Best Of All The Animals: Free Realms Trailer


There’s a trailer out for Free Realms, showing off their ponies, both walking and flying. I’m posting it first, because it made me think of I’m On A Boat. And second, because it made me think of I Love Horses. And believe me, they’re below. But then I went to the game’s site to check stuff out, and it sort of needed me to be a NEW USER to continue, and then it had me create a character, and by that point sticking an email and password in didn’t seem a big deal, by which point it was downloading the game for me, because… because the squirrel kept telling me to.

Fortunately this smooth process that was drawing me into playing the free MMO was somewhat waylaid by my having to pretend to read and tick about sixty-seven different EULAs, and interest rapidly waned. When the application eventually starts it’s a series of dull menus, mostly asking me to pay money, and then into a super-cutesy world where I’m instantly being asked to adopt pets. I don’t want to adopt pets. I’m 32. What am I doing? Oh yes – I’m posting videos that have nothing to do with this game. A game which looks like a nice, safe environment for people to play, with sensible parental controls, and the like. Unlike this post.

So here’s the video (link for Chrome users who can’t see GT vids at the moment) showing off the horsies. The warning before hand suggests there’s “crude humour”. Either my petal-like mind is too pure to spot it, or it’s a strange warning:

Right, so first, here’s I’m On A Boat, just in case you missed it (this has an awful lot of naughty swears in it):

But perhaps more importantly, here’s I Love Horses. This is the original, the pure version. The version former PC Gamer editor Ross Atherton and I discovered, DISCOVERED, ourselves, after shopping for snacks one lunchtime and finding the magazine, I Love Horses, sporting a free plastic horse gift on the cover. Being two mature men of pithy wit, we inferred far more meaning from the name “I Love Horses” than perhaps the magazine had attempted to imply. We giggled. We got back to the PCG office and found the website. We heard the song. We knew we had found something important. We told everyone else on the whole of Planet Earth. And so I, John Walker, stake joint claim to have been the beginning of that meme. I care not for protests to the contrary. It was Ross Atherton and me. Please sing the following song to your friends:

EDIT: Oh my goodness, thanks to Mr_Day in the comments for linking to this. Yeah, it’s an advert. But hell, it’s a funny one that brings this all neatly together:


  1. Jimbo says:

    That’s the lushest mane I’ve ever seen.

  2. Mr_Day says:

    Combining both those into one package of awesome:

  3. HexagonalBolts says:

    ‘found the website. We heard the song. We knew we had found something important.’


  4. AndrewC says:

    Just how many goddamn wings do you need cute little fairy girl about halfway through that video?

  5. DesireCampbell says:

    “I’m on a horse.”

  6. Okami says:

    Now all this post is missing is a link to this: link to

  7. Richard Beer says:

    I once used “I love horses” as a ringtone, because I’m such a funny guy, and it went off in a job interview.

    Strangely, that turned out to be a good thing.

    • drygear says:

      All right, I want to hear this story.

    • Frankie The Patrician[PF] says:

      So they loved horses, too…right?

    • Richard Beer says:

      There are times when whatever you’re imagining is probably funnier or more interesting than the reality, and this is one of them. So it will forever remain an Internet myssssterrrryyyyyy!!!

  8. Richard Beer says:

    Incidentally, I think “I’m on a horse” is more like to be taken from this modern classic-to-be, the Old Spice ad (just in case it’s passed you by):

    • Richard Beer says:

      Note to self: read the comments that have appeared since you last read the article before posting again.

  9. Tom O'Bedlam says:

    Old spice advert for the win!

    My favourite variant of the I love Horses is here – link to crank volume to boom

  10. passingtramp says:

    Trailer works on Chrome for me.

  11. HermitUK says:

    link to A sadly much forgotten horse related ditty.

  12. The Hammer says:

    Oh my. I think today may just be My Best Day Ever. I’ve never laughed at an RPS post this much since MYSIMS COMING TO PC or Limbo of the Lost. That Old Spice advert… ahahahahaha.

    Unfortunately, I don’t have any boat/horse related gems to offer. SORRY

  13. Ffitz says:

    More horsey goodness:

    “Running around with a man on your back, like train in the night. Like a train in the night.”

  14. Premium User Badge

    DollarOfReactivity says:

    I guess I was under a rock and missed all these things up till now. Thanks John, this post was truly something very… special.

    I’m going to have I’m On A Boat / I’m On A Horse in my head all day now aren’t I? Ahh!

  15. Lambchops says:

    I failed to get the whole On a Boat thing. Indeed I would have quite happily completely missed out on it if it hadn’t been for a friend I hadn’t seen in ages looking incredulously that I hadn’t heard it, as if I’d taken a holiday to Mars or something.

    Anyway I feel like I’m sullying the cheerfulness, so I’ll add another thumbs up for old spice and use the horse talk as a nice excuse to post some lovely pop music courtesy of the wonderful Euros Childs:

  16. Nick says:

    The only crude thing I can think of is the person riding the pink pony.

  17. robrob says:

    I saw that image and thought of two things: I’m On a Boat and I Love Horses. I read the post. I was amazed.

