I Would Pay…

Picture from Wikimedia Commons.

I would pay…

£3 a month for all tutorials to not explain how to move the mouse, but rather explain key aspects unique to their game.

£21 for all tutorials to not freeze the action while I’m trying to do the required task in order to tell me how to do the required task.

£45 for every company logo screen at the start of a game to be skippable, forever.

£37 to never read another article about the death of the adventure game (go buy Time Gentlemen, Please this bloody instant).

An extra £10 for a version of Burnout: Paradise that loaded straight to the car on the road, and not the 47 screens I have to click through.

An extra £5 on top of that for it to never play Guns N’ Roses at me ever again.

£100 to never hear Paradise City by Guns N’ Roses ever again, anywhere.

£25 for there to never be another Leisure Suit Larry game.

£41 to never read another forum post informing me that all games critics are corrupt and take bribes and only write positive things if they’ve been paid.

£30 for someone to make a version of (the completely fantastic) DOSbox I can halfway begin to understand (because I am very stupid).

£55 for all games to have an option to switch subtitles on and switch voice acting off.

An extra £10 for any MMO that will give me a (worthwhile) mount from level 1.

£4.50 on top of any game price to have female characters with realistic breasts, possibly wearing baggy clothes.

£48 to ensure no game ever again takes away all my powers at any point.

£200 for all boss fights to be removed from all games forever.

Um. I’ve got four million more of these. What are you willing to pay for, readers?


  1. Okami says:

    £200 for all boss fights to be removed from all games forever.

    Don’t you think that would make Shadow of the Colossus a rather short game?

  2. stony says:

    £28 to make sure that the final half-hour/boss of any game is not twice as hard as the rest of it.

    /glares at recently completed Stalker

  3. Phried says:

    $50 for simultaneous releases around the world.

  4. Colthor says:

    How much to have you only write positive things, forever?

  5. Forest says:

    Oh dear god yes! Please get rid of the same tutorials thats in every game ever.

    I’m not sure i get your gripe with boss fights though (well i do, but some are pretty neat)

  6. Alec Meer says:

    John, you owe the DOSbox guys £30.

  7. sbs says:

    5€ more per copy for tutorials in all games not being forced on me anymore in the beginning of the game but giving me the choice in the menu, preferrable as menu point “Play Tutorial” below “New Game” and “Continue”, or whatev.

  8. John Walker says:

    Alec, I think you’re woefully underestimating how stupid I am. Fixed above.

  9. Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

    Infinity quids for a Quest For Glory MMO!

  10. John Walker says:

    Colthor – £350 a month.

  11. Spliter says:

    I would pay 200€ to put a final boss into every game, and another 200€ so you only fight that final boss on your own, No annoying little minions running all around him and annoying the f******k out of you.
    400€ to never hear again anything about Halo, Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts.

  12. RiptoR says:

    £13 to see the entire RPS crew get naked in the middle of any gaming conference, preferably with boothbabes doing the same thing… (if possible in seperate halls though :p)

  13. Ziv says:

    5$ for games to tell me that even though there is a tutorial option in the menu it is still in the main game and CANNOT be skipped.
    I do play the tutorials. just to know the keys, who the fuck would bind reload to B? (ehm ehm serious sam I) or the grenade key to Q??? (i keep pressing it accidently in far cry2)

    10$ for games that have X360 controller compatibility to not have preposterous key arrangements.

  14. James says:

    I’d pay $1 to know what kind of head injury you sustained that made you hate all boss fights. Yeah, some suck, but so do some people…I guess we should remove them from the planet, forever. Oh, and Shadow of the Colossus says hi.

  15. Hunam says:

    £2000 for Konami to just call it quits on Silent Hill.

    $599 for all PC games new and old to support widescreen properly.

    Also, with your point about tutorials, I have to say I was playing Heroes 5 the other day (from the steam sale) and the tutorial on that, whilst it did cover some of the very basic stuff, it really did tell you how to play the game but leaves enough for the player to explore and discover the more subtle stuff, so you learn the game yourself at the same pace, which felt rewarding.

  16. Alex says:

    $10 for the guarantee of an option to turn off mouse acceleration. I still haven’t gone past the second level of Freedom Force because of the awful way the mouse works.

  17. Ubiquitous says:

    I would be content to sell my body on the streets for a re-formed Looking Glass Studios working on a new Thief-esque game.

  18. EyeMessiah says:

    £5 per game to get an option just to turn off the main character. No talking, no subtitles, no cocky hand gestures, no knowing winks. NOTHING.
    Just a perfectly blank slate. Also I don’t care if this breaks all the scripted dialogue, plot e.t.c. If the main character is so obnoxious that you’d rather that they just said nothing more for the entire game then all that crap is probably beyond redemption anyway.

    £1 To replace all the voice acting in a given game with the funny noises adults make when they speak in Peanuts cartoons.

