Hire Serious Sam’s Voice – For A Buck

Now here’s an especially strange little tale. The actor responsible for the voice of Serious Sam (i.e. like Duke Nukem, but not) has major money troubles. To fix ’em, he’s selling his gravelly tones for a mere buck a word. Maybe you’re a game developer in need of a cheap voice actor; maybe you’re a mod team about to make the critical mistake of getting your sister’s lisping boyfriend to record all your project’s dialogue. Maybe you’d just love a personalised, unique Serious Sam voicemail message. Or maybe, just maybe, the idea of getting a part-time stripclub DJ called ‘John J. Dick’ to record any dialogue you ask of him is too good an opportunity to pass up.

Here’s the sad, strange state of affairs in Dick’s own words, from his post over on his rather, ah, boisterous site Violencemedia. I’d advise against clicking the ‘tourettes’ button over on the right of that page. It’s a little too reminiscent of a pub conversation with Kieron.

$20,000 in credit card debt, bank overdrawn, behind on bills, etc. Got burglarized back in February, so I don’t even have anything left to show for my debt. It’s a long story how I got into this situation, if you’re curious I’ll tell you the details. Point being, though, I’m in a position where I’m desperate to pay my bills off in any way I can. I don’t particularly want to start sucking cock for rent money, so here’s what I’m gonna do for you. Super budget discount voice acting.

Act quickly. I’m only willing to whore myself out at these discout rates until I dig myself out of debt. This service is not only limited to game designers, movie producers and content creators. I would also love to help you set up a kick ass voicemail message, or maybe add some snappy dialogue to your home movies. Hell, maybe even a tranquil subliminal message to play while you sleep. Sky’s the limit.

The only real limitation I have is that I reserve the right to not ‘do’ the Serious Sam persona (use his name and specific ‘voice’). That doesn’t mean that I won’t do the Serious Sam voice in some situations, your voicemail message or somesuch. It’s just that Croteam and the Serious Sam franchise have been very good to me. I’m not going to do anything that would compromise my relationship with them. As the saying goes, you don’t shit where you eat. For the record, I have no problem at all shitting where someone else eats.

Delightful. And in case you’re not entirely sure how Dick’s dulcet tones sound, here’s a little refresher:

Thinking of proposing to your beau? Get this guy to record the question for you. Can’t fail.


  1. Serondal says:

    Ah how the mighty have fallen. Or wait, I don’t think he counts as “the mighty” so never mind.

  2. Blast Hardcheese says:

    Only a dollar a word?! I’ll never have to speak again!

  3. a says:

    How could dissuade listening to “marshmallow penis douche anus anus”?

  4. Starky says:

    The day Simon Templeman (Kain from you know, those games, legacy of) does this, is the day I’ll drop a grand on having him say all kinds of whacky stuff.

    This guy? Not so much – he doesn’t sound especially unique, another american voice over guy trying to sound much more macho than he really is – and failing.

    He’s no Shouty ANGRY voice-over man

  5. diebroken says:

    I’d ask him to do the voice Duke Nukem… for Duke Nukem Forever…

    On a side note, I wonder what Stephen Russell is doing next, Thief 4 (hopfully).

  6. LewieP says:

    I’d prefer Gordon Freeman.

  7. Don says:

    @LewieP: Exactly. I’d love a Dr. Isaac Kliener message. Or a recording of him introducing strippers…

  8. lePooch says:

    @LewieP Wait, Freeman has no voice in Half Life, so that’s a joke, right?…


    Oh god, does he? I always thought he’d have a “weedy nerd from MIT” squeal, and that’s how he sounded in my head. I bought the Orange Box but only played Half Life 2 and TF2. Now I’m gonna have to play the rest to assuage my fears.

    On topic: I’m quite sure he could do voices other than Serious Sam, he is a voice actor after all. If you asked, I’m sure he would bend his voice into Kain’s.

