Cardboard Children: Raising A Glass

Helklo youse.

It’s four in the morning and I am reallky really drunk. I will try to fix the typos as I go, but I think it would be dishonest of me to entirely clean this page up. Some of the stuff should re4main intact to speak truly of my condition as I bring you this column.

It’s a columhn about my list abou the best games you can be deciding to play when tou are drunbk.


It’s fun to play games when you are drunk. It’s fun to do lots of things when you are drunk (have sex, dance, take out the bins “quietly”). But which games let you have good fun with them even when drunk? I mean, forget about something like Arkham Horror. There would be cards everywhere and no-one would remember the rules and inevitabvly, with the size of the table, someone would end up shagging a great old one on top of a Great Old One. No, a good drunk game needs to be something simple, with easily remembered rules, that is a HOOT to play.



First up has to be Buzz It! Here’s how I remember it working. You have this buzzer thing and a pile of question cards. You take the buzzer and take a card, and ask everyone one of the questions. It might be something like “What is the worst thing you could show your teacher?” Or maybe something like “Places you shouldn’t put your finger.” I can’t remember. Questions, anyway. Topics. And many of the questions offer the potential for some naughty answers and stuff. Anyway, the quetstion gets asked and then you push the buzzer and everyone gets five seconds to answer.


Up your wife’s arse.


I dunno. In a very small fire?


Up YOUR arse.


Up your vagina.


And if someone doesn’t answer in five seconds, the buzzer buzzes and the loser takes the question card. The person with the most cards at the end is King Loserpants. That’s it. I love this game. With a funny group of people it can be a riot. And all it really is is an electronic buzzer and some cards in a bag. Yep. Imagine playing something like this no I’m not going there.


I’ve spoken about King of Tokyo before in this column. Man, I love it. And it’s simple enough to be a great drunk game. Roll some dice, hit your friends, play some cards, laugh and scream. It’s amazxing! I know for sure that whenever I get druink I like to pretend I am some sort of Goidzilla, breathing fire and hornyness at everybody. GOOOOODZILLLAAAA! I like the rabbit one.

CASH ‘N Ghiya. No just vwriting my rps coliumnm. Why byou up?UNS

Wow. I’d like to talk about thgis more later. Cash ‘N Guns is this cool game where everybvody is like bank robbers or something after a heist. And every player has a foam gun. You lay out some of the money from the heist on the table, and then you secretly play a card from your hand. You have some cards that say CLICK and some that say BANG! And some that say BANG! BANG! BANG! Or something. And then when it comes time to divide up a share of the money, everyone points their guns at each other, to try and intimidate each other.

So, yeah, picture it. You;’re all drunk,. You;re all at a table pointing guns at each other, like something from Resrvor Dofs, You then have a choice of backing down, and not receiving your split of the money, or keeping your gun up and waiting to see whether whoever points at you is clicking or banging. Is this making sense? Sorry, so drunk. And then, whoever is still alive/standing when all the guns go off gets to split the cash for that round.

The gam,e is so simnple it feels like it shouldn’t work, but it does. You can really get into the character oif your gangster as you point a gun in a friend’s face. Occasionally there are turns where everyone is pointing their gub at one person, and that’s funny. I feel sick.


Wait. I want to get to something someone said tin the comments last week. They said something like “OH ROBERTY YOU SAY EVERY GAME IS AMZING, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE!!!”

Okay. Look. Look.

These are boatrd games, pal. Bopafd games. Board games. These aren’t computer or video games, where 90 percent of the stuff that hits the shelves is CREAP. Board games are playtested and playtestedf and playtested. And you know what? There are LOADS of amazing ones. That’s why guys like Tom Vasel have a Top 100 list. THERE ARE LOADS OF AMAZING BOARF GAMES. Board Games. DEAL WITH IR!

Well, I am soooooory if you haver a poroblem with me making it clear that there’s SO MUCH good stuff outy there. I am so so so so so so sorry that board gaming isn’t as CRAPPY as computer gaming is. SOOOOOORRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY!

