Chess Receives v1.01 Patch

They were clean-shaven when they started playing

The inventor of Chess, Mr. Wilbert Chess, today announced to a room full of chess enthusiasts that the classic game has received its very first patch. The changelog is as follows:

* Pawns may now move diagonally backwards in order to capture pieces

Rumours abound that Mr. Chess implemented the patch mid-game, and in doing so was able to unexpectedly capture the queen of Russian chess master Sergey Urusov. Despite taking his opponent by surprise (spectators report that the move caused Urusov to stare silently at Mr. Chess for a full forty-two minutes), it is said that Mr. Chess yet went on to lose the game anyway. More on this controversial turn of events as we hear it.

It’s been a slow week for video games.


  1. Teddy Leach says:

    The bounder! Next he shall make that silly ‘en passant’ rule official.

    • Chris D says:

      I remember the first and only time the en passant rule actually came up in a game. I suspected it might be something of a difficulty, given what I new of my opponent, so I checked the copy of the rules included with the set we were using and sure enough the rule was right there. That didn’t help at all. My opponent refused to believe it was actually a rule, despite it being there in the rulebook. I’m not sure pieces were actually scattered across the floor but metaphorically they certainly were. We never finished the game, or played again I think.

      True story, which normally I wouldn’t bother to add, but probably worthy saying today.

    • Mr_Hands says:

      I feel it is my contractual obligation to take someone’s pawn en passant, regardless of whether it’s a “good” move or not.

    • jonfitt says:

      It’s like when you finally complete that mega project in Sup Com or another RTS. It might not be the best move, but I just have to use it immediately when given the chance.

  2. HermitUK says:

    This is disappointing. While the humble pawn may have received a useful new ability, the piece was always effective in the hands of a skilled player anyway. Far more concerning is that this patch does little to address the strength of the Queen. The only hard counter to this piece lies with the Knight, which simply isn’t enough.

    • Joshua says:

      I think it is fairly well balanced, actually. The queen is only one unit, and although it is really powerfull, if you manage to snag it the enemy line can be crumbled.

    • steviesteveo says:

      It also helps that the two factions share the same tech tree.

    • Temple to Tei says:

      Precisely! The pieces are simply re-skinned assets! Another sentence so I do not finish on an exclamation point as I have learnt this is bad form since our time travel to 1873.

  3. Daiv says:

    I can confirm that they haven’t fixed the “castling” exploit. The game was never intended to allow two pieces to move in the same turn!

    They’re bowing to pressure from the B-sports (board-sports) industry. The Koreans would abandon the game instantly if you took out what they consider to be such an integral part of the gameplay.

    • jon_hill987 says:

      I expect this glitch will be added to similar games in the future and considered a feature.

    • Fwiffo says:

      I should be not so surprised that the callous and Unsportsmanlike act be given recognition by Mr. Chess in time.

  4. Xocrates says:

    I’m disappointed that he continues to ignore the issue of the clearly overpowered queens.

  5. Dinger says:

    And ’tis well-nigh. The 1.0 revision, wherein the pawn’s lowly state was further humbled to nought but chiffon, sent many a one to a choleric fit. Such a corrective is most welcome in my parlour-room.

  6. AndrewC says:

    My chess is still stuck in monochromatic mode. One can only expect this to be fixed in patch 1.2?

    Also the seats in the lobby are uncomfortable.

  7. Namos says:

    This rule is imbalanced, I say! The knave!

    I have heard rumor of an expansion to the game, adding clocks that limit the time alloted for each turn! Chess will become a game of manual dexterity and reflexes rather than deep, calculated strategy. For shame.

    • Malibu Stacey says:

      I disagree most strongly with you sir! Anyone of sound mind and body can clearly see this new rule is not “overpowered” as you so uncouthly put it. It gives the pawn a significant boost in terms of it’s utility to those learned gentlemen whom play the game of Chess at the grandmaster or higher level. If you disagree with this notion I believe that your skill in the game of Chess is at such a low level it makes your opinion hold no value what so ever or your knowledge of the rules of Chess is insufficient for you to enjoy the game in the same manner as other more cultured members of society.
      Kindly retract your statement until you can show evidence to the contrary and we shall discuss this matter no further.

