Galactic Bartender Episode 2: Last Orders

This week: TWO bartenders on the space station? Double trouble!

The more time I spend with Space Station 13 the more impressed I am, but I’ll save that for a round-up post at a later date. For now, here’s another abstract update on my progress. If you missed it, Episode 1 can be found here. This is the adventures of Galactic Bartender Gengy Patel.

Barman’s log, stardate 40263.1. Dunno where to begin. I’m recording this from the station escape shuttle, and I’m sat beside the four other survivors of the blast. The bar’s been destroyed. I mean, technically the entire station’s been destroyed, but the bar was inside it. Today’s been a right pain in the arse.

I arrived on the station, announced meself to the Head of Personnel and he told me straight up that the station already had a barman. I couldn’t believe it. ‘Can you do anything else?’ he asks.

‘Like what?’ I say.

‘Like…’ and off he goes, checking his console. ‘Like being the station’s doctor?’ he says.

Now, I’m a guy who knows his place. I’m just a humble bartender. That’s me. But this doctoring lark- this “being” a “doctor”. It’s all bollocks, innit? So I tell the Head of Personnel that I’m his man. No danger. ‘Now,’ I say to him. ‘Where’s Medical?’

I had it all worked out. I found this big cabinet of pills in the back, behind the counter. People would show up, I’d have a chat with them and then give them a big bottle of pills. Because that’s all doctors are really selling, innit? Peace of mind. Then your sick fella goes away, with all the positivity and that, and he gets better. “Time heals all wounds”, as they say.

I realised being station’s doctor was just like being a barman. People come in to my establishment, the weight of the world- or rather space itself- on their shoulders, and I slide them over a little bit of attention and a little something to swallow. Hospitals- now they’re really just pubs for people that don’t like pubs.

There was only one problem. I couldn’t open most of the doors and cabinets in Medical, because I still had my old bartender clearance on my ID Card. I ask some sparky fixing a Power Controller on the wall how to get a new one, and he says I can get it from the Head of Personnel. Cor.

There’s a bit of a queue when I get back to Arrivals, though, and it’s here that I bear witness to the stupidest bloody conversation I’ve heard in my life. I’ve attached it here. About half way through the station’s captain, the guvnor himself, shows up. I think he was just doing the rounds.

EVENTUALLY this Benwick fella went off to bother someone else and I got some time with Mr. Fisher. That was when I learned the position of station doctor had also been given away in my absence and I was to be an engineer, which didn’t sound like a bartender at all. All those wires? Nah mate. Musn’t grumble, though. An engineer still outranks the barman, right? So I accepted my new ID Card and went off to find a jumpsuit.

Figured I’d drop in at the station’s bar on the way there, mind. Might as well have a shifty one before work if I wasn’t to be the one serving it.

The barman there, a Mr. Forge, seemed like a nice enough lad, so I thought I’d enlighten him on the finer details of my situation. You know, about how he stole my job and that. It was some time around my third beer (I’d just gotten to the bit about how I probably outranked him) when the meteor collided with the station. A bloody meteor! Good thing I wasn’t on duty or I’d probably be having a hell of a time holding the station together with my new mates down in engineering. I wished them well, though.

Amiably, we continued our chat and I continued my measured drinking. I remember this Mr. Forge repeating all kinds of sinister things about how I ‘Wouldn’t want a bartender as my enemy’ and I remember meself defusing the situation with my trademark wit. Finally the time came for me to leave, which was when I saw Mr. Forge rummaging in a toolbox and began to fear that he was getting ideas. I turned and went running straight into the wall, which presumably was something to do with the meteor messing with the station’s gravity plating.

Adjusting my course I managed to get to the doors, which didn’t open. At first I thought it was because I was holding a bottle of beer in each hand, but after I’d dropped these I found that the doors stayed firmly closed. Maybe the power to them was dead. And then, of all things, a message gets played over the station’s PA system that the station is about to explode and the escape shuttle was leaving in three minutes.

Keeping my cool, I informed my fellow barman that the toolbox probably had something that could get us out of here. At least, that’s what I tried to say. I was getting a bit of a head rush at this point, what with all the keeping cool and the booze and that. Mr. Forge was very obliging and went smashing through the glass frontage of the bar with a crowbar, and disappeared from sight. Right samaritan this guy was.

I was out in the hallway when I realised I had no idea where the escape shuttle was. With a minute on the clock I had to consult a bloody map, only making it into the shuttle in the nick of time. That never happens in the holo-movies.

God, I’ve had it up to here with this galactic bartending business. What will happen to me next?


  1. IAMJETHRO says:

    You will probably be turned into a monkey.

