Practical (Joke) Uses For The Portal Gun

As if they wouldn't go straight to the showers.

I think it must have crossed the mind of every person who’s played Portal what they’d do if they had a Portal gun. Me, I’d put one portal in Chicago, another in Bath, and then smash the gun so they’d never get removed. Oh, how I yearn for teleportation to the States. But it does seem reasonably obvious that after about, maybe five minutes, we’d all start using them for practical jokes. Take a look at the video below from YouTube SFXers Final Cut King and the VFX Bro.

And that screen of gibberish that flashes up? I don’t have the energy, but if you do, it’s here:

Rt sok wpq gkodf, wod hsnv qaskdmi!


  1. Longrat says:

    It’s a +3 shift caeser cipher. Easy peasy:


    • Diziet Sma says:

      Yeah, I only noticed the background message of “Shift Right 3” after figuring it was caesar cipher.

    • diebroken says:


      LOL! it’s goatse all over again…

  2. Rii says:

    Here’s one NSFW application for Portal technology:

    [Yes, yes, we’ve all seen these, thanks. – Ed]

    • Avenger says:

      Thats a pretty disgusting frog. Definitely NSFW

    • LozTaylor says:

      Glad I’m not the only one that saw that.

    • Dana says:

      Was it Chell using portals to…hmm…pleasure, herself ?

    • LozTaylor says:

      Yes. Yes it was.

    • BAReFOOt says:

      WTF? I haven’t seen this?
      What ball-less sissy censored this??
      What kind of children are you, if you can’t handle this? You shouldn’t be allowed out in this oh-so-scary world called “reality”.

    • Matt says:

      BAReFOOt, don’t be an idiot, the editors obviously don’t want links to pornography on their site and that’s perfectly understandable.

  3. Matt says:

    “Good work. You found our hidden code. This is Zach King and I want to give you something awesome for your smart brains.

    If you think you are the first one to find this, email or inbox me with the subject “I found your freaking awesome hidden message” and I’ll send you something worth while.”

  4. Rush Ton says:

    Portals on a non white surface. Blasphemy!

  5. MacBeth says:

    Nice video, but yeah, the deciphering is bit too easy on that one… I’ve been reading Simon Singh’s book on codes & ciphers… there’s some much more challenging stuff in there!

  6. otzenGulasch says:

    Have you realized at 50 seconds that the second car disappears ? :)

  7. jimjames says:

    Man, that was unfunny.

  8. Brumisator says:

    …These guys are a little too impressed with themselves given the ugly unfunny result and their intelligence-insulting code.

  9. James G says:

    Not sure I’d destroy the gun once I had my UK/US portals set up. All it needs is for someone to move/destroy one of the surfaces and your portal is gone.

    I’d use it to help solve the global energy crisis by using it to create a source of clean free energy. Just stick portals at either end of a tube, pump it full of water, and use it to drive a turbine. Gravity takes care of the rest.

    • jon_hill987 says:

      Newton’s Third Law of Motion: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

      It would take a while, but this would cause some serious issues with Earth’s orbit/rotation. You would be simply swapping one problem for another.

    • Corrupt_Tiki says:

      Or you could put a portal on the sun and another portal next to a boiler, BAM steam energy.

    • 4026 says:

      @jon_hill987: You could deal with that by creating an equal and opposite portal generator turbine tube thing, possibly on the other side of the planet. The reactive forces from each would cancel each other out.

    • Dragatus says:

      @ Corrupt_Tiki

      Actually the surface temperature of the sun is way above the melting point of any metal. Your portal would be less like a water heater and more like a permanently exploding nuke.

    • Corrupt_Tiki says:

      @ Dragatus,

      EXACTLY!! Think of the possibilities ;P

  10. Peter Radiator Full Pig says:

    Portal gun=infinite energy.

  11. Corrupt_Tiki says:

    I would use it to create a portal to inside a baker’s shop, and steal frosted donuts every time they leave the room :)

  12. SuperNashwanPower says:

    PC Gamer ran a competition to come up with the funniest use of a Portal Gun, they had about 700 entries on their facebook page. A huge chunk had the infinite energy generation idea, another chunk were “I would put one on my fridge, the other next to my computer”, and a significant proportion of slightly pervy ones designed to look at women naked. Also well represented were ways to take a crap without moving from your seat. That was the bulk of the entrants, so it looks like a lot of people think the same way …

    • Corrupt_Tiki says:

      Well, you are limited in your choices with what to do with it; And they are in order,

      -Benefit all of humankind through infinite energy, clean water, allowing planets to be terraformed, etc
      -Tell people about it and eventually turn into a missing persons thanks to government death sqauds, said government then uses portal for global supremacy.
      -Keep it for yourself to steal your way to riches.
      -Keep it for yourself so you can be a lazy(ier) person, ie, Don’t have to stand up to shit, or get food..
      -Keep it for yourself so you can impress chicks
      -Keep it for yourself so you can perv on chicks

    • SuperNashwanPower says:

      Powering a jacuzzi, fighting, moniez, food, boobs

      Sounds like an awesome night out.

    • lokimotive says:

      I can only imagine the portal uses of the Extras version of Patrick Stewart.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      Rob a bank!

      /one of the few people who saw Jumper

  13. Jonathan says:

    It seems like the obvious use would be to have a portal next to where I work, and then move somewhere fabulous in the middle of nowhere, so I can have a city job but live in the wilderness.

  14. Spider Jerusalem says:

    I would use the portal gun to free all the animals from the zoo!

    I like bears!

  15. hjd_uk says:

    I’d mail a plain-white door to the US… just ignore the glowing orange light coming from inside the package officer.

    But after id sorted the homebrew pressure-suit I’d definitly have to use the extra-planetary functionality.

    I’m in Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

  16. Corrupt_Tiki says:

    Bah, Reply Fail, erm, excuse me :D

  17. Joe Duck says:

    I’d use it to defeat Batman and become the ruling superhero of Metropolis.

    • jon_hill987 says:

      Gotham City is the Dark Knight’s turf. If you want Metropolis you have to beat up Superman.

    • Joe Duck says:

      You are right, of course. So I will correct my statement: What I would do is defeat Batman, then Superman and put a portal between both cities so I could rule both at the same time.
      Ok now? :-)

    • ribidons says:

      Careful. Odds are, Batman would just take your portal gun away, rename it the Bat Door, then become (even more) unbeatable. It’d be the equivalent of handing someone clever enough to be a mundane on the Justice League a Green Lantern ring — overpowered, eh?

  18. Urthman says:

    The good part about this video is how at the end Google suggested those nifty quad-portal videos.

  19. gmcleod says:

    Portal applications are nearly endless. Last year I read Hamilton’s Commonwealth Saga which starts with Judas Unchained. The base of all the future technology in that setting (aside from the human immortality thing) is that a couple of garage scientists built a portal generator and used it to beat NASA to Mars on the day they were due to land. (severely shitting a lot of people off, but becoming overnight trillionaires)

    Set 300 years later those two scientists are the ceo’s a rail transit network that spans hundreds of planets using portal networks. Get on a train in london and a couple of hours later you’re 400 lightyears away at your destination.

  20. tocard2 says:

    I noticed that you wanted to teleport away from Bath. WHY?! I loved Bath when I was there. One of my favourite stops in England.

    All I have is silly flat Canadian prairies.