Shake It, Maybe: Duke Nukem Foreveryone

Boss boss, man. Bossman.
Well, the demo at least, which is now on Steam. Duke Nukem Forever, in case you’ve not heard of it, is the sequel to popular 1996-shooter, Duke Nukem 3D. The sequel was originally developed by 3D Realms, and then, later by another like-minded Dallas-based studio, Gearbox Software. The game charts the adventures of Duke Nukem (who is not actually a duke, as far as my research is able to determine) as he attempts to fight space-aliens, pig-men, and to rescue sexy ladies from certain unpleasantness. The demo is a sampler of Duke’s comedy-action delights, previously only available to people who previously pre-ordered the game, maybe, or bought Borderlands or something. I dunno. Whatever.

Good morning, by the way, Internet.


  1. limbclock says:

    You need to be a Gold member on Xbox Live if you wanna access the DNF demo today.

    Is it just me, or does that seem a bit mean?

  2. a.nye.123 says:

    This post does a good job of reflecting the intense apathy which this game inspires.

    • jon_hill987 says:

      You cared enough to post though…

    • Nim says:

      This post will contain a suggestion that an anonymous internet-person desperately feels the need to distance himself from the game as if the game had greatly offended and his sensibilities were hurt or he can not be seen playing such depravities.

      Either that or he has the most curious need to speak his mind on every matter possible which is an ability that can be quite annoying to the rest at times.

    • LionsPhil says:

      Or, in this case, maybe he’s just complementing Jim on a well-chosen tone.

    • a.nye.123 says:

      Correct, Lionsphil, that was the intended angle. I can see the ambiguity, though.

  3. poop says:

    i would have morbib curiosity downloaded this like a week ago when it came out, now i really dont give a shit

  4. Ricc says:

    I’m still in the “kinda have to see it for myself”-camp, and the demo is perfect for that.

    • Aemony says:

      Go within with low expectations, and you might come out with extraordinary sensations.

    • The Sentinel says:

      That’s what she said.

    • Teddy Leach says:

      The Sentinel is on fire today.

    • LionsPhil says:

      It really is. For a brief moment, when duke went “lookin’ goood” at all the logos as it started up, I thought it might just have a little smidge of charm and fun in it, and might not be too shabby.

      And then it basically confirmed that Alec’s review was spot on. I mean this is the ramble I had on IRC afterward:

      Welp, I agree entirely with Alec Meer’s review of DNF. Also Duke apparently spent all the time between games on his arse eating donuts. After a second or two of sprint he’s puffing and wheezing like as asmatic in a burning building. As well as, y’know, the whole cripplingly slow movement thing and the going from being an actual tough guy to falling over if people say bad words at him enough unless he has a moment to sit and suck his thumb behind a rock.

      And the whole first half of the demo, including a lengthy intro movie, is basically HEY HEY DO YOU REMEMBER THIS HEY HEY IT’S A THING FROM DUKE3D HEY WASN’T THAT GOOD HEY LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME PLEEEEASE. Only whereas the final boss fight in DN3D was fun, the same fight in DNF is horrendously tedious. I mean they even took out the pickups. In DN3D that arena fight had a reason to do something other than just fire at the boss and strafe.

      Although that strafing was more fun than all the rest of the fighting:

      I mean, christ, I had to take cover in the demo. Not sticky cover at least. But from shrunken enemies, since unlike Duke3D, DNF believes that their tiny tiny guns are still every bit as effective, and DNF’s Duke is such is complete pussy that a few bullets to his face make the screen go red. Whereas in DN3D you main way to avoid getting shot is to never stop running everywhere at motorway speeds. (And that’s WITHOUT steroids.)

      And the gunship miniboss makes the cycloid look fun, because it’s a cover peek fire cover pick up ammo cover peek fire repeat until asleep exercise, straight from the worst of the modern day shooter. This game is bad. It is just plan unfun. Unreal 2 was a better FPS than this.

  5. Miked says:

    Good morning Jim, good morning everyone!

  6. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    The internet says hi.