    OT: £20 per copy to get the option to turn off the music track in films. Oh god, I’d give anything for this. Well, £20 at least.

  19. Hunam says:

    oh, and £30 for a game to not conastantly bother you with your objectives every 10 minutes like SupCom does.

    “Commander, you really need to take the base”
    “Why aren’t you taking the base”
    “That base needs to be taken asap”


  20. Arrrmo says:

    $200 for all developers to stop using absurdly high estimates of “XX hours of gameplay” as selling points, with a further $200 for those developers to stop focusing on game length over polish.

  21. Krondonian says:

    £40 for Lands of Lore 4 or a sequel to Return to Krondor.

    £30 to add all my retail games to Steam if Steam has it in the catalogue.

  22. nakke says:

    “An extra £10 for a version of Burnout: Paradise that loaded straight to the car on the road, and not the 47 screens I have to click through.

    An extra £5 on top of that for it to never play Guns N’ Roses at me ever again.

    £100 to never hear Paradise City by Guns N’ Roses ever again, anywhere.”

    Oh yes, y-fucking-es. Jesus christ, I’ve not even played Burnout Paradise for a month or so, but it still makes me go mad even thinking about the goddamn start procedure and the song. Hrrrrrrrrrrraardsfmffng.

  23. Hunam says:

    I’m addicted to this!

    £5 to not be stumped have my path blocked by a fence half my height and to have the ability to simply step over it to continue my quest.

    Another £5 to not be stopped by a locked door despite the fact I have a rocket launcher.

  24. sockpuppetclock says:

    €9999999 for a return to the era of my childhood where other kids would be making up all kinds of shit and fake glitches like “PUT GRAVY IN YOUR GAMEBOY THAN PRESS B AND A TO GO INTO THE GAMEBOY” because I loved the sense of mystery behind games so much and things like achievements and the internet has completely destroyed any sense of mystery for me. :'(

  25. Feintlocke says:

    £40 for a 2D/isometric version of Dwarf Fortress. (I tried one of those icon packs and failed to get it to work).

  26. Dagda says:

    $100 to have all single-player games have a fast-forward button I can press at will to make everything in the game transpire 4 times as quickly (assuming my machine can swing it).

    I played FF7 on an emulator that had this option. It was extraordinary. Long in-game cut scenes and conversations, all that tapping my foot while I wait for the game to stop taking its sweet time and open the gate to the next sequence with real gameplay or for my digital character to arrive at point B. . .all the frustration that comes from being a quick reader or replaying a section you already know the plot for just melts away.

  27. Monchberter says:

    An extra £30 to have had all the unlockable weapons available at release for TF2.

    £40 for any pc game of any vintage to run on any modern pc without having to resort to arcane magic.

    £100 for Games for Windows Live to die a quick death.

    £30 for Lucasarts to have put Star Wars for bed between 1998 and 2009.

  28. Sir Digby says:

    £5 for the multiplayer in Crysis to make even the slightest bit of sense

    Then another £300 the get a graphics card good enough to run Crysis multiplayer well

  29. solipsistnation says:

    I DID pay 5 bucks to get to play all the songs I liked from Rock Band 1 without any of the songs I didn’t like. Now can I pay another 5 bucks to remove the songs I don’t like from Rock Band 2 also please?

  30. Aphotique says:

    “£200 for all boss fights to be removed from all games forever.”

    Another £200 if instead of removing them altogether, make them optional, where you have the choice to fight yourself, or to watch the boss fight done for you in a cinematic, artistic, and highly entertaining fashion, with the option to turn said cinematics off in the options.

    £100 for every game to come made with cheat codes. No more trainers/savegames/charhacks/editors. Sometimes you just want to be God.

    £300 for every game to have a ‘rewind’ function.

    And every penny I make for the rest of my life for game developers and movie studios to stop butchering my childhood.

  31. Antsy says:

    £100 for developers to release full and complete editions of games in a single package to all punters. Special Editions can have stupid nik naks for those that care enough, but no extra content. And certainly no goddamn different content for pre-ordering from various stores. I’m looking at you Dawn of War 2!


  32. Fumarole says:

    Just as I finish the article Pandora chooses Paradise City for me. How apt.

    $10 per developer to 100% integrate all their games with Steam
    $40 for Trine with online co-op.
    $75 for Shogun: Total War 2
    $85 for TIE Fighter 2

  33. Tim James says:

    What the hell? You guys are in the games journalism industry, use your immense powers of influence to make all this happen!

  34. Helm says:

    I would pay a reasonable price for games where aspects of the human condition are not clumsily semi-alluded to as dressing to the head sploding and robot battling but are instead tackled head-on, scrutinized, commented upon and left to the player to manipulate until something worthwhile emerges from it all. Where we say “it’s an action game with bits of racing in it” I’d pay for games where we’d say “this is a game about social alienation and sexual frustration”.

