They Hate Apple Pie – Yet More Red Alert 3 Trailers

Winner of The Most Balloons In An RTS Award.

Red Alert 3‘s just a week away now, but that’s no reason for EA to stop pumping out ludicrous trailers. Three more now, and I don’t doubt there’ll be others. This time there’s one for each of the playable factions, intercutting game action with hammier acting than a pig-only production of Hamlet. (Yes, I went there).


Empire of the Rising Sun!



  1. heal me damnit! says:

    “They hate everything we stand for: freedom, liberty, APPLE PIE – did I say freedom?”

  2. Jochen Scheisse says:

    “Freedom…Liberty…Apple Pie…did I say Freedom?”

    The other two are not really funny.

  3. RichPowers says:

    J. K. Simmons is the goddamn master of playing important men who sit behind desks and bark orders at underlings.

  4. Jochen Scheisse says:

    BTW, I really hate Apple Pie. Horrible, horrible type of pie.

  5. John Walker says:

    I ate apple pie for breakfast this morning. This was due to falling asleep at 10pm and waking up at 5am, and realising I’d barely eaten the day before. Apple pie breakfast!

  6. Jim Rossignol says:

    I don’t think I dislike any kind of pie.

  7. Malagate says:

    You should try the Apple Crumble breakfast, you can pretend it’s more like cereal by covering it in cream.
    Personally I prefer the noodles-in-soup breakfast, ideally with vinegar and a fried egg in it.

    Mention of balloons in this game makes me glee as more games need balloons. Especially if they can be shot.

  8. John Walker says:

    Scaffolding and beermat pie?

  9. Kieron Gillen says:

    Something like gooseberry can go fuck itself. Other than that, go for pie!


  10. Jochen Scheisse says:

    I don’t like any kind of pie with more or less whole fruits in them. Cooked or baked fruits are the work of the devil, how could anyone like a nice crunchy apple transformed that way? I think it’s generally that I decided what I like to eat in the first 10 years of my life, and I am refusing to change because of society’s pressure.

    Jelly is fine in pies, though.

  11. Ian says:

    @ John: I’d try that after a few pints.

  12. Malagate says:

    How about a cream pie?

    Baked fruits are pure awesome, how could you not like an apple that’s been warmed, mellowed and slightly caramalised? Especially as you use cooking apples, which are shite any other way but baked.

  13. Matthew Gallant says:

    I’m not even American and I love apple pie. It’s delicious! I bet the Soviets haven’t even TRIED apple pie, that’s why they hate it.

  14. Jochen Scheisse says:

    But that’s exactly what I like about the apple as a fruit, that it’s NOT mellowed!

    Is there something like pear pie? That might work, but I’ve never seen one.

  15. Saflo says:

    I don’t really like any kind of pie. There’s never enough crust/breadlike substance to temper the flavor of the filling.

    Do you say “pizza pie” over there?

  16. Malagate says:

    Think of it more as a use for apples which are normally very unpalatable, also I was like you once. I too despised all forms of baked fruit produce, until I got older than about 14 and tried them again. It all started with some crumble for me, but I haven’t yet fallen into the hard stuff of pies and tarts.

    Also Matthew Gallant, you don’t have to be American to love apple pie, who do you think first made apple pie eh? You know the apples needed for apple pie in America had to be taken in pip form from a certain european island nation by the barrel load, all because the immigrants wanted to continue to make apple pie and enjoy decent apples generally.

    This whole Apple pie and America thing only came around from a few slogans during the early 20th century, for centuries before then can you guess the apple pie capital of the world? Here’s a hint, it’s the country with the largest love of all pies.

  17. number9 says:


    is basically what I’m getting out of these trailers. Red alert has always been more lighthearted because of its cheesy cutscenes, but the way EA is presenting this one just shoves it down our throats. The underlying ideas- parachuting armored bears, alternate history, time travel, and exotic weaponry- are all great, but did you hear that line “We will cut that thread like a katana’s blade” ?

    I love absurdism and parody, I love games that have a good strong personality, but this is just 4 stereotypes plus babes holding guns.

  18. megaman says:

    When watching the Allies trailer, I didn’t think that was very funny. While watching the Empire trailer I wanted to play the empire though, and while watching the Soviet trailer I wished I could play the soviet fraction. Jeez, I am easy to manipulate :S

  19. Not Bernard says:

    Ooo, pretty colours!

  20. Empty=IRL= says:

    I also like pie with Tesco finest custard.
    (but not gooseberry… anti gooseberry pie + 1)

  21. John Walker says:

    Jochen, when citing the first ten years of your life, I’m somewhat dubious as to your claims that you always ate fruit in their crunchy form. Those first couple of years are traditionally spent eating the mushier version.

    “Is there something like pear pie? That might work, but I’ve never seen one.”

