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LOTR Online: Hitting On The High Elves

No chat up line came to mind, annoyingly, and the Turbine/Codemasters staff were staring at me in an unapproving fashion. Pah!

So yesterday I popped along to have some hands-on time with the forthcoming first expansion pack for Lord of the Rings Online, The Mines of Moria, as well as chatting to Turbine producer Jeffrey Steefel. I’ll write more about it in the next few days, but using the provided teleport tags I jumped around the world and found myself near the Mirror of Galadriel with the ur-elf hottie. So clearly, I hit on her. Noldor? Well, to start with, but my hands would wander in an ungentlemanly fashion.

And then another hot bird turned up.
Hotel California was amazing.

Why, it’s Gwaihir, lord of eagles or something similar. Sexy, sexy, eagles.

I didn’t hit on him, as I was worried he’d tear me from limb to limb. Which also recalls my “What I’d do if I were Gandalf plan”, which I’ll recite now to pad out justify this post a bit.

I think we can all agree that the actual plan of the Fellowship was a bit rubbish. However, it’d be someone who didn’t understand the true nature of the ring to suggest they put it in the heart of a big army and go marching in.

But I have a better solution. I imagine this being suggested by Gandalf, after he’s got the hobbits to go off to get ready for their hike.

The first thing the hobbits would about it would being jumped by Elrond and all his mates, and each shoved into a series of sacks. They’re immediately carted off to south of Mordor by whatever means they can.

Meanwhile, they amass whatever troops they can and go straight for the black gate, hopefully distracting the vast majority of Mordor’s attention. Make lots of noise about having the ring and all that. Sauron’s not a smart one.

When the distraction is underway, the plan kicks into high gear. Four Giant eages pick up the hobbits – via a very long rope attached to their sack – and fly them straight at Mount Doom, and drop all four in.

Ideally, Mordor won’t be able to get the Nazgul off in their direction quick enough. Even if they do, their forces will be divided among the four hobbits – hell, if they could get some more hobbits swiftly, they could make it work. There’s lots of useless fuckers in the shire you could kidnap and push into a sack and use for Nazgul-distractions. And the long ropes should mean the Eagles are unaware of whether they’re actually destroying the ring or just offing a hobbit, so will sidestep the whole being tempted by the ring-thing.

No, not a perfect plan, but I suspect it’d have a better chance of actual success than the give-ring-to-most-whiny-hobbit-and-point-at-Mordor one they went for. Do the right thing, council of the ring: lob hobbits en masse into Mount Doom. You know it makes sense.

More on Lord of the Rings Online when I’ve transcribed it all.

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Kieron Gillen

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Kieron Gillen is robo-crazy.

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