Edward Penishands: Sex Squad

If there’s one guaranteed way to make young people learn about the importance of safe sex, it’s to make them answer an awful lot of questions about STDs, while a man with giant penises for hands bombards them with similarly giant sperm, which also bears the face of a shark. Canadian public information game Sex Squad is absolutely NSFW, but it is a) the best thing ever and b) the worst thing ever. Oh, internet – never grow up.

Will you play as Captain Condom, who by a freak accident is half man, half condom; the promiscuous yet obsessively hygienic Power Pap;militant virgin Wonder Vag (I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP) or Willy The Kid, who is a short man with large genitalia? Not quite sure where they’re going with that last one.

As a game, it’s just a tedious collection of yes/no questions. As a spectacle, it’s beyond words.

It’s a unique document of crudity, naivety and important advice about condom usage – I rather fear its creators were so busy amusing themselves by seeing how many sex gags public funding is prepared to cover that the educational element got kinda lost. Then again, it’s certainly memorable. Of course, it’s not really aimed at sensible (hah!) grown-ups (hah!) like us – but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a giggle. Again: NSFW. And sorry for making the word ‘penis’ appear in your RSS feed. I know it’s illegal to admit anyone has one of them.


  1. Transportdaemon says:

    WTF? Do you get free std treatment if you win or something?

  2. SirKicksalot says:

    The Gun is good! Penis is evil! etc, etc

  3. HermitUK says:

    So how long before the Marvel film trilogy deal I wonder…

  4. Samuel Bigos says:

    Damn I got one wrong.

    • Auspex says:

      I got one wrong too….
      So do I really have to contact ALL my previous sexual partners?

  5. Nathan says:

    I agree: this is the BEST THING EVER. Will anyone accept it for GOTY nominations?

  6. Bobic says:

    It’s no half-life 2

  7. Kakksakkamaddafakka says:

    “Arg, right in the face!”


  8. Bhazor says:

    It’s the fact it’s seemingly government funded thats the best thing ever. Also Wonder Vag.

    Though the double think of “The most common symptom of an STI is to have no symptoms” comes close.

  9. Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

    Condom every bloody time? Getting tested after every sex or so? Dental “condoms” for oral sex?
    Sweet Jesus on a stick, it sure sounds like a safe, but boring sex life…

  10. Kakksakkamaddafakka says:

    This is totally not helping the issue of kids gettings STD’s, though.

    I mean, what this game is actually saying is that, if you have unprotected sex, your hands might actually turn into giant penises. Who wouldn’t want that?

  11. skinlo says:

    I got every single question right! :D:D

  12. Scypher says:

    I’m pretty amused by the Related Stories here.

  13. RawTheory says:

    The game sucked and the jokes were lame. It was also pushin gov propaganda. So yeah…..total waste of time.

    • Thants says:

      You have a problem with government propaganda that people should use condoms? Who are you, the Pope?

    • DJ Phantoon says:

      I don’t think the Pope would say it was government propaganda.

      And if the worst propaganda the Canadians can do is safe sex, then obviously they are a weak nation ripe for the invading.

      They still have gold mines in addition to the lumber, right? I can’t build more footmen if they’re out of gold.

  14. bhlaab says:

    BRB going to pick the young pretty teenage virgin by choice and get every question wrong on purpose

  15. we3bus says:

    AAAARRRGH! Right in the face!

  16. Lemon scented apocalypse says:

    Aarrrrgh! Thats sticky!

  17. Sagan says:

    What do you say, I actually learned something. The morning after pill can be taken for up to three days after.

  18. SquareWheel says:

    I got two wrong. One question was something along the lines of “Oral sex is safer because you can’t get pregnant”. I answered true, because the answer is right in the question. Apparently they meant safer from STIs, so I got it wrong.

    • jsdn says:

      Yet wouldn’t oral sex still be technically safer (lower probability) from STDs than intercourse anyway? These questions are shoddy.

  19. Inigo says:

    Why is Strong Bad making games about STDs?

  20. deuterium. says:

    Link broken for anyone else? I must experience the penishands!

  21. Demon Beaver says:

    Nice sound effects… hurrgh

  22. MadMatty says:

    got one wrong also, the “does using a condom always help against STI´s” – i forgot that some STI´s spread thru skin contact, not only from the knob.

    • MadMatty says:

      but it certainly HELPS your chances.

    • Daniel Klein says:

      Even plain old STDs aren’t *always* caught by the condom. For instance, if your penis is the size of THAT MAN’S FOREARMS, the condom may fail.

  23. Latterman says:

    The regarding Escapist’s Forum Thread is full of Canadians proclaiming how ashamed they are to be part of a nation that creates such wonderful abominations.

    Pure joy.

  24. Neils says:

    Absolutely. Positively. Fabulous.

  25. Daniel Klein says:

    Coming soon: the Japanese version, where it goes in the face if you get the answer right, and where, if you get it wrong, the man diffidently apologizes for your inadequacy.