    Isn’t Kain just like a nasty upper-crust Englishman voice anyway? Whats so special about it?

  9. Oak says:

    Gordon gives a rousing rendition of the St. Crispin’s Day speech at the end of Episode One. Brings a tear to the eye, I’m not ashamed to say.

  10. Carra says:

    If only I’d get a dollar each time my mother in law says a word…

  11. LewieP says:

    Yeah, he’s famously mute.

  12. Berzee says:

    I considered paying for some snappy oneliners for NinjaGentlemen.com … but then I realized that Serious Sam is neither a ninja, nor a gentleman.

    He’s just so cheap though. Shouldn’t I be able to think of something?

  13. D says:

    As both a ninja and a gentleman, I say.. What a great loss that ninjagentlemen.com is a religious site. But good luck nonetheless :) *Tips hat* *Dissapears*

  14. Taillefer says:

    “It is one word! Hyphens make that all one word!”

  15. Adam says:

    Didn’t John Stjon or however you spell it (The guy that does duke nukem) do something similar to this too?

  16. Adam says:

    Where did my edit button go – link to destructoid.com

  17. Starky says:

    I also love the lie that $1 per word is somehow cheap…

    It’s bloody not you know.

    Most semi-pro voice actors wouldn’t get near that, and given this guys only real credit is in Serious Sam, he’s not exactly Steve blum now is he?

    Last time my company hired a voice actor (from a UK agency, for a radio commercial) It cost £400 for a fairly decent commercial voice-over artist.
    Plus studio fee, the buy out fee and a few other minor costs came to around £700 all told, for 3 hours of work.
    3 hours in which we recorded around twenty 10 second ads, twenty 15 second ads, and about ten 30 second ones. Each of which probably had several versions/takes.

    All told that would have probably been a few -thousand- words, what with retakes and “can you do that again in a friendlier tone”.

    I wasn’t at the recording but I heard the audio afterwards – 3 hours of audio – a good 90 mins of which was him reading the script (the rest was direction, questions, friendly banter and such).
    You’d be amazed at how many times a bloke can say the same line, and yet make it seem utterly different, even when you’re talking about a fairly dry ad for a fairly dry engineering firm.

    Anyway point is it would have cost us inane money had he charged by-the-word instead of per hour.

  18. Doctor Doc says:

    I always though the voice acting in SSam was way cheap. Now I know.

  19. Intangir says:

    I always wanted Rutger Hauer to be the voice of a video game. And not just a psychopathic villain either (though I’d settle for that).

    Sorry, what was the topic?

  20. Berzee says:

    “As both a ninja and a gentleman, I say.. What a great loss that ninjagentlemen.com is a religious site. But good luck nonetheless :) *Tips hat* *Dissapears*”

    ::throws a smoke bombe down your gullet:: Jesus walks through walls. >_O

    Ha, I was pulled in by the fake cheapness that is not cheap.

    I remember playing Serious Sam and thinking…well, no, I won’t criticize after all. How can I criticize Serious Sam’s voice after I’ve beaten Neverwinter Nights 2?

  21. Matzerath says:

    So it’s safe to surmise that he was not asked to reprise his role in the upcoming Serious Sam sequel? Bummer.
    I’d pay him a dollar for a photocopy of his resume, though.

  22. Cedge says:

    Someone give me a good idea for an answering machine message, ten words or less.

  23. Heliocentric says:

    This is the answerphone of *forename* *surname*. Message after beep.

    Its a classic.

  24. Cedge says:

    I’m one of those people who only has one name, and I am greatly offended at your ignorance of the plight of people like me.

  25. mejobloggs says:

    Maybe that could be your answering message :p

  26. sigma83 says:

    I’m fairly sure the $1 a word rate was for the final recording, not rehearsals etc. That’s what I gathered when I read this a while ago.

    Cedge: Congratulations! You’ve successfully reached the number you have dialed. Unfortunately the individual in possession of this number is out of range. Please state your reason for calling after the tone. Tone. *BEEP*

  27. sigma83 says:

    oh ten words or less.

