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I See No Ships (trad)

Sexy Boats. I'm using this one a lot. I'm sorry.

Actually, for the first time, you do (also trad). Sega have released some actual in-game footage of the much-anticipated Empire: Total War. On any other day, it’d be the most exciting naval-vessel news of day, except for the story Jim’s just posted of a similar nautical bent. But we’re still pretty excited. Video and commentary beneath the cut…

00:07: “SEGA”. That still seems odd in front of a Total War game.
00:10: “Creative Assembly”. That’s more like it.
00:10: Ooh, tracking shot of a cannon. Is this in-game yet? I don’t think so.
00:14: A battle between assorted period troops on land. They fall to the ground. Still doesn’t look in-game yet. Except maybe it is? That’d be splendid. Hmm. It appears that this commentary is being brought to you by a forum poster circa 1998.
00:16: Cannons. This is like a game of Risk.
00:17: Person waving flag on building in a revolutionary fashion.
00:18: Ships firing!
00:21: Another tracking cannonball shot. Actually, I think this is rendered.
00:15: The Logo. Yes, that was a rendered video. Phew. My hard-drive is safe.
00:34: Words appear on screen “Actual Gameplay footage”. I must presume this is footage of an actual gameplay variety. It’s pretty.
00:38: Oh – it’s a boat. Or a ship. I still don’t know the difference.
00:50: Pull out. Actually, it’s many ships. Six of them. They look like majestic herding creatures of rope, canvas and oak.
00:56: And they bring in the actual game control stuff, which looks quite similar to the standard Total War malarkies. As in, big square window with troops in middle, map on the left, icons on the right.
01:07: A monologue about arms race between the superpowers, etc which has me thinking that the term “superpowers” seems far to anachronistic for my taste when I’m distracted by an in-engine version of the tracking the cannon ball shot. Which is probably just as anachronistic, but escapes the brush of my disdain by high awesomeosity.
01:21: Ships engaged in an actual battle, shown from in-play rather than cinematic angles. If you want to know what the game will look like, this is the place to skip to. Cannons fire en masse. Aces.
01:39 “You must respect the power of the wind”. Which sounds like a cue for a Gamesmaster joke from about 1995.
01:50: Bits of the ships falling apart in a destructible ship-bit kinda way.
01:54: Boarding sequences shown. There will be boarding.
02:02: Close on the actual battles on ship.
2:05: Battles are getting more pretty fucking brutal. Ships on fire, listing to stern and… yeah, it’s a total war game… but at sea. If they could only work out a way to freeze the oceans and have Elephants charge, it’ll be perfect. And give those elephants shotguns.

In short: Never let us design a Total War game. It will only end in disaster.

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Kieron Gillen

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Kieron Gillen is robo-crazy.

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