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I'm Making Six Bucks An Hour: Babysitter

Don't believe the status bars. Look at the dead-eyed stare. Julian is dead.

Or to give it its full title My Dream Job: Babysitter. Which makes you want to grab anyone considering buying it and tell them to raise their bloody expectations. Hell, at least My Dream Job: Au Pair would let you get out the country while wiping up baby sick. Hell, My Dream Job: The Au Pairs could allow you to be in a seminal post-punk outfit.

So – what’s the game promise?

Well, it promises an imminent release. In fact, it’s already out. Announcement and straight to the streets. Hear that, 3D Realms? We highly approve. No foreplay, straight to the action – that’s the RPS way.

(We’re having an affair with Mr Chewing Pixels – Mrs RPS)

Let’s walk down the feature list:
– Create your own character!
This is aces, as I’m all about creating my own character. Doesn’t actually tell you much about what sort of character you can choose. There’s much gaming potential here, of course. Having a Black Orc from Warhammer charged with looking after an infant would lead to much Kindergarten Cop style hilarity and/or an eaten child.

– Choose your own hairstyle, clothes, makeup, and more
I LOVE CHOOSING MY HAIRSTYLE, CLOTHES MAKEUP AND MORE.

– Tons of cool activities
They’re kind of covering themselves here. Do they mean things like playing with the child, or do them mean leaving the child in a closet covered in its own vomit? It’s hard to tell.

– Go shopping!
Wait – this has kind of lost me. The idea of the game is to be a Babysitter and – apparently – teach useful adult life-lessons. And this is implying when faced with a bawling child, you can just figure fuck-this-shit and wander off to Top Shop to shoplift accessories in a true teenage-girl manner. You may as well have a game which allows you to ignore the child climbing onto the lit stove while you have ill-considered unprotected sex on the sofa.

Actually, that sounds amazing. Get to it, developers.

This talk has reminded me of Princess Superstar’s Bad Babysitter.

Which reminds me of the time that a friend tried to anally penetrate me when we were dancing to Princess Superstar at Reading.

Which makes me decide to end the post.

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Who am I?

Kieron Gillen

Contributor

Kieron Gillen is robo-crazy.

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