Take A Seat: Scorpion Psychiatrists Of Saturn

So Pac Man, the eternal hunt symbolises eternal greed for your father's riches, yes?

What do you get if you squeeze Don’t Take It Personally Babe, It Just Ain’t Your Story and Lesbian Spider Queens From Mars together? A hurried visit to the Scorpion Psychiatrists of Saturn, of course. You may find its intro oddly familiar:

I am the in-house psychiatrist of Saturn’s best private school. Some students find me creepy. They should! I’m a scorpion! Actually, we’re pretty common on Saturn. But hey, whatever. Besides, a scorpion is needed for a school with this much drama! I’ll solve their emotional problems using my stinging advice beam! But I need to keep my distance lest I get involved myself!

Press space to start playing, arrow keys to move around. It’s a hack of Lesbian Spider Queens, so the same neat always-on attack mechanic has been repurposed for a more mentally sound experience. There’s a 64-bit friendly version linked in the first comment on the game’s page, and don’t forget to install the fonts. Happily, the creator of Don’t Take It Personally, Christine Love, exclaims in the comments:

oh my god, what did I do to deserve this? it’s not even my birthday or anything!

You know, indie game developers/rom hackers of the world: I’d like to see more of this kind of thing. How about a Messhof game crossed with Edmund McMillen’s brain? Can the internet hold such madness?

Actually, on second thought, best you don’t answer that. I don’t really want to know.


  1. Bodminzer says:

    You know when you have an idea, and as you’re explaining it to somebody else you realise that it is an awful idea, but it’s too late, the other person thinks it’s brilliant and won’t leave it alone? This isn’t one of those ideas. This is a good idea.

  2. NegativeZero says:

    What do you get if you squeeze Don’t Take It Personally Babe, It Just Ain’t Your Story and Lesbian Spider Queens From Mars together?

    link to en.wikipedia.org ?

    • cjlr says:

      I remember that game. Text games were a cruel, arbitrary mistress.

      But then, that game did have the single best gender select option of all time – public bathrooms.

  3. JackShandy says:

    I like that this game makes me install a font called “Mars needs cunnilingus” before it’ll run. That takes balls(?).

    • Gundrea says:

      Proof that modern society is being emasculated: the lesbian spider queens stole all the balls.

    • JackShandy says:

      Just finished it, it’s honestly brilliant. From the tiny amount of comments here I doubt many will play it, but anyone who tried Don’t Take it Personally should absolutely try it. It’s surprising and funny and kept me smiling right to the end of it’s 10 or so minutes.

    • Wilson says:

      @JackShandy – I wasn’t going to try this, but after reading your comment I will do. It’s so easy for me to give it a go, I don’t know why I don’t try every little game RPS mentions. I try a lot of them, but pass some over, and I don’t know why.

  4. RobF says:

    Glorious Trainwrecks is always the best thing.

  5. Nallen says:

    You know what I DO want to know?

    Who is Andrew Peter Smee and where did he come from?

    • Jim Rossignol says:

      We found him under a chair and coaxed him out with treats. He’s okay.

    • 12kill4 says:

      So now I’m imagining him as some kind of Gollum like creature making weird hissing noises from out of the darkness… “Smeeeee… Smeeeee…SMEEE!!”

      Alternatively I’m picturing him changing the attachments on Capt. Hook’s arm-stub… Hope those two visuals don’t meet….

  6. Strangineer says:

    Good fun, this!

  7. McCool says:

    Yes, this is why I love RPS. More of this, yes.

  8. Wilson says:

    The concept was funny, but the game part was poor and went on too long. Plus, it broke and I never respawned, so I couldn’t finish the game.

  9. Kieron Gillen says:

    I’m not sure if I’ve ever laughed more at a game.


  10. Christine says:

    I liked the part where it replaced the male protagonist with a lesbian couple. Why didn’t I think of that?!

  11. Baggypants says:

    Game of the Year