Some days, there isn’t much news to report. Today is one of those days. The sensible thing would be to go play a few delightful indie games, pen a few more Skyrim misadventures or open my very veins to hold forth about how Chuckie Egg made me, but the sensible thing feels far too involved when I’ve only poisoned my body and mind with one cup of hot, brown caffeinated liquid so far today. So instead, here’s the entirely fabricated news I wish I was writing.
Skyrim patch incoming
Following news that, at 280,000 concurrent players at its peak, Skyrim has broken player count records on Steam (that bit is actually true), Bethesda decide to take the PC entirely seriously again and will release a patch containing a slew of new graphics settings that everyone’s worked out how to do in ini files already. “Sorry,” said a man, “it’s a mystery to us that we didn’t put those options in in the first place too. Yeah, it’s pretty embarrassing that people can make the game look orders of magnitude better with a few quick tweaks in Notepad, isn’t it? I think we were distracted by a cute dog or something. Oh, there’s another one! Look at its floppy ears!”
XCOM FPS remake “a marketing ruse”
Turns out the controversial remake of godlike strategy game X-COM as a noisy FPS was a red herring. “Yeah, we’re not going to do that,” said a man. “I mean, it doesn’t make a lick of sense, does it? I’m amazed anyone fell for it, to be honest. The truth is we knocked up a few trailers to get the X-COM name back in the public consciousness – what we’re actually doing is a full-on remake of the original game. We’ve been secretly working with the Gollops for a few years now, and it’s so exciting that I think I’m going to fai….”
Syndicate remake renamed “Future Manshoot”
“It just seemed like the sensible thing to do”, said a man.
First Skyrim DLC announced
Fears of horse armour and oddly disconnected standalone dungeons were allayed today, as Bethesda revealed the first DLC for Skyrim would be a complete, faithful remake of the entirety of Morrowind in the updated engine. “Well, it was perhaps our finest hour,” said a man. “Seems silly not to keep it alive, doesn’t it?
2D Boy reveal their next game
Seriously – come on, get a move on, chaps.
Half-Life 3 on Steam now
Avalanche given Transformers license
“I don’t know why they didn’t think of us before,” said a man. “So what we’re doing is making another big, highly destructible open world. You’ll play as Starscream, and you fly around being a massive dick to everything. Humans are only there to stomped on. Or squished. Or hurled into space. Oh, and there’s a bit where you punch clean through Hot Rod’s face.”
Bullfrog reform, announce Dungeon Keeper 3
“We just thought it’d be nice to be loved again,” said a man. “And Kinect’s a bit crap really, isn’t it?”
Mojang making Lego MMO
“We made a great game about building stuff, and we live in Scandinavia,” said a man. “Bit of a no-brainer, innit?”
Obsidian working on Planescape title
“And no-one’s telling us what to do and giving us a cripplingly short deadline!” exclaimed a man. “So it won’t be released until it’s actually finished. That’ll be a novelty.”
Never update your graphics card again
“We realised that you can just, like, update the firmware or something and it makes your old card as good as a new card,” said a man. “Or something.”
Rock, Paper, Shotgun staff given $10 million “for being awesome.”
I mean, my car died at the weekend. I’ve got to buy a new one and everything. Does it really have to be another second-hand hatchback from the 1990s?