RPS Exclusive Lack Of A Battlefield 3 Review

Well, it serves them right.

As you’ll have noticed, RPS is yet to have brought you a review of Battlefield 3. This is because, unfortunately, EA seemed to forget to give us a copy in advance of release. So instead, below is a picture of a puppy on a unicorn.


  1. Spliter says:

    What I gathered from this post is that Battlefield 3 is a modern combat shooter where you fight giant cats, while being allied to puppies riding unicorns.

    Sounds good to me!

    • Tusque D'Ivoire says:

      just get a kickstarter going on that, we’ll cover you!

    • roryok says:

      six kinds of awesome it would be. +1

    • McDan says:

      Don’t forget the dinosaurs!

    • Shuck says:

      I would pay money for that. In fact, that might be the only way to get me to buy a Battlefield game.

    • nofing says:

      The only way I’m going to buy it, is if they patch in some hats for that puppy.

    • DavidMccue says:

      RPS did you check the questionnaire section which asked if you are a fan of Call of Duty, if so i wouldn’t expect a review* copy too soon. LOL

      Did the reviewer personally review BFBC2 or Black Ops?
      What score did he give it?
      What is his past experience with Battlefield?
      Is he a fan of Battlefield?
      Is he a fan of Call of Duty?
      Has he been playing BF Franchise? BFBC2? 1943? BF2?
      Has he expressed enthusiasm or concern for BF3? What are they?
      Did he play the beta? Did he enjoy it / get frustrated with it?
      What is his present view on the game?

      link to pcgamer.com

      *Only EA’s puppets may apply.

    • Shadram says:

      No shooting of cats! I give this idea my lowest score, 6/10.

    • qinqinershiyi says:

      Happy halloween!
      Welcome to:
      link to mcaf.ee
      The good shopping place! You’ll love it very much!

    • Gandhi says:

      But, does it have any dragonz?

    • Xerian says:

      I would pay for such a game, even though my eyes would shed water like a waterfall everytime I shot a cat.
      Hivemind… Make it happend.

  2. KlaxonOverdrive says:

    You rated it puppy and unicorn!? How much is EA paying you?

    • The Army of None says:

      What a lack of integrity in Games Reviewers these days!

    • Ba5 says:

      If I had to guess, I’d say EA is not sure RPS would give it a positive rating, so they’re forgoing giving them a review copy. Not a stretch, considering they were holding a survey to find out who to have their game reviewed by. This just reconfirms that we should wait for actual, real people’s experiences with this game, instead of reviewers who will happily point out all flaws and then slap a 9/10 on it anyway.

    • The Army of None says:

      You’re ruining our fun.

    • AndrewC says:

      Ba5: Could you explain your logic using other words please, I would be interesting in reading it.

    • Ba5 says:


      Short version: EA is not sure RPS will give BF3 a good rating, so no copy for RPS.

      Other people are happy to give it a good rating, so they have early reviews.

      Lesson learned: never trust early reviews.

    • AndrewC says:

      So, if I get this right, EA sent out questionnaires to reviewers, therefore all reviews are corrupt. Yes?

    • Salt says:

      It was recently revealed that EA was deciding which Norwegian games publications they will send a pre-release copy of BF3 to by looking over what the publication and reviewer had to say about past Battlefield and Call of Duty games.

      EA duly apologised, and insisted that Norway was a one-off. The collective internet mind duly didn’t believe them.

      Nothing directly to do with reviewers being “corrupt”. Instead it’s about EA allegedly only allowing publications and journalists to review their products if they’re fairly confident that they’ll either be nice about it, or at least not spend the whole review saying how MW3 is totally going to be better.

      That RPS has not been sent a review copy would mostly fit with this theory, as RPS has at least not been as enthusiastic about linear shooters than other publications. Then again there’s been quite a lot of positive Bad Company 2 coverage around here, and certainly no fanboy-like clamouring for MW3 coverage.

    • Raniz says:

      I’ve got a few sites I really trust and where I go to for reviews, other sites can post whatever flawed reviews they want to get early review copies, because I’m not reading them.

