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Let's All Do The Rohan Rap

To be fair, that's not a bikini. But it's very hard to get the latch to fasten around the wings.

I spotted an advert – one of those MMO ads with a lady in her bra that you see on games sites that are yet to implement their new ads deal. It was for free-to-play MMO, Rohan, which boasts that it is a “mature game”. Intrigued by what this might mean I clicked. It doesn’t, as it turns out, mean it features characters facing up to the fact that they need to make a will, investigating ISA options, or replacing the oil in their car before the light comes on. It means bikinis.

But, more importantly, a rap. Oh my goodness yes.

I’m making absolutely no comment about the game, which might be brilliant. Or rubbish. It’s probably one of those two. But what I want the class to focus on at this point is the song that appears on the website, which I’ve helpfully transplanted below. It reminds me of the brilliant times when movies in the 80s would end with a rap about all the things that had just happened in the film. Except this is all modern, in the style of the modern young R&B artists with their fast cars and laid back grooves.

The video is by a young gentleman named K-Natural, a man who must really enjoy his free-to-play boobie-bouncing MMOs. (His other hits include Get That, which in researching this post I saw tick over to 12 views on YouTube. Let’s see that number go up, RPSers. That song is good because he makes it extremely clear at which angle he wears his hat.)

Without any more delay, here is the video:

It’s good, perhaps even refreshing, to see an MMO being promoted by a song that extensively complains about downtime and server issues. Also, K-Natural informs us that playing Rohan keeps him not only off the streets, but also youthful. Which adds a darker tone to his claim that he intends to play the game until he dies.

But this isn’t the only song K-Natural has sung about Rohan! Good heavens, no! There’s this one too! (I’m sad to report this song contains derogatory language about gay people.)

This song appears to be about how he hates a specific guild. He’s clearly a member of TheEmpire, which my research tells me has 59 members. They really don’t like a guild apparently called KOB. The closest I can find is TheKingdom#SY, who have 42 members. And so far there’s no indication that any amongst their numbers has recorded a revenge song. However, if they did I think this story would escalate from Absolutely Brilliant to The Best Thing That’s Ever Happened On The Internet.

I think it’s important to add, as mentioned in the YT blurb by the Rohan peeps, that this game isn’t just bikinis. Oh no:

“BTW – we have other costumes besides bathing suits, but thought this would get your attention.

It’s all for laughs. Have fun and enjoy!”

Currently those signing up to the game will receive a free bikini. A virtual one. It is unlocked with the code: “FREE-SEXY-SWIM-SUIT”

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John Walker

Senior Editor

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and general hero of humanity.

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