    • dogsolitude_uk says:


      I am in complete agreement with you viz. the matter of clocks.

      Introducing such a mechanism would reduce the game to a mere sequence of quick time events, and worse still, some players may be tempted to play an entire game within fifteen minutes or less.

      Kind regards,


  8. Wang Tang says:

    Chess is a wonderful time-passing activity. But I never had much sympathy for Mr. Wilbert Chess, and now I completely lost my faith.
    To all you gentlemen saying “but it’s free, stop complaining about a game being updated”:
    This so called “patch” just ruins the game. I think I won’t be playing chess anymore until this gets fixed again. Alas, I’m off for some game of draughts.

    And also I blame the cardgame players, since this dumbing down of gameplay surely finds their approval, which is why it was implemented, I’m quite sure of that.

    • sinister agent says:

      A word of caution – I must recommend that you back up your draughts board, as rumours abound that draughts will be also be patched in a bid to ‘keep up’. Word has it that king pieces will be granted points for each capture, and allowed to improve their powers even further with enough points.

      Most disappointing.

  9. Chanter says:

    There’s a problem with my pawns, they never level up…

    • Gap Gen says:

      It is indeed vexing that the pawn may gain ideas above his station should he reach the other end of the board. Such Marxist agitation is most unwelcome in the sport of kings.

    • dogsolitude_uk says:


      One’s Pawn can only level up after passing through all the ranks to the opposite side of the board, at which point one can choose the future role of said pawn.

      It is usually considered advantageous to promote one’s Pawn to a Queen, but there are circumstances under which promoting to a lesser piece, such as a Knight, may be preferable.

      Kind regards,


  10. Gap Gen says:

    Would that they would introduce beds into this version, such that I might pass longer games without being consumed by skeletons and the walking deceased.

  11. Sleepymatt says:

    Nothing surprises me in relation to this developer, he has a very chequered history.

    • DigitalSignalX says:

      I daresay, that comment made me double jump.

    • Lambchops says:

      In response to Mr Sleepymatt

      I’ve heard rumours that it’s not that black and white but they appear so far to be unfounded.

    • sinister agent says:

      I don’t wish to speak out of turn, but these comments really ought to be kept in check.

  12. Meneth says:

    Kings are clearly underpowered. They can barely move, and if killed you lose instantly.

    • Malibu Stacey says:

      I believe you are not familiar with the privilege afforded to a King during the game of chess. One does not simply “kill” a King for it is from such trivial actions that thoughts of regicide bear fruit as practiced by the uncouth French. A King is always given the opportunity to fall upon his own sword so that he may be stood down with his honour intact.

      To talk of “killing” Kings is high treason within civilized lands such as the British Empire & one can only hope you are escorted to the Tower in short order!

    • Ubik2000 says:

      Agreed. This shows a clear bias towards heterosexual male chess players.

    • cjlr says:

      You protest too much, Malibu Stacey.

      Charles I.

    • Makariel says:

      Kings should get AE damage. That would make the endgame more interesting. Not only in high level games where the APH are above 150.

  13. Longrat says:

    Rooks are overpowered. I think it’s about time someone lowered their skills and upgraded knights!

  14. Daiv says:

    When are they going to introduce the third faction?

    And I know they say it’s multiplayer focused, but I was at least hoping for a single-player campaign even if it’s just a glorified tutorial.

    • Xocrates says:

      I hope not before they fix the balance of the current ones.

      I mean, white goes first? This shows a clear preference by Mr. Chess for the white side, and breaks the competitive balance of the game.

    • Namos says:

      Has sir not heard of the Mechanical Turk mod?

    • Malibu Stacey says:

      I have been led to believe that Mr Chess intends to allow one to purchase the third faction and also the extra rules which allow one to play alone at a later date. You may wish to apply for early access to these works if you are sufficiently interested as I believe he is asking for learned colleagues to assist him in testing these additions so that they are more finely tuned for the discerning gentleman when finally made available for public consumption.
      However I do not approve of the charges he intends to levy upon anyone wishing to use these new rules even if one has already purchased the game of Chess. Thankfully there are rumours of a “Goatee” edition of Chess being released sometime in the future which encompass all these rule additions so that one may own the complete works for a much more palatable sum. One can only hope these rumours bear fruit.

