Impressions: New Star Soccer 5

Rioters! I'd know their type anywhere

A curious new leisure hobby for the younger man has lately taken the continent and the colonies by storm, and your intrepid gentlemen reporters at the Rock, the Paper and Shotgun feel duty-bound to investigate this ‘sport’ the filthy foreigns have dubbed ‘foot-to-ball’.

We couldn’t possibly sully our fine, firm, perfect bodies on the pitch and at the risk of a physical encounter with one of the careening yahoos who profess to be experts at this activity, you understand, but fortunately we’ve been able to simulate the experience via unsettlingly but admittedly highly effective digital magicks. New Star Soccer 5 recreates every element of foot-to-ball, from the foot to the ball and everything in between, within the comfort, safety and seasonal warmth of one’s own manor.

Eschewing the sort of upsettingly convincing portraits of thuggery which result from the photo-realistic approach that large colonial corporations who create these kinds of electronic entertainments tend towards, NSS5 presents your men – if this short-wearing louts could indeed be called ‘men’ – as mere pixel shapes darting around a primary-coloured, over-sized lawn. While simple, this seems to accurately capture the nature of movement of this barbaric leisure activity.

The barbarism apparently continues off the pitch, with your lone player (who is assigned a local team from across the world’s cities. Sadly our fine hamlet of Pomposity-on-the-Wold was not represented; we have of course dispatched a letter of complaint to The Telegraph) pursuing fame, riches, popularity and skill between his sporting engagements. The oik even has the option of romance, should he seek a trophy filly to help increase his social standing in the red-tops’ estimation.

The swine could choose to spend time impressing himself upon his team-mates or his fans, via a strange card-matching minigame that, even to our relatively ignorant minds on this matter, appears to have precisely nothing to do with foot-to-ball. Or he could indulge himself in all manner of feckless trappings of wealth, such as moveable telephones and portable musicboxes. The filthy reprobate can even spend his ill-gotten earnings on drinking beer. Words cannot convey our disgust at this sort of behavior. All such sickening hedonism is intended to help our fellow’s state of mind and/or repute, in order that he might perform better on the pitch and in turn command higher wages for his worthless, violent actions.

We’re given to understand this product is both a real-time sports game and a management, and truly it does indeed seem well fleshed-out in this regard, but without taking the ludicrous business too seriously. I did not feel overwhelmed by its number or its language, and indeed became rather invested in the fate of my minute running man despite myself. He was simple but rewarding to control upon the pitch, a mere matter of movement and kicking or heading, although I must confess I did spend an awful lot of time chasing pathetically after the ball or failing to activate the brutal assault on my fellow players that is carefully known as ‘tackling.’

This creation appears to be free to engage yourself with, though note you are limited in how many ‘games’ you might enjoy of a single day unless you’re prepared to hand a few bearer bonds to the gentlemen responsible.

While, as an upstanding gentlemen of refinement and intellectualism I am perhaps not best placed to make this manner of observation, I do rather suspect that this electronic product is ideal for any lout who has a passing to high level of interest in foot-to-ball, but sensibly feels he would ideally retain the mental freedom and time to embark upon other interests in addition to this one, instead of having his feeble mind overtaken lock, stock and barrel by the more painstakingly detailed simulations that arguably dispense with some of the raw and instant joy of chasing a small army of large-thighed gentlemen around a pitch in favour of arcane and cryptic recreation of uninteresting details.

I trust you will concur in this matter.


  1. Merus says:

    “A curious new leisure hobby for the younger man has lately taken the continent and the colonies by storm, and your intrepid gentlemen reporters at the Rock, the Paper and Shotgun feel duty-bound to investigate this ‘sport’ the filthy foreigns have dubbed ‘rioting and looting’.”

    I expected the first sentence to end thus, which made the entire article take on an entirely new dimension.

  2. Lambchops says:

    Sounds a bit rubbish really.

    But it has presented an opportunity to remind foot-to-ball fans that the RPS forums are one again indulging in the activity of randomly guessing carefully considering which of the reprobates who ply this game as their trade will perform at a level above their compatriots and proove themselves as superior. While the ruffians proclaim their skills to the masses via the medium of tweeted pigeon English we can bask in their reflected glory by having a higher number of points than our fellow fans.

    In other words the RPS fantasy football league is being organised here: link to

    Come join, if this is your cup of tea. I’m planning on making my team when I get home, therefore it’s quality will most likely be dependent on whether I go via the pub or not!

  3. battles_atlas says:

    Was so hoping this was just Sensi Soccer

  4. Paool says:


    lololol soccer is for girly men lolololol

    • skinlo says:

      They only speak the truth.

