Slicing ‘N Dicing Man & Beast: Wolfenstein Teaser

They never told us about this in our history lessons.

This is a fun teaser for Wolfenstein. A “motion comic”, it’s a faux-gritty tale of tracking down Hitler and his chain guns, my favourite moment having to be the swastika-shaped prison. Good, inappropriate times. There’s also a couple of trailers from a week or two back that we haven’t posted so far, tucked neatly below.

These three are a little too fast-cutty to let you really know what’s going on, but there’s some interesting glimpses:

The Assassin looks fun, if a little familiar from BioShock. I’m hoping this will prove silly fun, and not get too bogged down in scary corridors and complicated monsters. It’ll also be interesting to see how the Doom 3 engine holds up, especially when we’re getting hyped for what id Tech 5 might be able to do. But if this can be a fun-times shooter with that classically knuckle-chewing inappropriateness that’s always sat at the centre of the Wolfenstein games, then I’m looking forward to playing.


  1. Ian says:

    Hahaha. Ahhhh those crazed Nazi scientists, won’t they ever learn?

  2. Tei says:

    Nazi scientist are just people standing on the shoulders of giants. All the jew science of the cabala. The Knights Templar. And of course, bits of stolen knolegement from the Illuminati.
    The alchemists tried to transmute lead into gold for the war effort. USA did it first, using radiation. Hence Fort Nox is a radiactive waste site, and a gold deposit. Theres 1 Km3 of gold in Fort Nox that is letal to touch. A byproduct of that was the atomic bomb, using wasted resources from the gold engineering.
    I don’t know all the math related to plane-shifting, but I think there are dangerous things living on other planes. So is kind of a bad idea. Probably this why is not public knolegement. You can create a atomic bomb in your house (using smoke detectors), but you can’t create a Plane-Splicer.

  3. unique_identifier says:

    it amuses me that the player-character whatsisname comes across as more of a psychopath than the nazis in the comic.

  4. Nighthood says:

    That was pretty stylish, if a little silly.

  5. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    Regarding the Assassin: It looks like Dark Templar from Starcraft has found a new home.

    More to the point: not too interested in the game, actually. The classic Wolfenstein was fun, though.

  6. Diogo Ribeiro says:

    Lifecycle of an erection:

    Motion Comic – BONER.

    In-game footage – WHERE MY BONER AT?

    Seriously, if the game had that Madworldesque styling to it, I’d be a lot more interested :/

  7. fuggles says:

    Hmmm…. Mentor has stopped saving the world and started narrating?

  8. clive dunn says:

    @Tei. Damn right. I created a plane-splicer the other day; nothing but trouble, i tell ya!

  9. SirKicksalot says:

    The Assassin looks more like the FEAR assassin than that BioShock splicer.

  10. Irish Al says:

    That looks very reminiscent of Eric Drooker’s artwork. Who did the cover for Faith No More’s “King For A Day” album.

  11. Reverend Speed says:

    @Clive Dunn

    Quick question, was your plane-splicer as green as the ones in the video? Because mine was a little yellow and I’m wondering if it’s something to do with the UR-ArtifaKt isotope. It’s making this little rattling sound that has me a bit confused.

  12. ZeeKat says:

    Or bit like Brute’s stuff (he’s the guy who does KMFDM covers)

  13. Whiskey Jak says:

    I think that the motion-comic is more a retelling of Wolfenstein then a teaser for the new game.

  14. destx says:

    I think Whiskey Jak is correct, Raven said Hitler’s not going to be in the new game. Also, everything after the prison break part is essentially what happens in the original Wolf3D storyline.

  15. Sajmn says:

    You must construct additional pylons!

  16. l1ddl3monkey says:

    @ Reverend Speed:

    You need to delaptivate the primary cores before escalating the Pi algorithm spectrometer otherwise you get elaborated quantum field leakage – which is what makes that yellowish colour (it’s green when it’s properly contained).

    Dunno about the rattling noise though.

  17. Blast Hardcheese says:

    Best case scenario, Wolfenstein basically becomes what Doom 3 should have been, a ridiculous fast-paced shooter with big guns and bigger monsters. Throw in some of the insane lines from the Doom comic and you’ve got a masterpiece waiting to happen. It’d be great if the main character is nuts enough to talk to himself.

    A bit of stealth action would be okay as well. What is not okay is more of Doom 3’s trying to be scary (it startled me once with the bathroom mirror, and that was a cheap shot anyways) so if this is done right it could be great.

    Quake 4 may not have been a great stride forwards but it was certainly more gory, disgusting, and visceral than Doom 3 was, and as I’m paying for that, I expect it. Lots of it.

    Oh and the bit with the Assassin stabbing the guy while he’s talking to you through the unbreakable glass? Cliche to the max.

  18. Nerd Rage says:

    BJ Blazkowicz was Duke Nukem’s father. True story.

  19. Quaxx says:

    According to Google, BJ Blazkowicz is actually Commander Keen’s grandfather.

  20. Taillefer says:

    Regarding the rattling noise:

    Could be something simple, maybe a loose bearing in the cyclonic generator, or there’s too much tolerance for the size bolts used.

    Did you use neoprene washers? Because sometimes they can react and add some rubbery properties to your plane-splice, so it’ll bend and stretch a little. Which can be fun, but it can also distort reality. Which can be fun.

  21. OctaneHugo says:

    @Quaxx: The Blazkowicz family line is a very complicated one, filled with tears, drama and sex.

    As for the actual game, I am excited for it. If it has a solid singleplayer experience with plenty of opportunities to use the mysterious “Veil” and tons of Nazi-shooting goodness it’ll be fine. The multiplayer is the true thing to look for in Wolfenstein. Let’s not forget, 9 years later people still play the classic Return to Castle Wolfenstein 1.33 multiplayer. I was one of them till I lost my disc.

  22. Heliocentric says:

    @octane and fresh cooked chicken eaten straight off the floor

  23. LQB says:

    Can’t be a generic horror game without a hospital.

  24. lumpi says:

    Now this is gonna be SO banned in Germany.

  25. Psychopomp says:

    I wish the game looked like that first teaser…

  26. Jonathan says:

    It will all be OK as long as they remember to add heavy doses of weirdness. Occassionally sprinkle in a standard Medal of Honor/Call of Duty hallway, lulling you into a “hey these are just regular Nazis trying to earn a living” mood, and then…MECHA-HIMMLER! supported by undead Hun warriors and vampiric SS high preistesses. That’s all I ask.

  27. Sajmn says:

    @Jonathan I’m all for the priestes though she has to wear highly sexual clothing and whisper naughty lines into your ear as you fight to the death in in traditional kung-fu and strip poker

  28. Borat says:

    i am afraid that this game will be too science fictiony – for me. too futuristic and fantasy crap. could i, the master of pc gaming, be wrong ? possible, sure, but i doubt it. sure, i still look forward to it, but then i’m a pc gamer. a true gamer. i give anything a chance – just about.

  29. Solario says:

    My mind is so fucking blown by the Commander Keen infodump, that I can’t even process it.