    • Daiv says:

      My esteemed Namos, the Mechanical Turk mod is admirable, but I shouldn’t have to turn to a third party to fix a game that was clearly released in an incomplete state. Furthermore, I do not have sufficient width of band to load it down.*

      *Because my country home is situated somewhat below the level of the King’s highway, and deliveries are conveyed to the butler’s pantry on a downward-sloped “broad band” of rubber stretched over an ingenious contraption I intend to patent as a “belt of conveyance”.

  15. Wilson says:

    When I first looked at this article, I thought it had 1873 comments…

  16. BaronWR says:

    Ahem. Surely the key unaddressed issue is that white is overpowered.

    Also, you cannot change the resolution! When will they realise that 8×8 is totally insufficient for the modern games-player?

    I, for one, will not be playing any more games by “Mr Chess” until a personal apology is delivered to my club in London.

    • jaheira says:

      I would venture to suggest good sir, that white is closer to an even keel that might at first be surmised. Chess is a game of information, and black always sees more of white’s moves than vice versa.

  17. Antlia says:

    Finally. Mr Chess does naught but sits in his lounge, not planning new features, which he previously promised to be added frequently.

    • Fwiffo says:

      Agreed. I do believe he spends all his time on safari in the colonies and attending Society functions of leisure instead of serving his public. This Game has fast declined since it gained attention from the layabout players of mainstream Games.

    • Malibu Stacey says:

      Do you believe it so that due to your singular purchase of one of Mr Chess’ games that it allows you to freely place unreasonable demands upon him to develop further rules for the game? Remember your place sir!
      If Mr Chess wishes to spend his time on safari and attending society functions then surely that should be his priviledge. Unless I am gravely mistaken Mr Chess is not bound by any agreement which requires him to spend any of his time concocting new rules for the game of Chess simply to appease members of the public such as yourself whom feel he has indebted himself to in some manner.

    • Tssha says:

      Good sir, are not the original rules of Chess good enough?! My dear sir, if the unique capabilities of such pieces as pawns, rooks, knights, bishops and queens are not enough to enliven your interest, I dare say that you sir are unsatisfiable. I shall content myself with the existing rules and be glad to pay once for the privilege!

      As for this Draft-Loading Capacitance that is sweeping the gameing industry, I dare say that it can kiss my rump. Good day sir!

      The Honourable Lord T. S. Sha

    • Temple to Tei says:

      It is not even as if it was Mr Chess’ idea originally. Mr Chaturanga from the colonies first came up with the idea.

      Too many Chess articles in this newsheet these days.

  18. TsunamiWombat says:

    Most discourteous of Mr. Chess! And a good showing from Ursurov, despite him being a hirsuite Russian layabout descended from Mongoloids. It just goes to show what good breeding and christian values have introduced into that God forsakenly frozen country, where a Russian can actually best an Englishman at an intellectual endeavor. I myself prefer a rousing game of Hearts.

    Friar John. P. Pepperton

  19. Steven Hutton says:

    If anyone has a PC game in development that needs some coverage it seems like this is the week to e-mail RPS about it. Seriously…

  20. Zaboomafoozarg says:

    Chess wasn’t invented until 1959! This is malarkey, pure and simple. Sensationalist drivel.

  21. vader says:

    I refuse to buy this until Wilbert adds DirectChess 11 as he promised!

  22. Fwiffo says:

    And once again it is a trifling alteration to the format, and not one which was most warranted by the players.

    I do believe Mr. Chess has no intention of correcting longstanding maladies that have beleagured dedicated players of his Game, including the dominance of the Queen in even unskilled players’ hands and the unsatisfactory performance when played in moble form – particularly in an unsteady steam carriage!

    Is it possible that there are any reputable players of alternative competitive Games who may reply to this telegraph? I have been informed by fellow Gentlemen that Draughts and Backgammon are Worthy pastimes with far fewer incidents of knaves and braggards.

