Heavy Puts Up His Dukes

Fist fight!

Whoever had Killing Gloves of Boxing in the Heavy Update Sweepstakes, you’re the winner!

The KGB (fnarr) are the first of three unlockable weapons for the Heavy, and Valve describe them like this:

“The unlockable for the Heaviest pugilists out there is the K.G.B. Any time a Heavy kills an enemy with the K.G.B he receives five seconds of guaranteed critical hits. This crit-boost can be used to punch and kill further enemies, extending the boost time. Alternatively, the Heavy can switch to another weapon and use the boost to take out an enemy at range. The Heavy’s slow movement speed, and the K.G.B’s slower swing speed, make it a risky prospect.”

Also revealed are the names of the Heavy’s achievements, including tantalising offerings like, “Red Oktoberfest”, “Redistribution of Health”, and “Photostroika”. (And yes, there is a “Soviet Block”, obviously). The rest can be seen here.

So what’s next?


  1. Theory says:

    The achievement filenames give some extra clues. Looks like the Heavy’s “Pow!” taunt will kill. :)

  2. Fat Zombie says:


  3. Maurice says:

    A Segway as the shotgun replacement?

  4. CrashT says:

    Zangrief anybody?

    “Don’t Touch Sandvich” Kil 50 Scouts?

  5. Shadowmancer says:

    Seems like a sandwich will replace the shotgun, rumour has it will give the heavy 100hp bonus.

  6. Man Raised By Puffins says:

    Ooh, this’ll make all Heavy melee only fights even more fun.

    Also, as per usual, Tom Francis is putting up some interesting speculation on his blog.

  7. McCool says:

    Konspicuous Konsumption:

    Thats all I have to say.

  8. Jonathan says:

    Is it just me or does the Vanguard thumb nail suggest somekind of shielding?

  9. MetalCircus says:

    “lenin a hand”

    Now thats just brilliant

  10. O.G.N says:

    The Vanguard Party icon is called tf_heavy_first_to_cap.png so probably not.

  11. CrashT says:

    Credit to Valve, they have six days of pretty much guarenteed headline stories as every little detail of this update is released.

  12. Raptornas says:

    Awesome names for the achievements, Lenin a Hand is a particularly good one but there all fairly awesome.

  13. A-Scale says:

    Absolutely genius achievements. Very much in tune with the style of the game. As to the weapon, I couldn’t be happier. I get a lot of kills with fists as is!

  14. Cooper says:

    You often hear people saying ‘oh how wonderful Valve are for continuing to support the game with this much work after launch, when there’s no subscription.’

    The rationale is obvious. If the updates are organised, themed, milked for every last bit of publicity than thrown in with a free-to-play period, they end up selling more and more copies of the game.

    This is no bad thing. Not at all. I’m not a TF2 player, as I’ve been without a connection at home for some time. I do plan to play when I move next month though. If it wasn’t for these updates, I may well have forgotten about it.

    It’s a similar approach with the Witcher – which I’ll too be buying because of the added attention.

    Publishers pay heed: A little effort will go a long way to milking that game of yours, as long as the game is fairly solid. Vampire TM: Bloodlines re-release anyone?

  15. Ryan says:

    Spyalectical Materialism!

  16. Theory says:

    And that makes it less wonderful?

  17. Jay says:

    God, I haven’t seen the word ‘Fnar’ in ages. That brings me back

    My worry is that the gloves are most definitely an upgrade over the standard fists – although to be fair, if you’re stupid enough to get punched by a heavy, he deserves those critical hits

  18. RichPowers says:

    TF2 does melee combat better than 99% of games out there — and it’s a friggn’ FPS!

  19. A-Scale says:

    I would also like to thank Valve for being well read and giving an intelligent audience something to smile at. Find me another game that would reference the October Russian Revolution, with an eye to the philosophical theories that made it possible. Just one.

  20. joe says:

    *obligatory mention of bioshock, a game based around the philosophical theories of ayn rand, who escaped your lame revolution (or, should i say, the aftermath)*

  21. A-Scale says:

    That post doesn’t even merit a response.

  22. Optimaximal says:

    Soviet Union – there’s a Heavy with hair!!!

    Crock Block is for heavies who survive Critical Rockets, obviously…

  23. Diogo Ribeiro says:

    So what’s next?