  18. Pod says:

    I used to spend hours, HOURS!, debating whether it’s:

    “I love horses, they’re the BEST of ALL the animals.”
    “Out of ALL the animals, I love horses THE BEST.”

    I never came to a solid conclusion. WHICH ONE IS IT?

    • AndrewC says:

      The answer is “Out of ALL the animals, I love badgers THE BEST.”

    • robrob says:


      Based on the pause between the lines, I had always assumed that they were implying that horses are the best of all the animals. This clearly isn’t true as a horse wouldn’t stand a chance against a polar bear or a whale.

    • Nick says:

      I believe the rules of sentence structure do not apply when attempting to get lyrics to scan. Even adding or subtracting syllables is fair game.

    • Clovis says:

      I somehow heard, “I love horses! Smell my breath!”


    • HermitUK says:

      Andrew, don’t bring Badgers into this.

  19. LionsInnards says:

    A song about horsemen, in a very manly, sitting-in-ye-tavern-singing-folk-songs way.

    “If I was a horse I would
    Rush like a leopard.
    If I was a horse I would
    Trample the shepherd down.
    If I was a horse I’d have
    Bricks in my mane.
    If I was a horse I would throw up the reins. ”

  20. Malagate says:

    I am glad I have been desensitised to loving horses thanks to b3ta, but I must give kudos to hermit for bringing up “My lovely horse” and the fact that sax solos are a thing of the past.

    Actually I think I’m getting desentised to horses being mountable in games full stop, I remember spending ages getting a camel in Vanguard and all the fun was in the anticipation rather than in riding it (and the fact that camels are just funnier than horses). Even when I got a horse there was no big thrill, despite it being the best of all the animals. I fear I might be dead inside.

    The only mount that’d interest me in a MMO now would probably have to be either a kind of gigantic insect/arachnid/crustacean, a motorbike, a jetbike, a hoverboard or a dirigible that lets me cannon the crap out of other dirigibles. I miss Air Buccaneers, so I can’t be that dead inside. Hopefully.

    • James G says:

      I’ve always been minorly miffed that B3ta was secretly linking I Love Horses long before the Rickroll, and yet somehow get ignored for it. And ‘I Love Horses’ is far superior to Astley.

    • Tom OBedlam says:

      I’m glad there are other b3tans here to appreciate this :)

  21. Colthor says:

    My word.

    Is there counselling one can have to remove the “I love horses” jingle from one’s brain, or is surgery the only option?

    • Colthor says:

      I just realised. It’s obvious, with what John’s said above: Despite misleading hints dropped in the PCGUK podcast, it’s clear that Ross Atherton moved to another magazine where his burgeoning equiphilia would be a great asset.

  22. Jahkaivah says:

    Incidently, this website hasn’t mentioned Robot Unicorn Attack yet has it?

    link to

    • Mr_Day says:

      Lord, I had forgotten about that. And now here you are, putting that Erasure song back into my head.

      Open your eyes! I see! Your eyes are open!

    • Sagan says:

      It hasn’t been mentioned, but it definitely deserves it’s own post. (yes RPS, I am making these decisions for you)

      Btw a hint to anyone playing the game: You can press X to destroy the stars. I had somehow missed that when playing the game for the first time and was very frustrated.

  23. MinisterofDOOM says:

    Someone said something about the best of the Animals?

  24. Clovis says:

    So, if I understood all this correctly, I should play FreeRealms, right? And if I don’t like it, I can blame John Walker.

    • Wulf says:

      Free Realms is actually quite, quite good, and considering that you can get 2-3 months of subscription (should you choose to do so) out of it for the same price as one month of most other MMOs, it’s pretty good value, too. Just never open the item store, as everything there is basically cosmetic or an item that boosts you past the balance the game’s intended to have. In other words, unlike other games with item shops (and their bloody XP scrolls) there’s nothing you really need on it, just cosmetic things you may want.

      It’s kind of nice that it works like that, because at the end of the day it has this ‘pay what you can’ feel to it, rather than ‘GIVE US ALL THE MONEY YOU CAN’, the latter of which is what I’d normally expect from SOE. And it helps that the game is fun, too, and even evolves on the staid MMO concepts in its own, staid little way. It’s one of the few MMOs where I had to catch cows or run a race in order to complete the quest, and frankly, I absolutely loved it.

  25. DMcCool says:

    I never imagined clicking on this article would prove as profitable as it did.

    Bravo gentlemen.

  26. Marshall says:

    Sure, sure, but can these ponies put on a musical?
    (nightmare warning)

  27. 7hm says:

    The I Love Horses thing is just weird. The Old Spice ad is pure gold though.

  28. Wisq says:

    What on earth is the point of a Pegasus if the best it can do is hover a foot or two off the ground and jump now and then? If you’re going to do that, just give me a pink Back to the Future hoverboard and have done with it.

    Incidentally, I use Firefox and have still been having the Gametrailers issue the Chrome users have had, but I run it in Linux, so that probably explains it. Either way, the embed worked this time, oddly. But the link is much appreciated.

