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I Would Pay...

Picture from Wikimedia Commons.

I would pay…

£3 a month for all tutorials to not explain how to move the mouse, but rather explain key aspects unique to their game.

£21 for all tutorials to not freeze the action while I’m trying to do the required task in order to tell me how to do the required task.

£45 for every company logo screen at the start of a game to be skippable, forever.

£37 to never read another article about the death of the adventure game (go buy Time Gentlemen, Please this bloody instant).

An extra £10 for a version of Burnout: Paradise that loaded straight to the car on the road, and not the 47 screens I have to click through.

An extra £5 on top of that for it to never play Guns N’ Roses at me ever again.

£100 to never hear Paradise City by Guns N’ Roses ever again, anywhere.

£25 for there to never be another Leisure Suit Larry game.

£41 to never read another forum post informing me that all games critics are corrupt and take bribes and only write positive things if they’ve been paid.

£30 for someone to make a version of (the completely fantastic) DOSbox I can halfway begin to understand (because I am very stupid).

£55 for all games to have an option to switch subtitles on and switch voice acting off.

An extra £10 for any MMO that will give me a (worthwhile) mount from level 1.

£4.50 on top of any game price to have female characters with realistic breasts, possibly wearing baggy clothes.

£48 to ensure no game ever again takes away all my powers at any point.

£200 for all boss fights to be removed from all games forever.

Um. I’ve got four million more of these. What are you willing to pay for, readers?

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Who am I?

John Walker


Once one of the original co-founders of Rock Paper Shotgun, they killed me out of jealousy. I now run

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