    • AndrewC says:

      Two things:
      1: I’m still getting this leap from EA attempting to control its PR to all reviews being corrupt.
      2: What does this have to do with Unicorns?

    • Hoaxfish says:

      because unicorns apparently don’t exist

    • Burning Man says:


      If EA is attempting to control their PR, and only those sites that are willing to surrender some measure of control to EA are given early review copies, it is reasonable to assume those reviews will be biased positively towards BF3. By stretching it a bit much, you can also say that all those reviewers are corrupt people who would happily feed their grandmothers to the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal in order to get pageviews.

    • Dozer says:

      Quite clearly, John Walker has been bribed with a giant cat. Don’t believe me? It’s all in the numbers:

      1) Dexter
      2) Dexter
      C) DEAxtEAr

      I am shocked yet not surprised by this lack of integrity.

    • BooleanBob says:

      I think the government made Battlefield 3 on purpose.

    • Zeewolf says:

      “If EA is attempting to control their PR, and only those sites that are willing to surrender some measure of control to EA are given early review copies, it is reasonable to assume those reviews will be biased positively towards BF3.”

      Except that the sites that were sent these questions decided not to answer the questions that were inappropriate, and still got their review code.

      I love how people immediately jump to the “reviewers are corrupt”-conclusion. Instead of responding to the questions like good little doggies, these publications started an open discussion about them which obviously blew up in EA’s face. But nooo, let’s forget THAT. Let’s just assume they’re corrupt anyway!

    • FRIENDLYUNIT says:

      LOL! Care to explain that to the puppy sitting right on top of it??!!

    • Starky says:

      The real reason is simply…

      RPS don’t give scores – EA (or Acti for that matter) don’t give a fuck about any publication that does not add to the games metacritic score.

  3. MiniMatt says:

    Disappointments like this are what cause me to go killing.

    More accurately, isn’t that half a puppy on a unicorn?

  4. ts061282 says:

    Manshoot is as manshoot does.

  5. Lone Gunman says:

    Well your review will be accurate if you review it under the conditions it will be played by most.

  6. Mirqy says:

    Wait a minute, how am I supposed to know whether this puppycorn is worth getting or not based on this so-called ‘wot I think’?

  7. Nathan says:

    They should have sent you a 360 version, like they did with Ars.

  8. jellydonut says:

    Let me guess – you’ve not been riding EA’s cock sufficiently, nor toeing the party line on Origin.

    • SLeigher says:

      My guess is it has to do with RPS’ lack of scores. If it doesn’t appear on Metacritic EA doesn’t care.

  9. owenj says:

    I have developed the creeping feeling that this is going to be a big disappointment.

    • Nallen says:

      I was in Game yesterday thinking exactly the same thing. God, what’s if it is crap.

      Thankfully Batman is freakin awesome.

    • Thermal Ions says:

      Well I for one am not in the least disappointed in RPS foregoing reviewing BF3 in order to bring us the under appreciated unipup ™.

      Wouldn’t have bothered reading a BF3 review anyway.

  10. The_B says:

    Surprised you went with the puppy on a unicorn score, when this review reads like it should be a rabbit on a pony.

    • sneetch says:

      Rabbit on pony?! Rabbit on Pony? Regardless of the fact that I haven’t played it I can tell you it’s at least a puppy on a pony!

      You sir, are a COD fanboy, sir.

    • Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      Pah, it’s barely even an ocelot on a donkey.

    • faillord_adam says:

      Narwhal on an Ocelot, surely.

    • KlaxonOverdrive says:

      Donkey Ocelot was my favourite MGS character.

    • Dozer says:

      Have you got an ocelot?——-
      ——–I’ve got lots of ocelots.
      I want lots of ocelots!———–
      ——–I’ve got lots of ocelots!

      link to rathergood.com

      hellooOOO 2004.

    • Glycerine says:

      You’re all crazy, this game’s going to be in Toad on a Flapjack territory even before the mod community get to it.

      @Dozer; very first thing i though of!

    • DigitalSignalX says:

      I read something once about Jesus on a pogo stick, but it was suspect since ATI drivers were causing clipping errors with water.