    • Malibu Stacey says:

      I have heard that gentlemen in the orient are often found playing a game known as “Go”. Apparently it’s simplistic appearance belies it’s tactical & strategic depth. I have been trying for some time to import a copy of this game with rules translated into English so I may evaluate it for myself however my attempts have thus far been to no avail.

    • droid says:

      I also recommend Go if you can find it, but be warned that the servers are dominated by Koreans with their wild cries of “Kekeke”. Thankfully they have a reputation for very fast play, so defeat comes rather quickly. Best is if you find other interested gentlemen to join you in learning the game.

  23. nuh uh no way says:


  24. Mr Chug says:

    lol pawn is OP now nerf plz

  25. Octaeder says:

    I fear this patch is a direct reaction to the manager of Mr. Chess’ local Postal branch giving him notice of a complete Denial of Distribution Service until an update was made available post haste.

  26. Al Ewing says:

    By Heaven, I shall be silent no more! Why is that blackguard Mr. Chess tinkering with the movement of the pawns while the knights are still ‘clipping’ through other pieces as though they were never there? Not to mention that my game of chess often stalls at the end of a match, leaving neither player able to make a move at all.

    Priorities, Mr. Chess!

  27. Vinsanity says:

    Ugh, it starts with changing the game mechanics. Just wait, we will be drowning in hats in no time.

    • Mr_Hands says:

      I heard in 1.02 all the pre-order bonus hats will drop normally for all players.

  28. Noc says:

    Balderdash. This is just another sign of the progressive casualization of this once-fine game, as its purveyors seek evermore to pander to the knavish, unsophisticated troglodytes who play with cheap hastily painted boards upon pub tables.

    Every change that is made to the game seems intent on “streamlining” it, removing all of the patience and strategy as if it were offal and the rules-makers a butcher. Pawns, advancing to spaces upon their first turn? This “castling” business, where a King and a Rook may simply swap locations because players found the garrisoning process too tedious? And most shameful of all, the “Mad Chess” revision when they have turned the Queen into some manner of champion, akin to Achilles of old! She is a Queen, not some strong, vigorous warrior — they have “buffed” her to a farcical extent, and in the process made a mockery of the game in its entirety, both upsetting the classic strategy and casting off any pretensions of realism the game may have once maintained.

    And even the lower classes whom these butcherings seek to entertain are left lost and confused — not one in a hundred understands how to utilize the “En Passant” mechanic they introduced with the pawn-patch. This fails to surprise me: if they had the capacity of mind to properly grasp the intricacies of the game, they would also possess the requisite patience and cease clamoring for the game to skim forwards over the strategy and leave them with the “interesting” bits wherein they exercise their base pretensions for command and slaughter. But the failure of Chess has become absolute: not only are the old guard, the true players who understand the game fleeing in droves, but the new marks the purveyors seek to recruit are simply finding themselves confused and baffled. The game is being spoil’t for everyone, and I shall not expect it to continue being played more than a year hence.

    . . .

    This is doubly tragic because us players of the Old School are now finding fewer and fewer games to turn. Some games from the Orient are gaining popularity, but they hold little interest to us: not “Go,” which is simply a long, simplified grind with only a single piece to one’s name — yes, we have been told that it becomes more interesting when one plays with the masters, but until then it is simply an exercise in tedium — and not “Shogi,” which seeks to ape the designs of Chess but does so in a vapid and alien way. The idea itself is worth ridicule: one will very often return one’s pieces to the board, giving them a sort of comical, “regenerating army.” Oh, yes, the casual players love it, but there is nothing there for us proper strategists to desire. Where is the game about preserving one’s pieces, about managing one’s resources, when one can simply resurrect their fallen?

    I may not be the first to say so, but I will doubtless not be the last: board games are dying, if they are not yet dead and are simply pondering on in a clumsy, mockery of life because their simplified, “streamlined” mind lacks the capacity to understand its own demise. I for one will mourn, but for the game I knew of old, not the addled monstrosity it has become.

  29. Hrofty says:

    I just remembered good old Chess Public Beta in 1187. There was a funny bug, where you were able to put your king on the rook, by perform casting in the corner of the field. Resulting piece was able to move on any direction any number of squares. They fixed it later tho.

