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This Isn't The News

Is that clear enough?

Since there hasn’t been any PC gaming news today, I thought I’d make some up.

PopCap Announces 70 Billionth Download Of Bejeweled.

PopCap boss, Simon Chuzzle, today announced that Bejeweled has now been downloaded ten times by every person on the planet. The match-3 puzzle game has proven so popular that even remote tribal groups in the Amazon have been reported to be downloading the game onto wicker machines via satellite internet connections. Said Chuzzle this afternoon,

“We’re absolutely delighted by the continued popularity of Bejeweled, despite it actually being a bit shit. We obviously all know that Zoo Keeper on the DS was by far the better game, and indeed most of the rest of our own games are enormously more well made and interesting than the rather average match-3 game. However, you can’t argue with absolutely every human in existence, nor this towering pile of money that threatens to topple and kill us all.”

Other PopCap employees were seen celebrating the news by throwing gold bars into the ocean from their luxury yachts.

Ubisoft Chairman Explains He Just Fancies The Employee Who Makes The DRM

CEO of Ubisoft, Michael Creed, has revealed in an interview with Eurogamer that he’s just really into the woman who’s responsible for developing new DRM.

“Yeah, I know, it sounds kinda lame,” explained the boss of the much criticised publisher. “I think she’s really nice, and this new system gave me loads of excuses to talk with her.”

It seems that on learning of the boss’s crush, colleagues in the DRM development team dared their team leader, Sarah Cooper, to see how ridiculous a suggestion she could put forward. “We tried to come up with some really silly DRM solutions,” explained an unnamed member of the team. “When we came up with the always-online idea, we thought we were maybe going too far. I mean, who would seriously think that’s an okay thing to do to customers? And you know, the rest is history.”

Activision Sues Itself

Court proceedings were filed today as Activision prepares to sue itself for various claims. The publisher made the following statement this morning when the news first broke.

“Activision Blizzard, Inc. has filed a suit against Activision Blizzard, Inc. this morning, alleging breach of contract and defamation. We intend to see justice is done to ensure the future of Activision Blizzard Inc. is not jeopardised by the actions of Activision Blizzard Inc. No further comment can be made at this time.”

It is thought that Activision may be suing itself in response to Activision’s damage to the name of Activision for the volume of lawsuits the company is currently involved in. Other insiders at Activision have suggested that it may simply be that the publisher has run out of anyone else to take to court.

Activision responded to the suit this afternoon by announcing they will be counter-suing Activision for violating their fiduciary duty and unjust enrichment.

Australia Bans Being 18

As the battle for an R18+ rating for Australian videogames grows more intense, former South Australian Attorney-General Martin Arkinson has brought forward proceedings to ban the age of 18 completely from the Australian nation. With a recent petition gathering nearly 100,000 signatures, and both GAME and Electronics Boutique getting behind the campaign for an adult rating to match cinema and DVD, the government states that the new bill is the only sensible response to ensure the prevention of violence and sexual videogames being available.

“18-year-olds’ determination to get their hands on these games, and thus inevitably into the hands of children, is completely out of hand,” explained the recently resigned politician, who will continue to work until 2012. “The only option that remains is to remove the problem at its root.”

If the bill passes successfully, as is predicted, then being 18 will be illegal in Australia from July 2010. Anyone caught being this age will be fined up to $100,000 (Aus), and can expect up to twelve months in prison.

Final Infinity Ward Employee Walks Out

David Gardening, the last employee left at Infinity Ward, has walked out of the company. Following the departures of West and Zampella, and indeed everyone else who works there, Gardening explained to ShackNews that he thought he “may as well.”

“I didn’t really have any beef with Activision,” explains the final member of the team. “To be honest, I never really got on with Jason and Vince. Everyone else seemed to think they were great, but I thought they were kind of dicks. I dunno, maybe it was a personality thing. But anyway, when they were fired I wasn’t that fussed.”

However, once everyone else in the company had left, Gardening realised that there wasn’t much point in sticking around. “I mean, I was only really responsible for the headbob. There was only so much I could do on Modern Warfare 3 on my own. I looked around, and felt pretty lonely, so I figured I’d go.”

GameStation Admits Its Terms Of Service Took Customer’s Souls

Oh no, wait, this one’s actually true.

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John Walker

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One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and general hero of humanity.

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