Atriuming And Ahing? Hearts of Iron III Demo

The Horror of War.

It’s launching imminently (August 7th). Hell, I’ve got a review copy which is looking at me threatening. I inch away. I’m not Tim Stone, for God’s sake. He can handle a strategic lady like you. I’ll just try bopping my cock gently on your forehead, and that’s no use to anyone. Er… metaphorically speaking. Anyway, for those still on the fence, there’s a demo of Hearts of Iron III available now. In it you an play as Germany, France, Poland or the UK for the first four months of WW2. Poor Poland. Anyway, there’s a latest trailer below, which shows off the Blitzkrieg gameplay. “Blitzkrieg” is one of my favourite words. Go Blitzkrieg!

That sure is some Blitzkrieging.

You can pre-order it from here, if you fancy.


  1. Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

    I could relate…I bought EU 1 for half an euro from GG and I ragequit in terror in the middle of the tutorial :)

  2. Pags says:

    That’s the most awkward metaphor I think I’ve ever read.

  3. Theblazeuk says:

    You play as the US in the first four months of WW2? That sounds kind of dull considering Pearl Harbor was in 1941.

  4. phil says:

    Blitzkrieg centred games are only satisfying if you utterly gimp the strategic allied AI then play as the Germans for the sake of historical accuracy.

  5. Dave says:

    “Germany, France, Poland or the US for the first four months of WW2”


    Its not like the Brits did anything…

  6. Psychopomp says:


    Still can’t wrap my head around HOI.

    I think I’ll go have a sit down, now.

  7. Dave says:

    America – “you want some boats and stuff guys?”
    Britain – “Nah were too busy drinking tea and playing cricket”
    Poland – “FFFFFUUUUU-”
    France – “They’re coming outta the walls. They’re coming outta the goddamn walls. Let’s book!”

  8. phil says:

    @Dave – So you’re not so big on the whole history thing then?

  9. Trite says:

    Yes, at last. Been waiting for HoI3 for so, so long. Except the fact that Paradox games are quite unbalanced at release and get noticeably better after patches. And about the picture: who uses those square unit markers? I want to view my troops as men and tanks, not squares.

  10. Psychopomp says:


    Sometimes, comedy comes before historical accuracy.

  11. Psychopomp says:


    I quite liked his interpretation of Poland.

  12. phil says:


    To be fair they actually got as far as FFUUUUCCC-

  13. Dave says:

    I think i have just grasped whats got sand in Phils naughty bits. I am a Brummy you silly sod, re-read it with the initial quote taken into context. the Brits are left out and the Americans contribution to the war at the start was mostly comprised of lending/giving Britain cash, destroyers and arms was it not?

  14. phil says:


    It doesn’t matter if you are English, American or God forbid, Cornish, you’re still more than slightly wrong.

  15. Xercies says:


    Did you not know that America and Germany were the only ones in the war.

    I don’t know

  16. Psychopomp says:


    All of WW2 was Texas V Germany.

    Scratch that

    The Texas Rangers V Germany.

    Not the baseball team, silly.

  17. Kieron Gillen says:

    I want to read Phil’s half-sentence potted histories of the first months of WW2 now.


  18. Antsy says:

    Not a thread for the irony impaired it seems.

  19. Mads says:

    Oh my – that is one sexy looking gameplay video…

  20. Dave says:

    I have just read the Penguins abridged guide to WWII and i have to admit to everyone that i am completely wrong! I am sorry. memes werent even invented back then! and James Cameron wasnt even a twinkle in Mr Cameron Snr’s eye.

  21. Psychopomp says:


    Don’t let Kieron down, he might make Walker cry for that.

  22. Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

    Hearts of Irony? :)

  23. Antsy says:

    @ Frankie The Patrician[PF]

    Hahah! Now THATS a game I could get into!

  24. Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

    I’m afraid that would be too much realism even for Paradox :)

  25. The Colonel says:

    Presumably the title isn’t actually referring to the French?

  26. TC says:

    In two minds about getting this, love grand stratergy games and became fairly addicted to EU3, however could not get into the previous HoI games.

    I know if I spend the time needed to get into the game I will be happily using my Panzer groups to encircle the Russians in the Ukraine whilst researching improved googles for my pilots ETC

    However I just dont know if I have the patience anymore…I knew buying that Xbox 360 would be bad for me.

  27. Algo says:

    Er, my version of the demo has the UK, not USA as playable. Am i missing something?

  28. groovychainsaw says:

    @TC Everyone needs improved googles for their pilots, would have been a huge communication boon in WW2, not to mention the development of google maps for bombing runs ;-)
    /Stikcs pins in google maps
    /15 hours later…

  29. jRides says:

    I am interested. But also slightly scared of its scary bigness.

  30. Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

    You, Sir, are the brave one…just look at the screenshot makes me shiver…

  31. TC says:


    Fair cop, I am just a victim of a particular well known search engines brand saturation.

  32. Jae Armstrong says:


    Sprites are in, iirc. Something Paradox took ridiculous amounts of flak for, as “everybody uses counters”.


    I’m a fan of Paradox games in general, but WWII leaves me cold. I’ll probably buy it anyway, if only to see if they actually managed to pull off the ridiculous Molyneux features they were talking about in the dev diaries.

    Who are you reviewing it for, Mr Gillen? More to the point, who is Tim Stone reviewing it for (I dearly hope he’s doing it for somebody)?

  33. Rosti says:

    Wait, does this mean that the Great BremXJones is writing one more review?