    I’ve read rumours that it’s possible to actually bake your own pies! You could put in anything you wanted – imagine the possibilities!

  22. Ian says:

    Bake your own pies? Take your witchcraft and be gone!

  23. Nallen says:

    No room for this among the stuffs being released at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll pick it up on the cheap in a few months for the giggle :)

  24. Flubb says:

    Tim Curry sounds vaguely Scottish…

  25. Heliocentric says:

    Tim Curry was in Sacrifice, show Stratos some respect!

  26. Powerhaus says:

    Tim Curry is in this? Hahahaha.

  27. Theory says:

    Pear pies are meh. The flavour is delicate enough before they’re cooked into much, and it disappears almost completely afterwards.

  28. StalinsGhost says:

    I baked a pie once. I was somewhere in the Ukraine, using one of the staff ovens. Made a mess.

  29. Aubrey says:


  30. Jochen Scheisse says:

    John: I just don’t like the “not quite mushy but also not quite crunchy” form. I like if the consistency of stuff manly decides for one direction instead of wussily meandering between both extremes like an undecided voter during propaganda time.

  31. Tei says:

    Evil banner.

    Theres a problem with a ad that break the page.
    The url is somewhatsomewthingstuff

    Please ban that ad.

  32. Gurrah says:

    J.K. Simmons’ scenes feel like they’ve been taken directly out of burn after reading, the character he was portraying there was just as hilarious.

  33. Okami says:

    The soviets hate apple pie, because they want you to believe in the cake, which is of course a lie…

  34. Pags says:

    Tim Curry is in this pie? Curry pie, euuuurgh.

    I wish they didn’t have to bundle a game with these trailers, it ruins the magic.

  35. Ergates says:

    Don’t you dare bismirch the noble Gooseberry.

    Next year, when my gooseberry bush has grown a little, I shall be making gooseberry fool (the proper destination of the gooseberry), blackberry and applie pies – all from fruit grown in my own garden.

    HAH – I win!

  36. Dan Harris says:

    Conclusion 1: people care deeply about pie.

    Conclusion 2: people don’t give a crap about Red Alert 3.

  37. Andrew says:

    Why can’t more games be brown and space marine?

  38. Ergates says:

    I have up on the C&C world after Tiberium Sun turned out to be a dirty cheating scum. It’s the only game I’ve ever uninstalled in disgust.

    On the other hand, pies have never let me down.

  39. Rob says:

    I think the marketing guys behind the campaign for this one aren’t quite familiar with the concept of saturation. A complete bell curve of positivity of response against time can be seen in the series of posts on the game here at RPS. “Oh, another C&C” gave way to “Holy crumbs, armored bears”, which has finally been supplanted, perhaps inevitably, by “Pie”. Red Alert 3: A Trailer Too Far.

  40. The Hammer says:

    Those screenshots look so fresh because of the balloons!

  41. Maximum Fish says:

    They tried to shoot Tim Curry with lasers! I don’t know if i can play this one, it may be too intense for me.

  42. Bema says:

    The promise of some form of outlandish story is the only reason im getting this. The trailers are entertaining though.

  43. G says:

    Pie’s are ace, end of.

    Speaking of pears, I need pear juice but it isn’t widely available in the UK. It seems that, compared to our continental cousins, what we have in flavoursome crisps is balanced by a lack of variety in fresh juices. Pear juice is ace if you do a shot of rum followed by a shot of pear juice. All hint of a burn is gone. Surely it is God’s own juice.

  44. Down Rodeo says:

    Once again I am impressed with the ability of RPS-comments to descend into something of an online pie fight. It’s brilliant. For the record I will not comment on the pies but will instead say that I am impressed at how they have managed to get some fairly large names in on this. Do you think they get free copies of the game? :D

    It also looks pretty fun. I have good memories of Red Alert 1.

  45. Ergates says:

    I’m not entirely sure all of them realise they’re appearing in a game!

  46. Mogs says:

    Whoever plays that russian bird with the pseudo-air hostess outfit should remain in that outfit and keep the russian voice for the rest of her life. With them she is SMOKING, without she is meh!

  47. Dan Harris says:



  48. FhnuZoag says:

    What’s wrong with pie? Are you anti-pie for some reason? I for one, am able to eagerly anticipate RA3 as well, as pie. Provided that they include pie with the game, of course.

  49. G says:

    @ Dan

    Sorry, I did go off on a little bit of a tangent there. If you’d tried it you would know why.

    Pies: I reckon pear pie wouldn’t be great, maybe pear and apple? Or maybe cook down the pears and then reduce the juices (maybe with a drop of the mythical pear juice) with a bit of sugar to give a bolder pear syrup to reinforce the flavour.

  50. fifpro says:

    There seems to be some very pie-ous people here.