  11. Inverselaw says:


  12. Nostromo says:

    Gametrailers’ review points to a nice game where it matters (the PC).

  13. Raymond Saint says:

    Thank you very much, dear sirs.

  14. dandy-pandy says:

    american post did it again

  15. Richard Beer says:

    This has been Photoshopped. I can tell because of the pixels.

    • Harkkum says:

      It is the un-natural shadows and can you see that static one-pixel light source! My tri-ABCD 4872X card clearly shows these faults whilst running on ballista-form.

    • skurmedel says:

      The phong shader is almost lambertian, strange dithering going on with the anti-aliasing and the global illumination leaves a lot to be desired.

  16. Dinger says:

    Now is the time for Paradox to issue a kitten-filled press release. I’m just sayin’, more of the gaming internet clicks on photos of kittens than on BF3 reviews. It’s proven.

  17. Deathcrow says:

    That’s cool RPS. You don’t need to appeal to the masses and follow the hype. I come to RPS for the interesting articles about stuff I never hear about anywhere else. BF3 is EVERYWHERE…

  18. Jannakar says:

    Innocent question: Do you normally get review copies from EA (I would guess yes)? Is it just exclusive review rights to some sites and not others, or are they just picking on RPS?

  19. Monkey says:

    That puppy has no in-game voip, therefore cannot tell the unicorn where to go, what a shame

    • Thermal Ions says:

      In-game voip was planned, however the community engagement team highlighted that the PC audience would complain that there was no “push to talk” capability, and considering everyone with friends already uses Vent/TS/Mumble they’d get less complainants if they simply cut voip completely.

      * and those without friends would be grateful to be saved from getting abused by foul mouthed 12 year olds.

  20. bobbobob says:

    How many times can you whip the unicorn whilst playing as the puppy?

  21. Will Tomas says:

    PCG got a copy, but it didn’t work, so they’re in the same boat-

    link to pcgamer.com

    • jonfitt says:

      The story is told in flashback by a soldier named Blackburn to two government agents, and every time he begins to talk of another mission, you start to play it. It’s hard not to imagine his ridiculous storytelling. “We were in Tehran, dealing with PLR insurgents. And then I shot a man, and then I shot another man, and then one threw a grenade, and I ran away, and then I came back, and I shot six men, and then two spawned behind a wall, and I shot them, and…”.


    • VelvetFistIronGlove says:

      I automatically read that excerpt in the voice of Vernon from Psychonauts. It seemed apt.

    • bill says:

      So it’s not an RPS Exclusive Lack?!?! I feel betrayed. I can’t believe they would lie to us like that, and using a poor, innocent, underage puppy as part of their deviousness just makes it worse.

      Though, now i’ve read that (awesome) not-review, I feel it’s essentially what RPS would have written.

      In these moments when you’re clicking on heads popping up from behind low walls – and that’s most of the game – I found it as tedious and frustrating as that other series.

      Where it differs, and becomes vastly more enjoyable, is when you’re fighting inside a vehicle. There’s a tank section you’ll have seen in trailers, and another where you play co-pilot in a fighter jet. The latter is awkwardly shoved in to the plot, but it’s worth it, and both are vast and exciting.

      Still, it’s not why I play PC games, and it’s not why I play Battlefield games.

  22. westyfield says:

    Have you bothered contacting EA/DICE to ask why you haven’t had a review copy? I’d be interested to hear their reasons, even though they’d probably spout some BS about you leaking the code or something.

  23. apm says:

    whats the cat doing there?

  24. Njordsk says:

    Okay, I thought a unicorn was some kind of hat, Napoleon style.

    My lack of english vocabulary is scary

    • Sinomatic says:

      Now I want a unicorn hat.

    • roryok says:

      that’s a eunuch horn

    • MiniMatt says:

      Infinitely better than my Norwegian(?) vocabulary.

      You’ll be thinking of a tricorn(e) hat. Though agreed, a unicorn hat would be infinitely cooler.
      Latin word roots, anything beginning “tri” usually has three *somethings*, anything beginning “uni” normally has one *something*.

