Like Angry Houses: Panzers – Cold War

I've seen colder.

This is a spooky coincidence. I was just about to start writing this when my girlfriend passed me the post. I open a jiffy bag and – strike a light! – it’s got some review code of Codename Panzers: Cold War. Shall I play it? No, I won’t. Because my Gaming PC is still kaputt. So I equally won’t be able to give some impressions on the just released still-fashionable-just-under 1-gig demo for demo for the selfsame game. Instead, I’ll play the video whilst leaning close to my laptop monitor whilst making brrrrmmmm! and dakkadakkadakka noises. Join me!


  1. Pags says:

    Angry houses is still my favourite PCGUK meme.

  2. Gap Gen says:

    Placid tanks = houses?

  3. Colthor says:

    I am impressed at how that video, despite (seemingly) being made from in-engine footage, managed to avoid telling me absolutely anything about the game that couldn’t be reasonably guessed from its name.

    So it’s a game? With tanks? And it’s set in the cold war? Jolly good. I’m glad that’s cleared up.

    Yes, I’m sure Wikipedia would tell me stuff about it, but I felt like grumbling and if people are going to advertise at me they could at least try and make it informative.

  4. Fumarole says:

    A challenger to World in Conflict? I’m game once I get home from work.

  5. Heliocentric says:

    Remember the trailer?
    I was all like “woah, no way” and the trailer was all “asplode”… That was great.

  6. Poet says:

    Translation for Americans….

    Kieron imagined his “real” girlfriend handing him his mail and in it was a package that contained the game Codename Panzers: Cold War which the publisher has sent him hoping for a good review.

    Now as to why a game reviewer can’t repair his own computer I have no clue, isn’t it a requirement that you be a complete computer nerd before you are even allowed to contemplate writing about computer games? Hmmmm, maybe he really does have a rlgf.

  7. Kieron Gillen says:

    I love the Wire but don’t know how to fix my TV either.

    GapGen: Sleeping Houses is the original gag.


  8. Frans Coehoorn says:

    Sorry Kieron, dakkadakkadakka is already reserved for WAR40K: Dawn of War II. We could try pew pew or kablooie instead.

    Other than that… I prefer COH anyway.

  9. Nilocy says:

    I’m quite amazed that the sound effects sounded like they were all coming from a 50’s war film?
    *splodely noise*

  10. Rei Onryou says:

    when my girlfriend passed me the post. I open a jiffy bag and –

    I can’t help but feel the above quote could have been taken from an erotic novel Kieron happens to be penning. Reminding us of your superior stature never gets old ;)

    PS: As an angry houses fan for many a year, I still don’t know exactly when the meme began. But my Googling just turned up this: link to

  11. Paul_M says:

    When I see The Wire in any written media I instantly blur my eyes and destroy / close whatever it may have been that I was looking at.

    I haven’t seen season 5 and I’ve already have one incident revealed to me by some ubertrendy Guardian whelp. I shan’t be burnt again. I will not return to RPS until I have seen the last episode. Good day.

  12. Gap Gen says:


  13. El_MUERkO says:


    i loves my Orcs

  14. skizelo says:

    I don’t think they’ve fully graped the concept of a “cold war”.

  15. Pags says:

    I haven’t seen season 5 and I’ve already have one incident revealed to me by some ubertrendy Guardian whelp


  16. Bhazor says:

    Were there Panzers in the cold war?

  17. Kakrafoon says:

    I just tried it, and something with the graphics seems to be broken; they look awful on my machine although there should be more than enough horsepower for that game – it doesn’t seem to want me to turn on antialiasing, for some reason – among other things. Also, what I’ve seen of the combat so far is bad, bad, bad. Infantry tend to clump together in great, well, clumps chipping away at the enemy’s health bars with their puny-sounding little toy guns, standing around in the open IGNORING READILY AVAILABLE COVER while the medics toss red healing crosses to the wounded. There is no such thing as suppression or flanking. At least the tanks have directional armour, and the upgrade system on them is about the only thing I like in Panzers: Cold War. That, and the connected strategic points. Oh well, I didn’t expect that this game would be able to touch the godlike glory that is Company of Heroes, but to be honest I expected a bit more. So far, it is pretty disappointing.

