Useful Advice: Don’t Shit Your Pants

Yes, I'm very proud to have written this story. What of it?

Here’s one in the eye to people who don’t think games are educational. Don’t Shit Your Pants. It’s a going for a poo challenge, in a text parser adventure, that describes itself as a “survival horror”. You’ll likely quickly realise that finishing the game is not the greatest of challenges. However, what it’s really all about is figuring out all the achievements. Yes indeed, you must think of innovative ways to shit yourself.

It’s the work of Rete, on Kongregate, and is the sort of immature 30 seconds of nonsense that only RPS friend Sam could have found.


  1. Sam says:

    Credit goes to my colleague, Jason.

    Just shifting the blame hereā€¦

  2. Smurfy says:

    It can be more than thirty seconds if you know how…

  3. Brother None says:

    Pretty funny.

    And I got all the awards! A pooper is me!

  4. Heliocentric says:

    You posted this like a week ago then it disapeared.
    What contraversy surrounds this?

  5. Skurmedel says:

    Woo, soiled… eh solved it. :)

  6. FunkyLlama says:

    So Mister Walker is wrong when he claims that only Sam could have found it. D:

  7. Theoban says:

    Wait, *don’t* shit your pants? All these years I’ve been doing it wrong. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

  8. Bobsy says:

    Missed headline opportunity: Soiler Alert

  9. phil says:

    This was also in Friday’s b3ta – they seem to specialise in scatalogical interactive jokes, the buffy swearing keyboard is perhaps the purest example,

  10. Dzamir says:

    I laughed very hard when sitted on the toilet for the first time, i forgot to remove the pants and I shitted my pants :P

  11. Kitt Basch says:

    There’s an extra edge to the game if you play it while actually needing to have a shit.

    Best moment: Successfully negotiating the door, using the toilet correctly, then realising I haven’t removed the pants.

  12. cyrenic says:

    Haven’t laughed so hard at something so juvenile in a long time. The little guy’s triumphant pose if you succeed was great.

  13. monchberter says:

    It made me need a poo.

    I am now ready for real life. Can i succeed first time…

    .. yes!

  14. mcw says:

    How do you get awards 6, 7 and 8 ?

  15. RichSC says:

    6/7: Look in pocket. Take pills. Fart lightly. Wait 45 seconds.
    8: Shit the menu screen.

    Sadly, this is the most fun I’ve had playing a game for some considerable time.

  16. El Stevo says:

    Since I played this on Friday 6 and 7 (and maybe 8) have been changed to make them a bit more obvious.

  17. El Stevo says:

    Actually, I’m talking bollocks. It’s just I’d already done all the awards so the text was displayed rather than being ???. Duh.

  18. Gap Gen says:

    Yeah, finished it. Se-poo-ku was annoying me until I realised how obvious it was.

    Need poo now.

  19. Anarki says:


    I’d read the description, I knew the objective, but when I started the game I couldn’t help but type “Shit my pants” for my first action. Almost actually shit my pants laughing.

    edit: ok the best one has to be when you type “dont shit” and it says “You shit your pants anyway!”

  20. Pace says:

    I think phil deserves a special poo achievement for deployment of the word ‘scatological’.

  21. IdleHands says:

    Purile and completely childish game, I had immense fun with it :D

    Exact same thing happened to me, in game not in real life (honest!).

  22. FernandoDANTE says:

    HOW do I open the door?

  23. Davee says:

    @FernandoDANTE: You pull it.

    Now HOW do you gain the Sep-poo-ku award?

  24. Davee says:

    Woohoo! I’m Shit King! Great game.

  25. Pidesco says:

    This is really awesomely brilliant. The first time I got on the loo, I forgot to take off the pants. Hilarity ensued.

  26. Sum0 says:

    “look at hair”

  27. VeggiePirate says:

    Bonus ending: take off your pants before dying.

  28. The LxR says:

    This made me laugh :) Awesome game )

  29. sinister agent says:

    I spent much of this afternoon transcribing Georgian legal documents, and can only hope that nobody in the room suspected that inside, I was struggling to contain my laughter as I recalled the blocky image of a balding man crapping on the floor and raising his arms in triumph. Damn you, RPS.

  30. peter says:

    Unbelievably awesome.

  31. Ray says:

    I punched the door and shitted myself! Yay! No awards for that though