  2. Mad Doc MacRae says:

    That was hysterical, can’t wait for the next installment!

    • Nova says:

      Agreed, funny series.

    • discordance says:

      Try playing the game itself, by the sounds of it Quinns isn’t even close to getting full lols out of it. I can’t even relate the amount of anecdotes I have from this game, almost every round something new and amusing happens.

  3. Snall says:

    I tried a couple things but find it damn hard to figure out…and I play DF damnit…maybe it’s because I was on Goon worlds…

  4. Geekner says:

    Once, when I was playing as a Research Director. The Research Director has access to the chemistry department and a very fancy machine. That machine can take any liquid and turn it into a pill. I borrowed a keg from the barman and proceeded to make a box full of compressed beer pills. I spent the next 15 minutes stumbling around the station, handing out pills, before an emergency forced the shuttle to be called.

    I barely stumbled back in time to catch it, and proceeded to help the survivors drown their sorrows with my wonderful Beer Pills(TM).

  5. Snall says:

    ….I once got forced to eat crap by a monkey man….

  6. EER says:

    Am I the only one that misread ‘barman’ as saying ‘batman’?

  7. Unaco says:

    I’ve been playing this a little… It can actually be a whole load of fun… as long as there’s not too much ass-hattery going on. Some is definitely required… but a whole station of ToolBox wielding fanatics is just painful to play on.

    Luckily for me, I always seem to get to play the AI. I’m slowly learning how to help, and harm, everyone in insidious ways. I just wish people would give me good law updates (instead of being a cat, or the gayest gay-I out there).

    Also… I’m not going to mention John Truck.

  8. Bret says:

    I thought Doctors worked with nurses and fought salt shakers.

    Has television lied to me again?

  9. Guhndahb says:

    Chem is priceless – his role must be reprised. That was the funniest conversation I’ve read in a very long time. And so very, very stupid.

  10. Pani says:

    I was playing with a Chem earlier today, was it you?

    In one round, he got knocked out by a cloaked traitor and I was flushed down the garbage disposal and on another, he was a very helpful quartermaster. I was playing as a security guard called Fenton Haynes.

  11. Jochen Scheisse says:

    The longer you play, the more impressed you get. Wait til you’re stealing your EVA&Jetpack on a goon station, and go to the derelict station for the first time. Wait til you realize how to repair defunct teleporters in nowhere to travel between Z levels. Wait til you meet your first co-player on another Z level, feels like a fucking secret handshake.

    And I still don’t understand most scientific jobs yet. Next thing will be bomb building or Chemistry. Which is also bomb building.

  12. Hunter says:

    If it is anything like my experience you will be beaten to death with a toolbox by a clown then dragged to the roboticist, turned into a cyborg and be made into a cyborg. Afterward a delightful space entity will come by, ravage the station, and shoot you off into space where you will find yourself stranded on an abandoned space station full of zombies.

  13. Schaulustiger says:

    Brilliant read! Keep’em coming!

  14. Will says:

    Saying this game has a steep learning curve is a massive understatement. A fellow quartermaster in a goon server asked me if I knew what I was doing – I said I’m still learning and so he knocked me out, fixed me to a table, took my ID and then somehow took me halfway across the map (maybe an admin?) and dumped me in a tunnel. I hate 4chan but sometimes goons are even worse.

  15. BooleanBob says:

    This… is the Citizen Cane of videogames.

  16. Peter Radiator Full Pig says:

    Oh fuck, i just cracked up laughing at the comments alone.
    I couldnt breath properly for a while.
    Im defiantly getting into this.

  17. disperse says:

    A couple anecdotes:

    My first game of Space Station 13 there was no air in Arrivals and I succumbed quickly to asphyxiation. I was dragged to genetics by a Space Suited scientist who shoved me in a pod and cloned me. However, the process gave me Tourette’s and I began cursing and shaking uncontrollably. The Geneticist took out a syringe which he said would either cure or kill me. When injected, I turned into a Monkey and a second syringe turned me into a completely different person. I may have been imagining it but I think one eye was bigger than the other.

    Another time I played as the Chaplain. A crew member committed suicide so I held a service at the Chapel and we ejected his coffin into space. Afterward I announced publicly that the crew could come and take confessions in my office if they were feeling stressed or blue. A crew member visited me and began acting strangely. When I asked him to remove his gas mask he hit me over the head with an oxygen tank and threw me through the Chapel windows into deep space. Turns out he was the Traitor. I died within the first five minutes and spent the rest of the round observing but still had tons of fun.