  34. Super Bladesman says:

    I just know that I will buy this and then not play it – business as usual then… :D

  35. CogDissident says:

    They left the counters in, specifically, to try to appease those people. Because they’ve always tried to cater to their hardcore base as well, lets face it, their games arn’t exactly lowbrow massmarket appealing.

  36. icabod says:

    @ Theblazeuk
    I think it’s called “Spectator Mode”

  37. Novotny says:

    This is pretty old, but maybe some of you haven’t seen it before. WW2 IRC channel.

    *Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
    *Eisenhower has joined the game.*
    *paTTon has joined the game.*
    *Churchill has joined the game.*
    *benny-tow has joined the game.*
    *T0J0 has joined the game.*
    *Roosevelt has joined the game.*
    *Stalin has joined the game.*
    *deGaulle has joined the game.*
    Roosevelt: hey sup
    T0J0: y0
    Stalin: hi
    Churchill: hi
    Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
    paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
    T0JO: lol
    Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
    benny-tow: haha america sux
    Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
    Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
    Stalin: cool
    deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
    Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
    Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
    Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
    Roosevelt: get antiair guns
    Churchill: i cant afford them
    benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
    paTTon: stfu
    Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
    deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
    Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
    paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
    Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
    deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
    *deGaulle has left the game.*
    Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
    benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
    benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
    Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
    T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
    Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
    T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
    Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf
    Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
    Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
    Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
    Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
    T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
    Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
    Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
    Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
    benny-tow: haha
    benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
    T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
    Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
    Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
    Stalin: church help me
    Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
    Stalin: dont be an arss
    Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
    Eisenhower: LOL
    benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
    Hitler: o man ur focked
    paTTon: oh what now biotch
    Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
    *benny-tow has been eliminated.*
    benny-tow: lame
    Roosevelt: gj patton
    paTTon: thnx
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
    Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
    Eisenhower: Nuts!
    benny~tow: wtf that mean?
    Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
    paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
    Stalin: rofl
    Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
    Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
    *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
    benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
    Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
    Stalin: OMG LMAO!
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
    *Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
    paTTon: hahahhah
    T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
    benny~tow: shut up noob
    Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
    paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
    Eisenhower: yah me too
    T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
    Eisenhower: fock u
    paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
    Stalin: go to hell lol
    paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
    Eisenhower: yah this is gay
    *Roosevelt has left the game.*
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
    Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
    *tru_m4n has joined the game.*
    tru_m4n: hi all
    T0J0: hey
    Stalin: sup
    Churchill: hi
    tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
    tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
    Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
    tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
    Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
    T0J0: wtf is nukes?
    T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
    *T0J0 has been eliminated.*
    *The Allied team has won the game!*
    Eisenhower: awesome!
    Churchill: gg noobs no re
    T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
    *T0J0 has left the game.*
    *Eisenhower has left the game.*
    Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
    Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
    tru_m4n: l8r all
    benny~tow: bye
    Churchill: l8r
    Stalin: fock u all
    tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
    *tru_m4n has left the game.*
    benny~tow: lololol u commie
    Churchill: ROFL
    Churchill: bye commie
    *Churchill has left the game.*
    *benny~tow has left the game.*
    Stalin: i hate u all fags
    *Stalin has left the game.*
    paTTon: lol no1 is left
    paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
    *paTTon has been eliminated.*
    paTTon: o sh1t!
    *paTTon has left the game.*

  38. Psychopomp says:

    I’ve got a gif of that somewhere…

  39. Clovus says:

    @Novotnoy: Ya, the US suddenly crapping out a gigantic army was pretty unfair. In real life things happen that would just make no sense in a game.

    For example, in the first Punic War Rome, who had almost no navy, decided to fight Carthage, who had the area’s biggest navy. In just two months Rome somehow managed to create a navy from scratch. They even made their navy better than Carthages with the corvus, a little bridge that hooked onto enemy ships allowing the much superior Roman soldiers to run across and beat people on the head. Can you image how pissed you’d be if the AI pulled that off in a game of Total War??

    Also, I was shocked at the number of comments on a story about something as dry as HOI, so I wasn’t surprised at the content of them.

  40. Novotny says:

    Thanks for that, Clivos.

  41. MrBejeebus says:

    Seen it before still made me laugh

    Looks ok I spose, not my kind of strategy really.

  42. Clovus says:

    Here’s an on-topic question. I haven’t actually played a HOI game. Would it be accurate to call it a logistics-em-up?

  43. phil says:

    @KG request for one sentence summation from up tread;

    An Englishman and a German realise that using a tank, aircraft and shock troop version of a pile on work would be a smashing idea, everyone ignores them contemptuously until an Austrian (who everyone has been ignoring politely) is inspired to take a road trip through Poland, meanwhile the French and British successfully prepare for World War I and the Belgian’s experience Da Ja Vue.

    Alternatively – Whoops!

  44. Mad Doc MacRae says:

    well done Dave lol

    And I was going to check this out until HoI2 veterans said “this is way more complex than what I’m used to”

  45. superking208 says:

    Sweet zombie Jesus, it’s here. Thank you. On another note:
    How is this any more complex than Dwarf Fortress?

  46. tmp says:

    The demo allows to play as UK not US, btw…

  47. Kieron Gillen says:

    I can’t even cut and paste correctly.


  48. Tweakd says:

    I’ve been following this for quite a while. Played the demo and I’m so lost! But I will really enjoy the learning curve. I have no doubt about that. Pre-ordered from GG and counting the hours until Friday.

    Just to clarify you can play as UK not US in the demo.

  49. Orange Required says:

    Wow, this really chugs on my computer. Totally unplayable.

    Shame. Weird, too, because I could run World of Conflict on medium-low settings perfectly well.