    The Vostok Bomb? The Stalin Strike?

    I luvs me The Clash, I does :-)

  24. A-Scale says:

    New achievement- Battleship Aurora
    Capture a control point after firing only one shot.

  25. Deuteronomy says:

    Clear Sky is only two weeks away!

  26. Ryan says:

    *obligatory mention of bioshock, a game based around the philosophical theories of ayn rand, who escaped your lame revolution (or, should i say, the aftermath)*

    Yes, Joe, you’ve sussed out our secret Stalinist sympathies with your tingling Objectivist Sense! Curses! How will we serve our dark overlords in the Kremlin now that you’ve blown our cover?!

    Or, alternately, we were chortling gently to ourselves because the phrase “Communist Mani-Fisto” is funny.

  27. Saflo says:

    Despite being an obstinate anti-unlockables sourpuss, I’m laughing my ass off at these achievement names.

  28. A-Scale says:

    Thank you Ryan, you said that better than I could have.

  29. Man Raised By Puffins says:

    Soviet Union – there’s a Heavy with hair!

    A mullet to be precise. It looks like that particular Heavy is sporting the same haircut as was featured in some early concept art. Which might be implying that alternative skins are being developed, or could just be a nod to said concept art.

  30. Y3k-Bug says:

    A rumor currently making rounds through the Interwebs suggests that one of the unlockables will be a sandwich that gives HP when eaten.

  31. GeorgeR says:

    Oh man. You could choke on all the puns here. Dear gad. though they’re still awesome.

  32. kibibu says:

    No way is Lenin a Hand the best – did you miss Communist Mani-Fisto?

    Alas, for all the filenames ending in -grind.png

  33. Andrew Doull says:

    No one has speculated on something I suspect will be the case with the heavy update, which is that they’ll give the base heavy minigun an ability that they can then ‘take away’ from the alternate weapon.

    I suspect, based on the above evidence, that this ability will be to destroy stickies – either placed or in flight. This may also be extended to rockets and/or grenades.

    This gives the HWG an increased measure of defense against Demos (and maybe soldiers), while still leaving his vulnerability to snipers, spies and pyros with Backburner intact.

  34. Erlam says:

    Most of the other ones were very intellectual/philosophical/etc, but I cannot stop laughing at Communist Mani-Fisto.

  35. RichPowers says:

    A demo tweak of some sorts is likely in the works. Exhibit A: Robin Walker’s response to a question about the demo’s stickies.

    We agree that they’re a little too overpowered right now. In fact, internall, we refer to them as “winbombs”. We haven’t reached a decision on what we’ll change yet, though.

  36. itsallcrap says:

    Holy crap, the sandwich idea made it. Or at least it’s mentioned in the achievement titles. That was something one of the idiots on the steampowered forum came up with.

    I wonder if they’ll give him an official credit…

  37. Optimaximal says:

    It’s widely predicted that the Heavy’s new main weapon will be an accurate, long ranged bozor/flak cannon-esque device that’s useless at short range.
    Maybe that opinion is based on the concept art someone threw together, but it’s the only real option that doesn’t change the class too much.

  38. Vanderdecken says:

    “Vanguard” – first to cap.
    “Crock Block” – survive a crit rocket (crocket).

    And so on.

  39. itsallcrap says:

    Surely an accurate, long range weapon would change the Heavy enormously…?

    The whole thing about him is that he’ll massacre you if you’re in the same room as him but the snipers can pick him off without too much hassle…

  40. Ryan says:

    Vanderdecken’s right- check the filenames, they pretty much tell you what each one is.

    Konspicuous Konsumption is “heavy_eat_sandwiches.” YES.

  41. Noc says:

    Itsallcrap, it would probably function more as something of a deterrent, instead of a dedicated anti-sniper weapon. Like the Flare Gun. It’d be for those medium-to-long-ranges, where you’re sitting there peppering people with bullets without actually killing them.

  42. Mr Pink says:

    Surely the best achievement names are Pushkin the Cart and Stalin the Cart? Genius.

  43. Beastman says:

    The 3rd update is out, featuring the new Payload map…and nothing else :’-(

    At least it looks awesome.

    link to steamgames.com

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