    • razgon says:

      now now, back to the basement with you, and don’t you worry your little 600 pound body about this strange thing called sports.

    • Teddy Leach says:

      Real men kick cannonballs around a volcanic wasteland. While naked. And roaring.

    • patricij says:

      And then they go to a bar together and drink boiling hot oil. Naked.

    • McDan says:

      And then in a very manly way have baths together. Naked.

  5. Teddy Leach says:

    “”Utterly brilliant” – Rock, Paper, Shotgun”

    Have a look on their website. Look where that quote came from.

    • Gnoupi says:

      Yeah, apparently they took simply the comment about the TRAILER, as a comment about the game. That’s not unusual practice, but hardly recommendable…

      Besides, I tried the game yesterday. Tried to finish the tutorial. I failed to do the basic moves, even with repeating several times, so I stopped, rather frustrated. I guess not the kind of game for me.

    • Teddy Leach says:

      Common practice, but still highly amusing. They appear to have now changed it to:

      “”Highly effective digital magicks” -RockPaperShotgun”

    • siread says:

      The “Utterly brilliant” trailer quote was removed from the main site yesterday when the game went live. However, the RPS link went to the mirror site which I forgot to update. It has been updated now. :)

  6. Mr_Hands says:

    I literally just finished signing up for an account when this article was posted. RPS’ first rumblings about this game stuck with me, and I returned to that article many times over the past month or so.

    Excited to play this.

  7. TheApologist says:

    I’m confused. Is this ‘sport’ anything like Bloodbowl?

    • Teddy Leach says:

      Apparently kneecapping your opponent while on the pitch is considered bad play. This is as much a sport as my fingernail.

    • Xercies says:

      Highly unrelated(OR IS IT!) But i really want a game of football on the PC to go by Shaolin Soccer rules

    • sinister agent says:

      It really surprises me that there’s been (as far as I’m aware) no spiritual successor to Brutal Sports Football or Wild Cup Soccer (which was crap, but it didn’t have to be). Popular sport + lethal violence seems so incredibly obvious, yet nobody seems to have touched it.

      Even just a football equivalent to EA Hockey on the Mega Drive (or whatever it was called – the one where you could crack people in the head with the puck and/or punch them out in a completely meaningless fight that would always result in you both being sent off, but dammit, you still had to win the fight) would be a start.

      I er. I actually thought Blood Bowl was like them until I played it. Didn’t realise it was turn-based. Ahem.

  8. sinister agent says:

    Oh man, that’s a bit spooky. I was just a few hours ago thinking, apropros of nothing, that I should get round to playing NSS after putting it off for several years.


  9. TillEulenspiegel says:

    Oh no. It’s really, really good. Like that crappy Flash game “Jumpers for Goalposts”, except not a crappy Flash game.

  10. Baconberries says:

    The tone of this article has been executed most expertly, I must say.

  11. Helmholtz says:

    That bicycle doesn’t look like it’s worth $5k.

  12. Mr Bismarck says:

    Why have they taken the hang gliders out of the game? That’s a ridiculous blow to realism there.

    In NSS3 I bought my girlfriend thousands of hang gliders and she was never happier.

  13. Megadyptes says:

    I like New Star games, they’re cute.

  14. Rinox says:

    Can you use doping and get caught?

    • Jesse L says:

      Yes, there are random drug tests after games.

      In other news, I apparently suck at this. I didn’t see any of the other little men out there scoring, why does everybody hate just me?

  15. McDan says:

    Thoroughly excellent once again RPS, they should think of making this game in real life.

  16. Detrian says:

    Would be a neat game except it runs like absolute crap for some reason and you can only play 3 matches a day if you don’t pay. Not to mention that the game still has some crashes that eat up your matches if you happen to experience one while preparing for it.

  17. sinelnic says:

    This was great until the match wich was crap. Utter crap.

  18. Dimsey says:

    I’m liking the game a lot but the 5 free games a day is probably enough for me. If it continues to hold my attention perhaps I’ll pay simply to support the developer but I don’t really feel the need to play more than they’re offering for free.

  19. Pusa says:

    Man…I was hoping for a new Sensible Soccer….Wrong!

  20. alms says:

    Having been a CM2 addict, I was looking forward to this game, and yes it’s nice enough IMO. I was going to buy it after 10 minutes of playing but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the price. 20$?? well above my impulse buy threshold. To add insult to injury, for euro customers it’s 18 € (i.e. 26$). I find it annoying enough when devs/publishers start spitting BS and ignore the exchange rate. Fat chance that I’m going to let myself be ripped off.