Update: TF2 Update Update

Things are afoot in TeamFortress2Land, things of tease and mystery. Firstly there’s a new item: the golden wrench – a Midas weapon for the turning of people into gold – which internet boffins think might just be a clue as to the nature of the next update. But then there’s this TF2 comic, which tells a little tale of an engineer’s life, and unravels more of what seems to be an extra-complex history-explicating backstory for our favoured cartoonish shooter. All this seems ponderful enough… but wait! There are hidden links within the comic. On page four this, and then, within the source code of that page, a link to the obscured signature, here, and a portrait of the family, here. IT IS SOME KIND OF CLUE-BASED PUZZLE EVENT!


  1. Anthony says:

    Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but wasn’t the will initially revealed during the Halloween event?

  2. ANeM says:

    Actually; the “See issue 97” part refers to update 97, the Halloween update found here:
    link to teamfortress.com
    Clicking the name on the grave leads to the will
    As the version of the family portrait found on the original TF2 Wiki (Found here: link to tf2wiki.net) was posted during October 2009, we can draw the conclusion that the will and the picture were originally posted in October and that its appearance in the pumpkinpatch page is not an elaborate retcon to lead us astray

  3. Barton says:

    Sorry to disappoint, but these are all secrets to the Halloween update and have been there since. You can tell, since if you go to the root directory (link to teamfortress.com) it’s the Halloween Update page.

    But there has been some secrets to the Engineer Update; in the most recent update a game file has been added which contains an image of enciphered text. The clue to deciphering it is in the alpha map of the image, but even after doing that there seems to be a lack of useful information in the document. TF2 Forum conspiracy theorists are working around the clock to try and deduce some sort of half baked bullshit about the next update, so stay frosty!

  4. Barton says:

    For those who are interested, here’s the thread that discusses the game file with the image: link to forums.steampowered.com

    Allegedly it can be found in all the updated games, at [root\tf\materials\HUD\d_images_v2.vtf].

  5. Boldoran says:

    Well the golden/ australanium wrench is probably new. It would make sense given the newest comic.

    Link to thread about the image:

    Oh and I like the comic.

  6. Rinox says:

    Yeah, the will and family pic are fairly old. But I love that panel! COUGAR!!

    • dragon_hunter21 says:


      I’m going to find a way to work that into my vocabulary if it kills me.

    • Stu says:

      I saw this the other day, and then seeing COUGAR!! on the front page of RPS set me off giggling all over again.

      KG: If I ever win the lottery I’ll pay you and Jamie any sum of money you like to produce Phonogram 3, on condition that each issue has at least one COUGAR!! panel in it.

  7. Yargh says:

    that cougar inclusion tells me someone has been playing Red Dead Redemption.

    Does this allow us to hope for a Team Fortress 1872 release one day if we are really really good?

  8. Mr. Headcrab says:

    I think i found something….

    on page 13, if you read the note scribbled on the life extending machine’s cover page, there’s something very, very odd, and may be proof that the woman in the photo isn’t an ancestor of the announcer, but the announcer herself

    July 17th 1894(?, curse LCDs and their stupid viewing angles!)
    built for Blutarch Mann

    August 3rd 1894(?)
    built for Redmond Mann

    and, a third entry!

    April 14th ….
    Built for …

    it’s tin foil hat time, boyos

  9. Rantraz says:

    link to teamfortress.com
    then blueprints of robotic arm in Engineer Update Teaser:
    link to tf2wiki.net
    In my opinion, it means that we will have a robot or robot arms or anything like this!

  10. Rantraz says:

    Hey guys we will have a ROBOT! I think like this becouse of:
    link to teamfortress.com
    link to tf2wiki.net
    and in things that Mann Co. are responsible for, there is “RO-BOT”
    link to teamfortress.com

  11. mcnubbins says:

    Australium lol

  12. Dreamhacker says:

    Teehee, Team “Fotress”

  13. Jacques says:

    Am I the only one that read the panel as saying “I like this cougar’s pepper sausage”?

  14. Bloodloss says:

    When’s the RPS TF2 server coming back? :(

  15. 1nightStand says:

    Great. Playing as a spy has already become a chore- you get pissed on, you get to leave a revealing blood trail with that awful shiv and there’s a 99.9% chance of a wrench criting your face… (and I didn’t even mention our primeval nemesis and his blow device of doom)… now I get to be a golden statue. Fun fun fun.

    • 1nightStand says:


      Sorry for the rant and the poor English.
      Had a night shift.

    • Uglycat says:

      You forgot the bits about being killed by random spam while invisible and idiot team mates who immediately follow you round corners once you’ve cloaked, only to have the opposition aim at the cheerful people behind you.

    • DJ Phantoon says:

      My wrench doesn’t ALMOST always crit against Spies, it merely ALWAYS crits against the bad ones.

      The good ones just KILL ME FIRST.

    • Uglycat says:

      Only if the other SG’s aren’t enfiladed and there aren’t 23 other team mates around the engie.

  16. Lukasz says:

    TF started as a simple fun mod to a popular FPS…
    14 years later we have conspiracies, fan theories, hidden secrets, huge backstory which takes years to be revealed…
    Who could have predicted that? Who thought 14 years ago:
    “Hey. I bet in the future there will be a comic about official sequel to the mod where a mustached Australian wrestles a cougar”

  17. Tei says:

    link to en.wikipedia.org
    “If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky, that would be like the splendor of the mighty one.” and “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

    The engineer will built the atomic bomb. And by this, he will become Death, the destroyer of worlds. A message will show on the screen “Enginer thisanddat is building a atomic bomb, STOP HIM, or the game will end in 55 seconds”. Sorta “sudden death” mode.