    • sidhellfire says:

      I wonder if Chuck Testa would make an unicorn.

    • Monkey says:

      If a unicorn is a hat, that puppy is wearing it the wrong way round

    • YourMessageHere says:

      If a tricorn hat has three corners, isn’t one of those pointed caps Robin Hood archetypically wears, that is to say, a hat with only one actual corner, a unicorn by definition?

    • Gandhi says:

      @Monkey – Actually the puppy is the hat.

    • bill says:

      I thought a Tricorn was the dinosaur that looks kind of like a Rhino, but with 3 horns?

    • Carwash says:

      @Bill you mean the Triceratops ?

    • bill says:

      I thought the triceratops was the French flag?

    • MiniMatt says:

      @bill – nah, French flag is the tricycle – you’re thinking of the Arc de Triceratops

  25. oceanclub says:

    I presume the cat in the first photo is DLC?


    • MiniMatt says:

      They always fleas the customer on the DLC.

    • westyfield says:

      Fur fuck’s sake.

    • Craig Stern says:

      As long as they add in a paws function, I’ll get it.

    • VelvetFistIronGlove says:

      No review code for RPS? I’ve got a bad feline about BF3 PC.

    • Brackynews says:

      I really hope they include that level with the hairier jet! “The Sound and the Furry”.

    • applecup says:

      Don’t be ridiculous. I have faith in DICE to make a purrfect manshoot.

    • Sleepymatt says:

      It isn’t DLC, it’s the day one pet-ch.

    • X_kot says:

      Puns in an RPS comment thread appear like clawkwork.

    • Raiyan 1.0 says:

      Cut out the puns guys. On a more serious note, maybe RPS wasn’t allowed a copy because they didn’t agree to some EA legal clawse? This question seems purrtinent since their recent cat-astrophic pull from Steam due to apparent Terms of Service mewddling.

    • Gandhi says:

      This pun thread has to stop right meow

    • Tori says:

      You cat stop us now!

    • Ondrej says:

      I ear you, man. What if BF3 turns out to be a huge tail?

    • Thermal Ions says:

      Don’t be concerned, their paid DLC plans were scratched after a catastrophic anti-exploitation campaign by PETA.

  26. mod the world says:

    Who needs a BF3 review anyway, i come here for the cute animal pictures!

  27. Cunzy1 1 says:

    A live action dragon and unicorn! It is only Monday. WHATEVER NEXT?

  28. Wizardry says:

    I’ll help you experience the game so that you may review it. Just sit back in your chair and relax.

    You see an enemy run onto the screen. You move your mouse to bring the enemy central. You click the left mouse button. The enemy collapses to the floor. Victory is yours.

  29. zeroskill says:

    Hey RPS, did you check if you meat the requirements for doing a positive review for Battlefield 3?
    link to pcgamer.com

    Also I guess RPS isnt interesting enough for EA because they dont give out 9 out of 10s in exchange for money.

    • felisc says:

      “meating” the requirements, mh ?
      i’m pretty sure rps already mentioned their cpus run on state of the art cows.

    • Sinomatic says:

      Are you saying RPS lack the gaming chops to review BF3?

    • Prime says:

      It’s probably just an innocent misteak, although RPS don’t often mince their words…

  30. acidtestportfolio says:

    battlefield 3 escort mission (with a cat)

    take point as the cat flops its furry ass in the grass in front of the sun

    standing there for four hours at least

    • Magnetude says:

      If I’d been drinking tea while reading this it definitely would have come out of my nose

      As it is I just did a dry snort, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much at such a non-sequitur of a comment

  31. Burning Man says:

    I recommend clicking the unicorn tag and reading the only other entry with it. You will not sleep well.

    • Premium User Badge

      bsplines says:

      What is seen cannot be unseen. If I have nightmares I know now who to blame

    • sneetch says:

      After reading that I’m more worried about the nightmare having me now.

  32. Donjo says:

    What’s everyone going to do with their new machines when RPS get a hold of this and we realise it’s not up to scratch? I’m going to see how many times I can open Half Life 2 before it goes haywire.