    I’d also pay… well, I wouldn’t, but I would ask politely at least, for game critics to not attempt to unearth humanity that isn’t there in morally bankrupt games through increasingly absurd leaps of faith. I can see why they do it and I can’t criticize the impulse… it might also be helping games journalism present a better face, but it certainly isn’t helping gaming mature to invent apologetics for its worse aspects.

  35. Dominic White says:

    I’d probably pay in the region of £500 to make sure that every level in every vaguely applicable action game had a unique and entertaining boss battle.

    Anyone here ever play Gunstar Heroes, Alien Soldier, Dynamite Headdy, etc etc – any game ever deveoped by Treasure? They’d often cram 3-4 bosses into a single level, and they were always creative, interesting and fun to fight.

    To hell with killing legions of identical grunts. A single huge fight against a unique enemy is always more memorable.

  36. LeFishy says:

    I would pay a nice amount of money for any city building game, Sim City or City Life or whatever to give me a tutorial that is not on the camera controls but on actually playing the game. I want to love these games but I never have any idea what is going on.

  37. Jacques says:

    £200 for any devs that make an MMORPG game without both shit controls or shit gameplay.

  38. M.P. says:

    Give game-femmes realistic breasts and it’ll be the thin end of the wedge! Next thing you’ll know they’ll abolish the bunnyhop, and then our space marine avatars will die permanently after a single bullet to the head and move at 0.5 miles an hour when carrying massive chainguns!
    Barbarians at the gates!

  39. Willy Thorne says:

    £5,000 to never have to upgrade my pc again.

  40. toonu says:

    £50 for every game ever to follow the holy trinity of keyboard commands. CTRL is crouch, SHIFT is run, R is Reload etc. You know the drill.

    £20 for all games to have unlimited quicksave and quickload and the buttons to be far apart. STALKER, HITMAN BM..I am looking at you two.

  41. Legendary Teeth says:

    $70 for X-COM to be remade. And by that I mean the exact same game, with the same rules, only fix the bugs and update the graphics. Any extra features should be included as options. It should be possible to play the classic game on a modern system with wide screen and a nice engine and then also carry more than 180 items into battle. That would be so hot.

    Also, City of Heroes gives you a mount (travel power) at level 1. Sprint lets you run a lot faster. You have to usually turn it off in combat (because it drains endurance), but you can run indefinitely if you’re not fighting. Some people don’t even get another travel power.

  42. zombiehunter says:

    200€ for a stasifying, this year realeased Duke Nukem 4ver!

  43. Philip says:

    £100 for a new Sonic The Hedgehog game that is a 2D platformer, and isn’t some generic sub-standard gimmicky 3D third-person load of toss.

  44. Rosti says:

    “An extra £10 for any MMO that will give me a (worthwhile) mount from level 1.”

    Per month or one off? Either way, I’m surprised that MMOs aren’t already offering precisely that.
    (I’d have a strong opinion on this matter, but I’ve vowed never to kiss an MMO in case I like it…)

  45. Justin says:

    $100 for a version of Stalker that’s even more unsettling than the first one. Make that $150, cause I’d spend that much on a new video card just to really enjoy it.

    $30 for a volume control I can apply easily to individual players in every multiplayer came with voice chat. (It’s pretty common these days, but still: universal!) There’s an inverse relationship between how good someone’s strategy is and how loud they are talking.

    $50 for a PC version of Brutal Legend.

  46. Kierkegaard says:

    I think you’ll find many pc games have this function. It is most commonly called “saving” ; )

    10£ not to have the story of Propotype trying to convince me he’s really a good guy concerned with the welfare of the inhabitants of his city, only to proceed by incurring massive collaterall damage everytime I take him for a stroll. Compared to him the evil corporation and military don’t seem all that bad…

  47. zergl says:

    €100 for publishers to stop publishing crippled, censored versions of their FPS games in Germany, without offering the original version of the game for adults.

    I would’ve bought L4D by now if they hadn’t removed dismembering of the zombies and a game about zombies just isn’t complete unless I can properly pick their various body parts off one by one with a shotgun (and the pieces should stay for as long as I very well please and not disappear after a second or two either).

    PS: Feel free to correct me if I’m working on faulty information here, but I have no reason to doubt the accounts, considering how Valve screwed the German version of TF2. Seriously, hamburgers, cogwheels and other random crap as gibs (in the death-freezecam shot still aptly called “Your <insert body part here") with yellow blood on mostly sand/dirt/wood colored backgrounds instead of a contrasty red? Bite me, had I just known that before buying it. :/

  48. kurige says:

    $5.60 – for somebody to explain to me the story line of the metal gear solid series.

  49. Troy says:

    $100’000’000’000 If they can create Duke Nukem Forever…. chances are i will never have to pay that