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Scout Update Day 3: Achievements & Bonk

Bonk. Snicker.

The cunning get-us-to-talk-about-their-game-every-day tactics of Valve succeed for a third day running! Thursday’s Scout reveal is not only the achievement titles (what’s required is still to come, and requires bold guessing in the comments please), but also Bonk Energy Drink, what looks to be the second of the Scout’s unlocks.

Bonk, which perhaps isn’t a word that has the same connotations in the States as it does in the UK (snurk snurk), is an energy drink that apparently will give the Scout a few seconds of what sounds to be super-speed, followed by a sugar crash that slows him down. The description this time is not entirely clear. Here’s how Valve describes it, in the voice of the peppy messenger:

“Runnin’ rings around all them molasses-slow dummies out there on the battle- field is thirsty frickin’ work. But when it comes to quenchin’ that thirst, only one thermonuclear thirst detonator packs all the “Atomic Punch” you’ll ever need. Bonk! is fulla radiation, which as we all know is pretty great for givin’ people superpowers. Just one can’ll blast ya into a few-second rush of radioactive energy so powerful you’ll be dodgin’ bullets like they ain’t even there!

Note: Bonk! contains several hundred times the daily recommended allowance of sugar. After the beneficial effects of the radiation wear off, drinkers have reported experiencing feelings of lethargy that can last several seconds. Reading this sentence absolves Bonk! of any liability for killing sprees inspired by or deaths resulting from the ingestion of Bonk! Enjoy Bonk! responsibly… Or by the case!”

What do people think? A necessary boost? To cruel with the comedown? Or will it destroy everything in the known universe?

As predicted, the achievements are a mighty collection of baseball puns, with the odd bike messenger theme thrown in. I think we can guess what Dodgers 1: Giants 0 might allude to. Any others?

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John Walker

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One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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