  30. gohemis says:


  31. oatish says:

    OI, i ne’er got much reason to have ‘a go at this bit of wood and board. Me and the mates likes playing “drinkey-fightey” more what cause you drink and then fight.

    I am lower class, too.

    • Daiv says:

      I endorse this ruffian in his acceptance of his limitations. Have a groat, my good man.

    • The Tupper says:

      Indeed! Three cheers for this lumpen fellow, no doubt the earthy type without whom we gentlemen would have trouble finding a Hansome Cab for hire after the hours of darkness.

      Now if someone would kindly call for a steward to have him removed.

  32. CyberBrent says:

    I’ll not play another game until it is optomised for two boards. I spent an extra twenty shillings and I’ll not be insulted by this lack of support.

  33. dogsolitude_uk says:


    Will I have to upgrade my Staunton set to a Jaques of London?

    And will I still be able to use my old annotated games with the new version? Or will the notation take a completely different format?

    I ask because I play a lot of correspondence chess, and am not sure if my opponents have implemented this patch yet; this means that I’m not entirely certain whether or not I should start using it myself now, or wait until everyone else has upgraded.

    Moreover, I have no desire to be completely pawned by an opponent who has already upgraded their game.

    Kind regards,


  34. razorblade79 says:

    Chess: A game of StarCraft, played at hundreds of minutes per move

    Fierce intercollegiate competition, frequent practices and really slow competitors. No, this is not a sport — at least not a traditional one. This is the world of competitive Chess.

    Chess is a popular mediaeval turn-based strategy game released by Mr Chess in 1998 which puts players in command of armies consisting of more than a dozen different units. However, unlike RTS games such as StarCraft, the action is not real time but, as the name of the genre implies, occurs in turns.

    Although the game has a strong following around the world, the game is most popular in Mr Chess’ hometown Chessington, where professional Chess leagues have a following on par with what major sports teams have in the United States, and top professional players are legitimate celebrities.

    “StarCraft has become a timeless game, and I really love StarCraft,” Mr Chess said. “I find that Chess has the same kind of potential where it’s really a timeless game.”

  35. ananachaphobiac says:


    I feel that Mr. Chess has clearly been bought over by those blackguards at the EI company. I’m told they offered him the sum of 50 gold sovereigns and command of his own province in China.

    They have ordered changes aimed at, attracting those barbaric chequers players, who are not interested in the depth of strategy and creative thinking involved in a classic game of chess. Mr. Chess has forgotten about loyal gentlemen such as we, who were already playing chess in it’s original form.

    It is jolly sad, but it seems to be the way that developments are progressing these days.

    I for one will be boycotting this move and will continue to play chess the way it was meant to be played.

  36. Spinoza says:

    definitely malicious gossip has that part of the development is secretly outsourced to India.

  37. Bob says:

    Hmmmpf! Another single player game that looks likely to be more fun in co-op.

  38. M. Jims says:

    Dear fellow chess-enthusiasts,

    Pardon the intrusion of this letter upon your morning, but I would inform you of an opportunity to increment your chess potential through the consideration of our patented CHESS UNGUENT.

    A single application will suffice to improve your piece-moving capabilities four-fold. Prices are most reasonable, and if you are a discerning gentleman who is fond of retaining a shilling this UNGUENT will not disappoint.

    Please visit the following address for information:

    M. Jims et Fils, Chemist
    138 Charing Cross Rd

  39. alh_p says:

    Where’s the DX11 support? I am so OVER chess, what use is my new graphics card?

  40. Rii says:

    This joke has been done before… and better. Sorry.
    See here the wonders of Blizzard Chess: link to

  41. Ninja says:

    Am i the only person that misses the days of beta chess. Back when the queen had a placeholder model, and Knights instead of jumping over enemies, destroyed allies and enemies alike with their L shaped movements.

    Sure, it wasn’t as balanced, but it was a simpler time. Everybody that played it wanted to play it.

  42. alexdulcianu says:

    I was hoping for an expansion pack, the story is worth a follow-up.