyone knows – maintaining balance is essential when your blood is proof.

LAWFUL EVIL:
They say Soldier. I can see it. He’s got the dual attributes of military discipline (Lawful) and homicidal bloodthirst (Evil). But, in practice, he’s not as openly Evil as the Sniper and his actual militaristic flourishes are more parodies of discipline. Remeber his video, giving that lecture to his line up. He’s openly apeshit. Were it a free choice, I’d lob him over at Chaotic Evil. But…

NEUTRAL EVIL:
…that’s where the Spy has to be, not here. While I agree he’s Evil (And anyone who’s ever felt that blade in his back will agree), his professional veneer isn’t the core of the character. The central facet is lying. He’s the guy who decided to go against the wisdom of bringing knives to a gunfight, realising that it’s only a gunfight if they’re pointing their weapons at you. In his head you can imagine epic fantasies of all the bodies in the world laid out, with a neat incision in the small of their spine. As Tom Francis of Gamer once put it, there’s one line he says – something akin to “I was never on your side anyway”. The chilling thing is… well, who’s that addressed to. The Spy is our Satan. He’s Chaotic Evil.

CHAOTIC EVIL:
Which means the Pyro has to move. And a tricky one to place. Sure, she causes Chaos, but her personality is… well, hidden. That’s the point. Maybe Neutral would make sense? Chaotic Neutral? There’s already strong candidates for both. She certainly seems overjoyed a lot, and her weapon has that cruelty to it. That may edge her to one of the empty slots – Neutral Evil. Not a perfect fit, but…

Which – after some swift finger counting and consultation with the DM’s handbook, the monster manual and the Book of Thasfglsclgx (Third edition)…

Lawful Good: Medic.
Neutral Good: Scout
Chaotic Good: Heavy
Lawful Neutral: Engineer
Neutral: Demoman
Neutral Chaotic: Soldier
Lawful Evil: Sniper
Neutral Evil: Pyro
Chaotic Evil: Spy

The Soldier and the Scout are the iffiest ones. Ultimately though, the Soldier is madder than the Scout, and since the Evils are taken, he gets it. While the Scout’s a dipshit, compared to true monsters like the Sniper and the Spy, he’s a bloody saint. And in function, he tends to be about achieving the objective – actually capping that point, grabbing the flag. That’s close enough to “For the Greater Good” for me to feel okay with him in Neutral Good.

That’s my list. Please feel free to add your own while I go off to see if I can still look at myself in the mirror.

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Kieron Gillen

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Kieron Gillen is robo-crazy.

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