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Front Bottoms: Zombie Cow's Privates


Would you like to see Zombie Cow’s Privates? We sure would. We’d not only like to see them, but we’d like to play with them once we have. But no! We’re not talking about their penises! We’re talking about their new winky-themed game, Privates! (NB. We’re talking about their penises.)

Made in partnership with Channel 4 and the Time Gentlemen, Please! creators, it’s a 3D game in which… Waitasecondwhatnow? 3D? Three dee?! Heavens. It’s described as a “platform 3D twin-stick shooter”, and if I carried on trying to explain it to you, you wouldn’t believe me. So here’s their own description:

“You lead a teeny-tiny gang of condom-hatted marines as they delve into peoples’ vaginas and bottoms and blast away at all manner of oozy, shouty monsters. It’s rude, funny, bitingly satirical and technically pretty accurate if you don’t count the tiny people or the germs with teeth.”

My germs have teeth.

It’s probably a good job this is Channel 4, eh? The BBC would have no truck with this botties and ladygardens business. And come on, who isn’t dying to play this now? You’ll have to wait until the Summer, where it will be free for PC via Channel 4 and E4. Silly old Xbox users will likely have to pay, once again proving that PC gamers live in an idyllic Eden-like fantasy world of endless magical joy.

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John Walker


Once one of the original co-founders of Rock Paper Shotgun, they killed me out of jealousy. I now run

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