  18. nabeel says:

    What’s wrong with your gaming PC? Mine has problems playing games too at the moment ;____;

  19. Radiant says:

    I don’t think anyone’s really graped the concept of the cold war to be fair.

  20. Radiant says:

    I’m sure the concept has been ‘mulled’ over.

  21. Radiant says:

    Although I’m not sure using tanks would have been a ‘wine’ing strategy.

  22. Radiant says:

    Look, It’s 5am, 3 posts is as far as I can take a vinous related pun run.

  23. Radiant says:

    You could say I ‘bottled’ it.

  24. Radiant says:

    Ok ok I’ll put a cork in it.

  25. Radiant says:

    This is Bordeauxing on insanity.

  26. Heliocentric says:


    From now on if rts’s can’t beat coh or at least offer a unique strength then i suggest that they avoid little soldiers with guns being the focus of their game.

    Tanks are fine, as i can handle tanks being stupid. And a massive list of alternatives, even pirates with guns would be fine, i don’t expect a drunk to take cover. Soulless robots too, hell a decent pmc management game could get away with weak combat as long as it lets you switch sides in wars to make them last longer etc.

    Can’t play the demo yet though. We’ll see.

  27. Radiant says:

    Will this be ‘port’ed over to consoles?

  28. Radiant says:

    HELIO! Damn you.

  29. Radiant says:

    or better yet ‘dram’ you.

  30. Heliocentric says:

    I live to serve.

  31. Piispa says:

    So the point of this post was only to bolster that he has a girlfriend… and he’s a nerd that can’t fix his computer.

  32. Nick says:

    That’s the point of most of Kieron’s work.. except when he was single, in which case it was vodka rather than girlfriend.

    It may be both right now, who knows.

  33. Muzman says:

    I bet there’s a lot of blokes who’d reach some mythic contentment if Vodka could indeed bring you your mail.

  34. Doc MacRae says:

    It’s even more micromanaging than CoH.

    Do not want.

  35. Heliocentric says:

    If him mentioning his girlfriend bothers you. Just replace the word with the word mother.

  36. Ian says:

    @ Helio: Oh my, a pirate RTS? Now yer talking.

  37. Biff says:

    My experience of this demo: Pick your army, randomly choosing units. Zerg from base to base capturing them while your cleric units magically heal your troops. Die under a rain of missles from an untargetable sumbarine. Uninstall.

  38. Catastrophe says:

    Theres never been a better tank game than Campaign.

  39. StalinsGhost says:

    NNeeeeeeaaaaauuuw BOSH!

  40. Tei says:

    “NNeeeeeeaaaaauuuw BOSH!”

    Is that the sound of a plane landing into a pig factory?

  41. StalinsGhost says:

    Sounds like it!

  42. MacBeth says:

    If him mentioning his girlfriend bothers you. Just replace the word with the word mother.

    Not quite right. Replace ‘my girlfriend’ with ‘your mother’


  43. Dizet Sma says:

    From the vid, it seems that NATO doesn’t exist, or perhaps the BAOR were on holiday that week.

  44. kuddles says:

    Other than the long loading times, the demo ran well for me. It looked like fun, if not extraordinary. I guess I should count my blessings since it didn’t look like this game would ever be released at all.

    I’ll probably pick it up. There aren’t too many of these real time tactical games out there (although we’re also getting Men of War this year), and I adored both the previous Codename Panzer games and the Rush For Berlin game as well.

  45. El_MUERkO says:

    i downloaded the demo last night but it crashed on me :(

    will try again tonight after some internet spaceships

  46. frags81 says:

    Technically, the game is a mess. It doesn’t look anywhere as good as CoH and runs 10 times worse.

    Gameplay wise, I still need more hands on to get a clear impression but it is promising. A lot deeper than CoH with a lot more units and special abilities. The mission design at least in this one demo mission I’m playing right now is kinda weak.

    Also Enemy choppers are a pain!