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Gymkhanta: It's Pony Vs. Pony

Bleeeeaaaaauuuurrrrggggggghhhhhh

There are a great many online free-to-play games that we ignore every day. If we did not, the site would be only covering such games, no one would read it, and we’d all be broken, sobbing messes. But I am not a strong enough man to skip past something called Pony Vs. Pony. Not when there’s a song, too.

It’s bloody awful, of course. A really crappy little mini-game somehow imagined worthy of being stretched out into an entire game, as if that will obsess a young mind enough to start wanting to spend real-world money on buying cosmetic augmentations for their little horsey. But when they’re giving away the ability to turn it into a ponycorn for free, that’s no kind of economic sense.

But I draw your attention to it because of this. The song that plays when you get there.

We’re talking about something that competes with I Love Horses.

But I can’t tell how ironic it really is. It sort of drops a bunch of hints, accompanied by some other silliness on the game’s site. But were that to be true, then why would the game it’s attached to be such unironically dreadful rubbish?

It’s very child-friendly, with pony names chosen from a drop down list rather than your own foul ideas. The rudest I could create was Prancing Purple Bliss, so of course I chose that. But then you’re just endlessly replaying the same shitty mini-game over and over, with no discernible challenge or variation. (You can of course play against your friends, but I don’t have any.) Adding a pet makes a fraction of a difference, but beyond that, not much.

Which is DISAPPOINTING! This should have been a game about gruesome duals between angry horses, gouging the other’s face off with sharpened hooves. There could at least be some interesting death animations when you win a match. In other news, maybe I played too much Dead Island.

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John Walker

Senior Editor

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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