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Cardboard Children: 2010 Plan

Thought I would write down a list of things I want to do in my weekly column for RPS in 2010. I really need to get on top of things a bit more. BE ORGANISED. Just off the top of my head I’ll fire down what I want and need to do this yea

1. Boast about my Deathwatch Collector’s Edition. Well, not boast about it. That would make me look terrible. But I certainly need to cover the Deathwatch RPG, paying particular attention to how well it captures that whole “being a Space Marine” thing. Of course, while covering Deathwatch I can also post photos of my Deathwatch Collector’s Edition. And boast about it. Bingo. This should be the first thing I cover when I start the normal columns next week. I need to step up RPG coverage across the board in 2010 – should be easy enough with the D&D adventures I’ll be running and my big Warhammer 40K RPG campaign. NOTE: REMEMBER TO BOAST ABOUT DEATHWATCH COLLECTOR’S EDITION.

2. REVIEW MORE GAMES – There’s so much stuff I want to talk about this year. Conflict of Heroes. Battles of Westeros. Campaign Manager 2008. Survive! Talisman. And most of these are games from last year! I need to clear the decks a bit so that I can prepare for the big games that are coming in 2010! Things like Mansions of Madness, Labyrinth, and those twenty Eurogames about moving wooden blocks around an abstract map of some African country.

3. BE ORGANISED! I can’t spend the whole of 2010 being all over the place. I’ve made a good start, I’ve got my head on straight, KEEP IT UP ROBERT!

4. MAKE SOME VIDEOS – Robert, you’ve been thinking about making some of your DowntimeTown videos for the RPS column for a while now. This year is the year to do it. Finish that zombie special you started! People need to know what the best zombie board game is. People just need to know that! And it’s not the one they’d expect. TELL THEM. Anyway, get the camera back out. 2010 is the year!

5. FURTHER THE BOARD GAME MESSAGE/MAKE BOARD GAMES COOL – Okay, man. You are Kanye West. Okay? You are Yeezy. So, you love board games and playing RPGs. If you’re Yeezy, you should be able to make board gaming cool. How do you do this? You’re preaching to the converted here at RPS. NOTE: THE READERS OF RPS ARE UNCOOL – NEVER LET THEM SEE THIS DOCUMENT! You can do this. You, and only you, can make tabletop gaming cool. You are amazing. You are an amazing human being. Robert, you are amazing. So you can work this one out. HOW DO YOU MAKE BOARD GAMING COOL? Okay, thanks Robert, you’re amazing too. I KNOW I AM. Well, here’s my idea. I’m going to start a board game night in Glasgow. THAT SOUNDS SHIT. No, Robert, bear with me. I do a board game night, but in a bar or something. A cool bar or something. OH RIGHT AND MAKE IT OPEN INVITATION THING? No, make it a really horrible invitation only VIP thing. Have only the movers and the shakers there. Glamour. All the celebrities. THIS SOUNDS DISGUSTING. No, wait, but then I can take photos of cool people enjoying board games! Musicians and models and comedians and- WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME? This was your idea! What are you talking about? Are you trying to say it won’t help board gaming if you see photos of pop stars playing Agricola? YOU HAVE BETRAYED US, ROBERT! But it worked for the Playstation! Remember? When they pushed videogames to the punters by installing them in nightclubs and showing us photos of attractive people playing Wipeout? BUT THOSE PEOPLE WERE ARSEHOLES! I’m an arsehole! I KNOW YOU ARE! Look, I want 2010 to be remembered as the year that I became the Kanye West of the ten-sided dice. YOU’RE A MONSTER! I’m a mother****ing monster!

6. GO TO THE DOCTOR – I really need to go to the doctor this year and maybe get a mental health assessment arranged.

7. GO RETRO – Some people reading the RPS column will simply not be the type of person who will go out and buy a fifty quid board game. REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A PC GAMERS’ WEBSITE. PC gamers are all pirates, and don’t even pay for the PC games that they love. I mean, they talk all the big talk about how amazing PC games are, but they stand by while the PC games market dies on its arse. Even the ones who say they love PC indie games only like them because they are either cheap or free. So, for those people, you need to go retro more often. Talk about games that they might have played in the past. That means it’s time to do your big piece on HeroQuest and Space Marine.

8. DO THAT ZOMBIE SPECIAL – I need to remind you again. Do the Zombie special, and do it on video. Look, you like to see your own face, and you like to hear your own voice. You’ve been modest enough. Time to get DowntimeTown back up and running. Maybe you could even shoot some stuff at your special VIP boardgame nights in Glasgow. You could capture all that glamour on video. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GOING THROUGH WITH THIS! Look, sex sells! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH IT? I don’t know. I don’t know.

9. MAKE A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT!!!!!

10. ADVANCE YOUR BOARD GAME DESIGN – It’s time to get your board game design back on the table. There will surely be people out there who would be happy to playtest the prototype. Supply & Die is exactly the kind of thing you want to play, so PLAY IT! Involve the readers of the column in the thing too. Try to encourage design from the people on the site. Maybe set up a playtest ring. I’ll play with yours if you play with mine. Get the wargame idea out there too. Explain your reasons for doing that wargame.
11. ANSWER MORE OF THE COMMENTS – Last year you talked and talked about having a “conversation” on the comments section of the column. In 2010 could you maybe TAKE PART IN THAT CONVERSATION?? You really are a fucking blowhard. Get a grip.

12. I HATE MYSELF.

13. INTERVIEWS – You will be doing interviews this year. Interviewing board game designers. RPGers. Proper journalism. You will gain access to Games Workshop, and interview them. You will put THOSE questions to them. You know the ones. ASK THEM.

14. SHARE HEALER WITH PEOPLE – Todd Rundgren’s Healing literally saved you when you had a mental health crisis. Despite it being unsuitable for the column, remind people that music can help you when you are troubled. It can haul you out. Share Healer.

15. DO THAT DOCTOR’S SPECIAL – You wanted to have that VIP zombie night, so DO IT. You want to make mental health cool, so try to invite some real movers and shakers along, and maybe you could film it all! TRY TO ADVANCE THE DOCTOR’S MESSAGE! I’m sure plenty of other patients would be happy to playtest it with you! Boast about your Suicide Watch Collector’s Edition! TAKE PHOTOS OF IT SEX SELLS!

16. Help

17. Help me

18. SEVENTEEN?

19. Eighteen

20. Help

21. 2010 will be your year, Robert. You can do this. ONWARDS! 2010!

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Robert Florence

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