    Oh, and I do, as well.

  7. lurkalisk says:

    Hmm, hopefully the demo shall spur sufficient sales to warrant a proper sequel. Though I can’t imagine sales have too much to do with it. If it’s possible, it’s probably going to happen.

  8. Pop says:


  9. Premium User Badge

    Risingson says:

    Now that’s funny. Make the demo unavailable to most of us to make us lose interest on the game. It’s a great strategy, given the very short attention span a game has nowadays. A great strategy which joins with a graceful sinergy to the others made to sink Duke Nukem Forever, their developers and their publishers in the muddiest hole of them all.

  10. Makariel says:

    Good morning.

    What is this aristocrat of global thermonuclear destruction you speak of?

  11. GreatUncleBaal says:

    I’m wondering if this is the first time in my gaming life where seeing a preview of a demo has put me off downloading the demo itself, let alone looking at the game. It’s slightly bizarre.

  12. coldvvvave says:

    oops, ment to post this on forum

  13. Holybasil says:

    I will not PUNish myself by playing this.

  14. Kakrafoon says:

    I couldn’t resist. I just tried it, and it is awful. Deinstall.

    • LionsPhil says:

      Don’t forget to crowbar out “Dual Core Optimizer”, too, unless you’re one of the three people who still have an AMD processor. It’s under the usual Add/Remove Programs.

      Thanks bunches for installing that in all cases, Steam. Like you did for Moonbase Alpha. (Which was more fun than DNF, come to think of it. Hoses hoses hoses.)

    • Kakrafoon says:

      Thanks, man. I wasn’t in the room when Steam started its usual routine of installing DX9 and various assorted stuff, so I would have missed that.

  15. adonf says:

    It also came to my attention that the popular musician called “Prince” is actually a commoner. Can you believe the presumptuousness of these people?

    • c-Row says:

      Well spotted, good Sir. You should concentrate your future research on the band “Queen” now, I suppose.

    • adonf says:

      Oh but I have. It is not actually a band, it is Her Majesty singing and playing all instruments. She’s very much into rock music, did you not know?

    • jon_hill987 says:

      I don’t think Lady Gaga is a peer either…

    • The Colonel says:

      Lady Gaga isn’t a peer? I was just on my way to get down the end of it and start a concert party!

  16. Chaz says:

    Well I had low expectations before I downloaded the demo, and it was even worse than I was expecting. If the demo is any reflection of the full game then it must be dreadful. Couldn’t hold a candle to Duke 3D. Is this really all they have to show for 12 years work!

    • LionsPhil says:

      I believe the problem is that since Georgy-Porgy kept making them throw everything out and start over, it’s more like two years’ rushwork on a project that’s been in “burn” for ten so nobody has any creative energy left.

  17. magnus says:

    For the last time, it’s just like Deus Ex : Invisible War – in a year or two you’ll be saying it wasn’t that bad after all! Even so the DNF in my head was always going to be better, bastards! Why couldn’t Gearbox read my mind!

    • Chaz says:

      “in a year or two you’ll be saying it wasn’t that bad after all!”

      No, no we won’t. DNF will be the new Daikatana.

  18. Robin says:

    Steam won’t actually let me download the demo. Ho-hum.

    • hydra9 says:

      Steam let me download it, but then I got a black screen with a little hourglass sitting there. Eventually, it crashed. For the best?

    • Pointless Puppies says:

      So I guess Steam now has a feature to prevent people from subjecting themselves to horrendous games.

      Must have missed that in the update list. <_<

  19. RegisteredUser says:

    There is a brief moment of goodness when you get to play airhockey in the game.

    Then you’re forced to continue playing boring shit in a pseudo-hentai setting rapefest of a formerly awesome franchise.

    Steering clear of DNF if you have any kind of fond memories of the duke is likely not a bad idea.

  20. Lagwolf says:

    Ayup, the demo is just as lame as Total Biscuit made it out to be. I am so glad I didn’t pre-order this steaming pile. Will pick it up with its a $10 in a few months time.