Foot That Ball! New Star Soccer 5 Trailer

Don't foot this one. It's on a screen.

As Britain’s leading expert on foot-to-ball, I find the irreverence of games like New Star Soccer 5 to be deeply offensive toward “the lovely game”. How can someone watch something as astounding, as gorgeous, as sexually profound, as last week’s round of foot-to-balling between the United Rovers and West Byfleet Consolidated not be moved to tears? New Star Games’ new trailer for their latest simulation contains slight hints of not taking this most important of matters nearly seriously enough.

Soccer, for those who haven’t heard of it, is an abbreviation of Socrates’ Prancer, the original name for what has now become known as Association Foot-to-ball. The aim of the game is to kick the “ball” at the other players’ “net”, hoping to score a point. The first team to three points wins, and gets through to the final on Tuesday.

You may have heard about soccer when it was brought to the headlines by the recent scuffle between fans of the team in red and the team in blue, in an extended argument over which team is better at the game. In the end it was decided that the blues were better, but the reds were very close and tried hard. As for when the next soccer will take place, no one currently knows, but keep an eye on RPS’s Sports pages for the latest.

In the meantime, have a look at the (utterly brilliant – Out Of Character Ed) trailer for New Star Soccer 5. It contains grass and goals.


  1. Jonathan says:

    Are those blood stains on the pitch at 0:52? And if not, why not?

  2. Doesntmeananything says:

    The game kicked-off quite well with this trailer.

  3. Sobric says:

    + FAME!

  4. DeanLearner says:

    Yes..yes…yes..yes..YEEEESSS SS! That was a goal!

    TWAT! That was liquid football!

  5. bigtoeohno says:

    “The nineties call they want their ball back.” Does it work the other way? I called the nineties I want my fitness back.

  6. AndrewC says:

    Oh dear. Oh dear. The cameras look like ladies giving blowjobs to the camera men. Oh dear.

  7. Anarki says:

    That trailer really hit the back of the net

  8. Mr_Hands says:

    Drunken soccer is the only soccer I know.

  9. Man Raised by Puffins says:

    Soccer, for those who haven’t heard of it, is an abbreviation of Socrates’ Prancer, the original name for what has now become known as Association Foot-to-ball.

    And what a game it was.

  10. Navagon says:

    If nothing else this does remind me of how much we need a proper Speedball 2 remake.

  11. Giant, fussy whingebag says:

    But how could they have possibly accounted for the complexity of the off-side rule within an International Business Machines-compatible Personal Microcomputer?

    • HopperUK says:

      I’m afraid I couldn’t understand this post because I am a girl.

  12. Brumisator says:

    All jokes aside…this looks like a terrible game. “LOL U CAN DRINK AND BALL” is all I see here…

    If I want good pixellated foot-to-ball, I’ll play sensible soccer.

  13. terry says:

    I fully endorse this product or service. I’ve been playing the series since 3 and they consistently improve.

  14. Teronfel says:

    Yeah ok,gambling and booze are ok,but what about hookers,will we have hookers,i want hookers

    • McDan says:

      Once hookers are included we will truly have reached the pinnacle of all games. Which is why they can’t make it.

    • BAReFOOt says:

      Let me be the first to say: Duke Nukem crossover? :D

  15. MadTinkerer says:

    Oh boy, it looks like they made this game with proper VGA graphics and everything! No more crappy EGA palette for my Foot to Ball games!

  16. dan. says:

    The alt text made me laugh more than it should have.

  17. Temple to Tei says:

    Comments on Tom’s Football Manger thread for another lesser website:

    “Its a stupid game. I captured all four flags and got kicked out.”

    “my team assassinated the enemy VIP, and were unfortunately also kicked out”

    “Shocking display. Not only have they released it with only one map, theyve paid no attention to balancing. In campaign mode, four of the races are vastly overpowered. “

  18. Mr Bismarck says:

    I played from burgeoning youth to crippled retiree in NSSIII and retired with somewhere around 14,000 hang gliders. Not counting the several hundred I bought for my girlfriend. To woo her.

    I will not purchase this game if it does not have hang gliders.

  19. PleasingFungus says:

    Misread that as “grass and goats” initially. Now I’m just kind of sad.

  20. dogsolitude_uk says:

    Not only do West Byfleet have one of the top Foot-to-ball teams in the world, they also have a large branch of Waitrose that I used to work in, and that pub opposite the station I used to go to: the Claremont.
    Truly it is the cutting edge of the cutting edge, and I’m proud to have once lived there.

  21. Om says:

    If I can’t re-enact stories like this (link to then I’m not buying this game. And yes, the story is exactly what the link suggests

    On a slightly more serious note, why should I buy this instead of playing SWOS on an emulator? Is it worth my hard earned cash?

  22. sidhellfire says:

    I miss only a multiplayer in this. Since Netsoccer got abandoned, there’s no real, good arcade football game.

  23. Gaytard Fondue says:

    While I enjoy foot-to-ball, I’ll have to admit that I prefer foot-the-ball. Blasphemy, I know.

  24. Faldrath says:

    For the people asking “why not just play Sensible Soccer”: while New Star Soccer’s gameplay is indeed fairly similar to SS, it’s actually a football RPG. You can play exhibition matches controlling a whole team, but in the career mode you only control one player, developing his skills through training, managing contracts, media relationship, also off-game stuff like family and friends, buying things with the money you make, etc.

    • Mr Bismarck says:

      buying things with the money you make

      Things like hang gliders.