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TF2 Cheaters Don't Go To Heaven

An artist's impression.

TF2 has recently suffered a plague of some of cheating. Rather than cheating to win matches, players have been cheating to gain in-game items, using “external idling applications”. The drops came at random, so people hung around on specifically designed servers until they’d collected what they were after. (I think.) Valve have announced this Will Not Do, and anyone who has accrued items this way will find they have vanished from their inventory. And this is the their gentle, generous response.

Erik Johnson explains on the TF2 blog:

“Due to us not having a policy in place prior to today, this time we’re only removing the items earned through cheating the system. Going forward, if we find users using external applications, we’ll remove all of their items.”

However, if you weren’t amongst the 4.5% of players who were so very, very naughty, you’ll find you’ve received a reward: a new hat. A halo.

Of course, because this is a Valve game this can only have been met by the community with utter, frothing fury. Groups like HealersAgainstHalos have been set up, refusing to heal anyone who wears one. Dozens and dozens of posts are appearing on the forum with people pronouncing Valve as the Earth’s greatest evil. Atheists are angry because it’s Christian propaganda. It is clearly the worst thing that any company has ever done to any person ever in the history of the UNIVERSE!

Or as many have suggested, those who cheated could receive a pair of horns.

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John Walker


Once one of the original co-founders of Rock Paper Shotgun, they killed me out of jealousy. I now run

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