    This is an automated response. Do not adjust your set. *BEEP*

  28. T. Slothrop says:

    I want the reanimated corpse of Klaus Kinski to speak for me and have his penetrating gaze also stare for me.

  29. Mike says:

    Podcast intro. Pay him now.

  30. pepper says:

    I want the guy that did the voice for the Red Alert 2 menu to do all my talking:

    Warning, Military software detected

    So on etc. Couldnt find any examples anywhere. You’d expect people to upload such ludicrous stuff to youtube eh? Love the whole einstein story and look at this commander, you may encounter these units in the battlefield.

  31. aldo_14 says:

    Is *BEEP* also a word, though? Because it should be.

  32. The Colonel says:

    I want the guy that shouts at the beginning of that amazing song from Red Alert 1 to do my voice acting. Or Eric Idle’s Rincewind. That won’t work.

  33. Nimic says:

    That’s expensive.

  34. Robin says:

    Awesome, for $1 I get to hear someone say: “happyflipplegippywodworthgappynousuck”

  35. Paul Moloney says:

    I recall there was a fair unremarkable futuristic air-war game a while back whose only point of note was that the lovely Gillian Anderson did the voice of the computer.(*) I would certainly buy that for a dollar or four.

    (*)Looked it up: link to en.wikipedia.org

  36. Mort says:

    It´s not cheap for 2 hours of constant work, it´s supposed to be cheap for a few short phrases, and simpler to arrange than a normal contract. That´s what he´s going for. If someone wants to hire him for more serious work (like the voice acting a character for an entire game or a commercial), they would most likely make him a different proposal.

    Point being, paying 50 bucks and no strings attached for some lines to throw around a videogame to spice up the atmosphere is probably cheap (if I were making one it would be tempting), but voice acting the whole dialogue of planescape:torment would be not.

  37. Richard Clayton says:

    I am not going to buy anything from a man recording an advert in his vest…

  38. Berzee says:

    THAT’S it! He looks so much like Lou Diamond Phillips.

  39. Wes says:

    I would pay anything for a Duke Nukem voicemail.

  40. Lucas says:

    The embedded video has really terrible audio. It sounds like he’s trapped in a giant echoing air conditioner and has developed a lisp. That’s irony.

  41. Richard Clayton says:

    particularly as he is S’therious S’tham…

  42. Shih Tzu says:

    Starky: It’s a nonsense rate for anything of significant length, but it’s not a bad deal for something super-short. My experience has been that even if you only have a couple lines to record, the unionized actors I’ve worked with have a minimum session length they charge you for. That’s why it’s a major problem if we discover later that we need pickups; a couple lines mistranslated or missing can mean upwards of a thousand bucks to book a new session, and that’s if only one actor is involved.

  43. PodX140 says:

    Hell, I’ll give this guy a donation when I get my next paycheck without even asking him for voice acting. This voice made the serious sam games, from his “ARRGHHHHHHHHHHhhh yourself.” to his “Croteam Owns.” I will definitely be purchasing serious sam HD, and will look forward to more of the classic games.

    BTW, if you do pop in serious sam for a good gaming session, you will notice that no, its not like TMNT and is based on nostalgia. the game still REEKS of fun and enjoyment. now to get a few more players for co-op…

  44. Stupoider says:

    So I’m guessing this is a premium text-to-speech service?

    I was beginning to get tired of Microsoft Sam anyway. :>

  45. Bob says:

    Noticed this on his Twitter:

    “Ufff… Got drunk last night. Couple girls from the club took me to a bar and took advantage of me (ie: made me buy them drinks).”

    Sure, a man’s got to live a little, but when you’re practically asking for money, you should keep things like that to yourself (and off the web).

    Also, isn’t he the guy who did the voice acting for The Black Whirlwind in Jade Empire?