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An Anonymous Email Arrives From Valve

Murkier and murkier.

You may have heard the recent fuss about yet another whistleblowing blog, this time about Valve and IceFrog, regarding the Dota 2 project. With our own problems, we really do try to avoid reporting this sort of arse-blowing nonsense.

But I just received an email from a source, who wishes to remain anonymous, from inside Valve. I really swear I’m not making that up. I’m reproducing it, in full, below. (I think this might also count as the world exclusive reveal of their next game, Fart Cops.)

I am also an employee at Valve. After reading the brave, true, anonymously posted statements by a fellow Valve employee, I felt compelled to share my own, because Valve is a place in Bellevue, WA where I also work. I’m sure right now you are thinking, “How do I know you are really from Valve?” Click here for proof. How do I know you just clicked on that link? Because I work at Valve and I’m looking at the tape of you clicking on that link right now.
Not convinced? Proving my employment at Valve is so easy, you can replicate it yourself at home.

1. Search for “Valve” on Google.
2. The first result is for Valvesoftware.com. Do nothing.
3. Click it.
4. Scroll up to the top left section of the page.
5. Look closely at the logo.
6. Notice the small “e” in the logo.
7. That was my idea.

Voila. Or in the words of Emeril Legasse, “BAM!” Here is proof that “BAM!” is Emeril Legasse’s catchphrase.

1. Go to wikipedia.org. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
2. Look up “Emeril Legasse” in the search field.
3. Notice something interesting about the first paragraph?
4. That something is PROOF.
5. Bam.

Now that I’ve established who I am and the lengths I’m willing to go to “kick it up a notch” (See Proof #2, above), I want to tell you the real truth. I work on an unrelated project from IceFrog called “Fart Cops.” Now, if you read this blogspot post about IceFrog, you’re probably asking yourself, “Hold on now. Do the police patrol FOR farts, or do they fight crime WITH farts?” Let me just tell you that you will find out the terrifying truth in 2014. Or you would have, if not for IceFrog.

Ever since IceFrog joined Valve he has been poisonous to my “Fart Cops” project. All of the slowly mounting enthusiasm I am convinced I had been building around “Fart Cops” immediately went away once IceFrog and DOTA showed up. He has so far proved incredibly hard to work with on “Fart Cops” and is absolutely impossible to talk to about abandoning his stupid project to work fulltime on mine. This is not just my opinion. Everybody knows that IceFrog refuses to work on “Fart Cops.” Much like society in a dystopian future hates farts. IceFrog’s made me so angry that I just accidentally ruined the twist ending to my own game. Also, IceFrog removed my Backspace key. (This has been controversial and everybody knows this.)

Now I will provide proof.

1. Go to wikipedia.org.
2. Misspell “Emerel Lagasse” in the search field.
3. Try to hit “Backspace”.
4. If you’re on my computer, YOU CAN’T.

Those of you not in the game industry like I am might not see how important all of this is. Imagine my game idea (“Fart Cops”) was an Arby’s, my Backspace key was a Jamba Juice, and IceFrog is still IceFrog, and HE SMASHES BOTH RESTAURANTS. He would be in jail if he did that! But the rules of metaphor are different and unfair, like being imprisoned for fart crime. Only you can help me change that. Write Gabe Newell and tell him you are willing to pay $59.99 for “Fart Cops”. He said earlier that if ten thousand people “were stupid enough” to write him asking for it, he’d make it. Then he laughed and went out for lunch with IceFrog.

EDIT: I have some new information to give you, based on things I already knew but forgot, but that a GameInformer article just reminded me that I knew. Erik Johnson (or as he’s known around the Valve offices in Bellevue, WA, “Erik”) is another person that I know at Valve where I work.

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John Walker

Senior Editor

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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