    • Tei says:


      Well.. I don’t know, but playing Sorcer in Vanguard has teach me to love the ability to hover a foot off the ground. Is a one foot over all other people, so to look at other people you have to look down. to then to look at you, have to look up, like the inferiors that are.

  29. Nero says:

    Mmm, sweet lemonade..

  30. Wulf says:

    This… this is glorious. Thank you, Mr. Walker, very much so.

    Though I think I’m going to end up needing counselling too if I end up singing these things too much. Thankfully, the Flash Gordon theme seems to be able to shift just about anything from my head, which leads to other Queen songs and thus saves my sanity. So I do have a meme killswitch if this goes too far. Thank goodness.

    • Fitz says:

      You can just about make “Flash / aa-aah / best of all the animals” scan, if you work hard.

    • Wulf says:

      You’ve now corrupted Flash Gordon in my head, and it’s doing a sort of… Sonic the Hedgehog/Flash Gordon amalgam Universe thing.

      He’s for every animal, stand for every animal, save with a mighty jump, every wolf, every fox, every gull… he’s the mighty Flash!

  31. Stu says:

    For some reason I feel oddly compelled to post this Space Giraffe video:

  32. amishmonster says:

    I was reading through the article and thinking, “There’s no way this could not include the Old Spice ad!” And then it did. Well done, sirs.

  33. DJ Phantoon says:

    And yet no one mentioned Goodbye Horses?

    I guess it doesn’t really have much to do with horses. At all.

  34. Urthman says:

    John, you could get your mum to pay for some cool horse armor or whatever it is Free Realms is selling by signing up for Kwedit! The online company dedicated to getting kids hooked on debt before they get to high school!

    Just buy the horse armor on Kwedit and then Pass the Duck(TM) to your mum!

    link to

    Words cannot express how desperately I wish either I were kidding or they were. This is real.

    Pass the Duck is a way for Kwedit users to ask a friend or family member to pay for a Kwedit Promise on their behalf. If you received a Pass the Duck request, it's easy to respond by signing into Kwedit (there's no obligation on your part) and indicating what action you'd like to take. You can accept the request and pay on the requestor's behalf, you can decline the request and either notify them or just say no, or, you can skip it. When you Pass the Duck, it's a great opportunity to start a conversation about financial literacy and the responsible use of credit, using the resources at

    • Wulf says:

      The sad part is that one part of that service is great, whereas the other part is borderline malevolent.

      A kid wants to buy their own stuff? They can use the Kwedit Direct service and mail in the money, or they can ask their parents to buy it for them (which is all that Pass the Duck really is, it’s just a system wherein a kid can ask their parent to buy something for them, then the parent can choose to do so or decline). That in itself doesn’t seem so bad.

      What is bad is the Kwedit Promise system, wherein they promise to pay their debts within 7 to 14 days, that’s just not a healthy thing to allow someone to have access to in their early teen years, because the thing is that if they do manage to pay their debts off early, they’re allowed to ‘promise’ (borrow) more and more, eventually reaching a point where they can’t pay it off. And what then? To put a kid in that position does seem malevolent.

      It’s a shame really, because if it was the first part only and not the second then it would’ve been a brilliant service.

    • vagabond says:

      Except that because there is no interest charged, you can never end up in a situation where your ability to repay = interest charges alone, so they can always pay it back eventually. They might end up with a black mark from whatever MMO or other service they defaulted on paying, but isn’t that the point? They get to experience how credit cards work and find out how you can easily overextend yourself without the repercussions being nearly as severe. Maybe if they get their MMO account suspended at 14, they’ll avoid getting their car repossessed when they’re 20.

      I can see that you might think this is a terrible thing if you object to our credit driven consumer culture in the first place, but sadly I think it’s just a way of preparing teenagers for how life seems to work now, and putting a stop to it isn’t going to stop most people having a couple of thousand (euro)dollars/pounds of credit card debt.

  35. Urthman says:

    Wulf said:
    A kid wants to buy their own stuff? They can use the Kwedit Direct service and mail in the money, or they can ask their parents to buy it for them (which is all that Pass the Duck really is, it’s just a system wherein a kid can ask their parent to buy something for them, then the parent can choose to do so or decline). That in itself doesn’t seem so bad…It’s a shame really, because if it was the first part only and not the second then it would’ve been a brilliant service.

    Speaking as a parent, I would like to assert that the first part is also very bad evil bad.

  36. Urthman says:

    Anonymous Coward said:
    I can see that you might think this is a terrible thing if you object to our credit driven consumer culture in the first place

    Yes. That. I have no credit card debt, and I can think of no better lesson to teach my children than to avoid credit card debt at all costs. So that’s why I think a service encouraging 13-year-olds to get in the habit of buying stuff they don’t actually have the money for is evil.

  37. LionsPhil says:

    Goddamn, do computervidjeograme animators need to look at some actual horses some time.

    Call of Juarez was actually pretty good in that respect. They didn’t act entirely like a motorbike or faster pair of your own legs, either.