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Get Your Privates Patched

Penis penis penis vagina.

Zombie Cow have released a big old update to Privates. What I’m trying to say is, they looked at their Privates, and they realised they weren’t good enough. The primary problems with their Privates were their being covered in bugs, often finishing long before the person playing with them was ready, and not being able to perform with many potential partners.

What I’m doing here is I’m conflating “Privates”, the game about battling STIs in the human body, with “privates”, a colloquialism for human genitals. In doing so, I’ve given the impression that the game having bugs, crashing, and not being compatible with some systems, are in fact problems with the penises of those working at Zombie Cow. I did this with the intention of humour. It’s my way of letting you know the game’s been patched.

There are still issues, as my own crash just now will attest. However, fear not, because the sleepless team are being proactive in response. Now, if the game crashes, you’ll receive an option to get the error report. Copy the contents (because as soon as you let the game crash completely, that little Notepad window will disappear too) and then post them on the Zombie Cow forum.

And rather generously, they’re bribing you to do this.

“UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEKEND: if you take the time to pop a problem in the comments below, make sure you fill in a valid email address, and I’ll send you a link to a free version of every single game in Zombie Cow Studios’ back catalogue by way of a thank you, even the one that’s already free.”

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Who am I?

John Walker


Once one of the original co-founders of Rock Paper Shotgun, they killed me out of jealousy. I now run

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