  33. Walsh says:

    I wonder if the tank gunner noticed the levitating cat next to him. He’s probably not looking at it in the hopes it will go away.

  34. chaywa says:

    I can’t believe how unfairly balanced this game is, I mean a unicorn has both speed, stamina and a solid attack rating without perks or unlocks. Combined with the puppy (an Andrex Puppy at that!) to increase the cuteness rating, it ultimately breaks the game.

    How are my eagle and Buzz Lightyear combo ever going to fairly compete against that!


  35. Durkan says:

    I heard the Labrador puppy’s only available on pre order.

    If you want it after the games release it’s a DLC.
    You know … Down Loaded Canine

    Also Amazon is doing the SpayedCat Kit as a bonus.

    I’ll get my coat.

  36. JoWoo says:

    This is the best review I have ever not read.

  37. roryok says:

    Don’t joke about the cat. EVEN KITTENS CAN BE DEADLY

    link to wired.com

  38. Ergates_Antius says:

    NOOOOoooooooooo…. Don’t shoot the lovely kitty!!!

  39. tbs says:

    Will there be Scrolls involved in this game as well?

  40. Inglourious Badger says:

    I don’t understand why don’t just ASSUME what it’s going to be like, taking into account any relevant levels of hype (more equals better), and just write a review based on that?

    • Inglourious Badger says:

      And I like how I’ve just excitedly done the rounds of my favourite gaming sites to find a trusted review and none of them have one yet! Not even Eurogamer who have their own Battlefield 3 microsite! I think you’re not the only ones, RPS. Not to worry

    • Lazaruso says:

      “Exclusive lack” my ass! How dare RPS claim they’re the only reviewers EA hasn’t bought! Especially after all those times they spit on commenters who suggested the very same thing!

  41. Electricfox says:

    Blitzkrieg – When you only stop for kittens…and puppies on unicorns

  42. Branthog says:

    At least you’re in good company. Hell, even GiantBomb apparently didn’t get a copy.

  43. Mikhail Popov says:

    Ben Kuchera of Ars Technica tweeted “EA and DICE are just trolling me at this stage. My BF3 package came in… with the console version.”


  44. NaturalDre says:

    This is just a guess, but they might not have sent one ’cause you guys don’t give out review scores.

    • Koozer says:

      Then surely they wouldn’t care as it isn’t grabbed by Metascore?

  45. Sunjammer says:

    Storytelling in retrospect is ridiculous for games. Even when it does work, such as in Sands of Time, it’s a hackneyed solution where the narrator has to go back and retell his story again because ‘that’s not what happened’ whenever the player dies.

    • Magnetude says:

      “I fought some sand monsters, then spent ten minutes looking around the room for hidden items. Then I fell off a ledge and died. Goodnight.”

    • John Brindle says:

      It works perfectly if the narrating character is very old.

      “Grandad, you’ve told this part four times before.”
      “Sho what?! I DIED four timesh before I got pasht it!”

  46. rocketman71 says:

    Definitely MUCH better than Battlefield 3!

  47. Freud says:

    That’s what you get for using derogatory terms such as “man shooter”.

  48. caddyB says:

    Relevant footage of ordering Battlefield 3 online:
    link to youtu.be

  49. Tams80 says:

    You actually had me believing there were cats in BF3 for a moment then. ¬.¬

    They didn’t send you a copy, despite the background advertisement advertising they’re game? Bastards. (*Does know that it probably wasn’t deliberate*)

  50. Bobtree says:

    You can log in to the BF3 battlelog right now, setup your profile, install the plugin (for squad voice and game launching), and hit the forums. Some are already unlocking the single player via VPN, but I won’t bother with it.

    Unfortunately there’s no way to have multiple soldiers on your profile or change display name, though your Origin ID can be changed if you haven’t used the desired nickname with a previous EA game. Bit of a snafu there, lots of forum posts about this. Likewise with veteran status from old games. Com-rose is in but apparently a work in progress. Negative mouse acceleration is also new … sigh.

    Nvidia 285.62 drivers are out today for the BF3 release.