  18. mensaap says:

    There’s a whole thread about it on the tf2 forums, basicly they suspect that the third machine was build for the king of australia. They also suspect that he’s the person way to the right in the picture (which only shows his arm and leg).

    link to img294.imageshack.us

    Here’s the thread:
    link to forums.steampowered.com

  19. Tf2suks says:

    What sick thing is this …realy vavle pisses me off
    what kind of MIND GAMES you DO to customers FOR FUCKIing louzy update on a kiddens gardens game !!!!!!!You big BABIES!
    Realy now this shit you do is mind games with your customers for what? FOR AN FUCKING UPDATE?
    Jesus…now i know that Valve is the same morons are those grinding all day to make A HAt on this stupid babies game!
    All this shit all this effort just to keep up you sick no life loser on the pc player your stupid games!
    Nah i pass go fuck you re selfs all game companies one day I hope you GET fuck up by your own sick customers you make children dumb and stupidest everyday nerdmakers!

    • stahlwerk says:

      well played, you nearly had me fooled there!

    • safetydank says:

      A for effort, but you forgot to ask for hl2: episode 3!

    • Tom O'Bedlam says:

      obvious troll is obvious

      You forgot to ask if they were going to do a TF2/L4D3 crossover

      oooo spooky. CAPTCHA: TF33

    • 1nightStand says:

      worthy effort though a tad overdone

    • DJ Phantoon says:

      Where once trolling was an art…

      The Halo fankids moved onto the PC to troll people and now it is a dead art.

      No effort nor skill, these kids. So very disappointing!

  20. The Dark One says:

    “I have mounted an epic campaign of leisure against the ravages of time” is the best thing I ever saw.

    • Tom O'Bedlam says:

      Hah! I just put that on my Twitter, best thing I’ve read this week :)

  21. Angel Dust says:

    The more of this stuff I see the more I just want a Saxton Hale game. Come on Valve!

  22. wcaypahwat says:


  23. sfury says:


    Maps of Australium Caches?

    Does that mean there will be LOOT?

    (or does it only serve purpose for the comic and the update – later he found the Australium caches and developed that shiny wrench technology and what-not?)

    • Tom O'Bedlam says:

      Its like the Vault. Inside it’ll turn out to be some Australian Elder God and the Announcer is really a satellite.

  24. -TheO- says:

    I’ve read the comic about the war between soldier and demoman and the one about the engi but can’t found the others nad acculy I’ve read the one about mac are they any more ??

    • Man Raised By Puffins says:

      The WAR!, Engi and Mac updates are the only ones with full-blown comics, but the Spy v Sniper update has a Charles Atlas parody. Plus there are some Saxton Hale comic covers knocking about.

      Love the way the suitably crazed backstory is fleshing out, keep it up handsome moustachioed Valve chaps and lady-people!

  25. Dominic White says:

    Never before has a war-themed hat simulator had such a thrilling and in-depth backstory delivered through the medium of official internet webcomicry.

    Also, that comic was aces. Australia has become the best place in all of the TF2 universe.

  26. Rowboat says:

    Due to (according to Robin Walker) a glitch in the item system, 16 golden wrenches were found by random accounts last night, numbered wrong. Which probably means that the real event they’re for will be happening pretty soon.

  27. Anon says:

    Don’t forget they mentioned trading items eventually!

  28. Lt.Unreal says:

    There are 3 phrases missing in “See issue 97”

  29. TeeJay says:

    I think Valve should start selling comics on Steam.

  30. Bleh says:

    Or the third machine is for the Administrator…

  31. GHudston says:

    If I could marry Valve, I would.

  32. Urthman says:

    Multiplayer deathmatch games traditionally have rich, hilarious backstories. Think of Quake 3, UT 2004, Starsiege: Tribes.

    With this comic, TF2’s backstory is getting almost as good as the one from UT 2004!

  33. LionsPhil says:

    Oh man, that historic lineup.

    I find it kind of interesting that the sentry designs in “present” TF2 are thus indicated to be pretty much exactly the same as the ones of the grandfather-era “historic” TF2 (since you can see them on grandpappy’s wall, it doesn’t seem that Dell modified their appearance).

  34. Premium User Badge

    phuzz says:

    All these comments, and not one mentioning quite how good the art is in these comics, and no-one noticing quite how well drawn the Kicasso gag is.

  35. Church says:

    I was in the server when the first golden wrench dropped. It was pretty incredible everyone in the server went nuts.

    More information on the wrench:
    link to wiki.teamfortress.com

  36. malkav11 says:

    Honestly, at this point I think TF2 has more story than the Half-Life franchise.

  37. db says:

    You are fucking trolling!!!! you shit fucker! all that “hiden links” were stuf from other updates. AND IF A BIG YELLOW SQUARE IS HIDEN YOU ARE A MORON!!!

  38. Varden says:

    Actually no they didnt. they said something about trading in items for other items, but thats called crafting. so same difference. but I think they are doing trading with this update. there is a picture that makes me think so.