  18. Mortcinder says:

    Funniest time I ever had on the goon servers was one of the many times the singularity (like a small black hole that powers the station) escaped containment and started to eat through the station. Someone tried to bomb the singularity (apparently it destroys it) but failed miserably when both guy and bomb were absorbed by it, I could see him launch itself at it at the scream of “REMEMBER MEEEE” and then turn into a mass of gibbs flying around.
    I had started the round as Quartermaster and since the singularity got out pretty quickly and everybody was panicking, I figured nobody would order anything and just placed an order for a wizard’s costume and spend the whole round running around dressed as a Space Wizard.
    Someone eventually called the shuttle but it was too late: By the time it arrived there barely was anything left of the station and the singularity proceded to devour the escape shuttle with everyone in it, half a minute before it departed. The captain had a spacesuit and jetpack and observed everything from space, from the holes in the shuttle. Everyone running away from the singularity, cornered against the shuttle’s walls, screaming like crazy through the radio, literally made me laugh out loud.

  19. BlargityBlarg says:

    I was Heinrich Beran, and the traitor. I welded y’all in there. I would have beaten you to death in the hall, but you didn’t seem a particularly vital member of the crew.

  20. hmm says:

    For my first game, I played as a clown. The friendly barman offered me some vodka, which I proceeded to drink too much of. After staggering around honking my horn at the horde of space pigs which had suddenly materialized, I followed him down the hall and into a back room. Suddenly, the lights went off, and the friendly barman wasn’t so friendly…he demanded that I make him laugh at shotgun point, but I stabbed him with my banana instead. Moral of the story? Shotgun beats banana.

  21. Jesus says:

    Is there a EU server for SS13?

    • Abi79 says:

      I am from Eastern Europe, and Baystation12, byond:// , is much less laggy for me than the Goons’ servers. Baystation12 is the server Quinns played on, actually.

    • discordance says:

      The problem with baystation is the enforced roleplaying is actually quite boring. From time to time I perform my actual stations duties, or at least half ass them, but most of the fun in the game comes from being naughty and evading security, and on a full station the odds of being a traitor are fairly low, I don’t think a small element of criminality onboard is too detrimental to roleplaying it gives security something to do, although idiots breaking the engine or blowing up toxins gets old. Things can get a bit wild on the goon servers with the admins not being much help but the freedom to choose to mess about or not, some excellent security to work against, and the best developers of the game (There are a lot of extensions you only see on the goon servers, its ashame other servers can’t or don’t make use of their code) make them the best servers.

  22. orangedragon10 says:

    I would love this game if there wasn’t always so much dang annoying lag.

    • disperse says:


      As far as I can tell, the lag is due to a naive implementation of client-server communication. Every client-side command has to travel to the server, be processed, and then the results returned to the client before they are displayed.

      That and bombs, meteor showers, and escaped singularities seem to require a lot of server-side processor time.

  23. milkman1 says:

    This is most awesome game i have played in a while. I was playing as a clown and stumpled to medbay where doctor knocked me out. When i woke up there was clown head on the operation table and i had turned into cleaning robot.

  24. Mortcinder says:

    Speaking of turning into a robot, I once started the round in some lame-ass job like space lawyer or something, and someone on the radio asked for volunteers for robotization. So of course I went to the roboticist’s room and said I wanted to become a cyborg.
    There was no constructed robot frame, wich made me wander. After taking my brain out he pulled one he had hidden in the waste disposal chute, a hacked cyborg frame (“emagged” actually, wich means it didnt have to follow the rules of the AI), put my brain in it and when I came online simply said: “Kill “. He was the traitor and I fell for his trap like a moth was drawn to fire, and now was forced to hunt his target.
    I failed in killing the guy, but the fact that such a situation can happen in a game is simply amazing.

  25. McDuckman says:

    I was just killed and made into a burger by the Demon Chef of Space Station 13.

    • discordance says:

      I think my record is about 6 crew members made into burgers :D, alive. No need to kill them before starting the process. My best burgering though was being a revolution leader and I flashed all of medbay and engineering but then accidentally flashed the research director (one of the targets of the revolution). So I dragged him off to the kitchen. I was captured shortly after i’d been fairly stupid in my flashing but most of the station were revolutionaries by that point and the captain was informed over the radio to check my corpse for a present from the revolution, :D I’d kept the research director burgers in my pack.

  26. MrFake says:

    Baystation 12 gets far more play time per round than any goon server. That’s probably because they’re strict RP, which also makes things far more hilarious.

    I took some time off from engineering once to visit a Chaplain’s sermon on Black Jesus. The guy was really good, and I played along even as meteors started hammering the station. He was really building the mood, shouting that I was a sinner and all that. The climax was the best: just as he shouted “CONFESS YOUR SINS! REPENT!” a meteor slammed into the chapel and launched me out into space. I spent my dying moments repenting over the radio.