I am sorry that CORRUPT HACK BASTARAD videogame journaliosts have made you so suspicious of praise that you instantly tune out when someone is positive about a lot of stuff. But don’t apply yuour shitty reasoning from your shitty viudeogames (which I love, by the way) to my amazing board gam,es.

I need to have a lid wo. A lie down.

I cannpot send this in tomorrow. It’s a mess.


Next wek I’ll be loking at Claustrophobia and Blood Bowl: Team Manager. I promise I’ll be sober.


Did I evn finish it? CHECK tomor,w

dontys edn ti. Dont send it.

EXTRA – 11am Saturday

Hi. James Purefoy here.

I’d like to apologise for the standard of today’s board game column by my good friend Robert Florence. We had quite a wild night last night, and after two beers Rob was flying high. We hit all the best Glasgow nights spots – Sleazies, The Garage, and then I forced Rob to take me to 7th Heaven to watch some strippers.

While getting a lapdance, I listened to Rob telling me about a new board game he had bought called Space Alert. It sounded, to be honest, like the most boring thing on earth – even more boring than that Walking Dead TV show I wasn’t even offered a part in. He, however, told myself and 19 year old blonde Aimee that he was very excited by it. It’s a co-op game, he said, whatever that is. And all the players are trying to avert disasters on a spaceship while a ten minute audio track plays that says things like “ALERT! THREAT INCOMING!”

He said, and I quote here “It’s kinda like Pandemic in a way, but with a ten minute time limit, and funnier and scarier and more shouting and AUUGHHHHHHHHHHHGHGH!” That was him being sick. He was then flung out onto the street, where he was mugged.

Later, while 19 year old blonde Aimee was grinding on my muscular naked form in a Glasgow Travel Inn, I had a long think about the notion of listening to an audio track of stupid robot voices while playing a stupid board game. It didn’t sound very appealing, but the sense of drama that Rob insisted it created reminded me of the kind of drama you’d find in one of my movies. And that can only be a positive thing.

Solomon Kane is available on Blu-Ray now.


  1. pakoito says:

    For my drinking games I liked that Resistance game from SU&SD2 where you had the missions and had to choose the “agents” to carry them. If mission fails everyone but agents drink, mission succeeds the agents drink, every vote round without agreement everyone drinks. The resistance is trying to sabotage even more often and the drunks sabotage player choices xD

    • trigonometryhappy says:

      That was the first thing I thought when I saw it too. Resistance: Drinking Game of the Century.

      Shame it’s so difficult to track down in Ireland.

    • pakoito says:

      You can play with a regular poker deck, I made the conversion on the fly as I was copying the rules from BGG. You need red number cards for good guys, black number cards for bad guys (proportions according to number of players, look up the table), 3 red figures for OK mission, 3 black figures for FAIL mission, Ace for leader.

    • trigonometryhappy says:

      Pakoito, you are a king among men. Thank you. Now I can play it until I get my hands on it.

      Wait….did I just pirate a boardgame? ‘Cause I’d hate to see what DRM for a boardgame actually looks like.

      “internet connection timed out, all meeple will self destruct in 5 seconds….please remain 3 feet away from the board.”

    • dsi1 says:

      omg boardgame pirates are killing the industry!

  2. Rinox says:

    Need more drunken journalism.

  3. LGM says:

    This is why I love this site!

    Just don’t drink and drive please! :)

  4. Quinns says:

    Stella work, there.

  5. pertusaria says:

    I vote for Fluxx (in whatever your favourite flavour is) – it never makes sense anyway, so why not?

  6. Sami H says:

  7. kael13 says:

    Haha, the James Purefoy thing is a joke, right? Can never tell with you guys!

  8. Inigo says:

    I tried WH40k while drunk once. I woke up next morning with a partially-disassembled XV-88 battlesuit in my mouth.

    I don’t even play Tau.

  9. CaLe says:


    • Nick says:

      aren’t you.

    • The Tupper says:

      One-word posts are often difficult to decipher. It does seem, though, that Wee Rab has been put in his place by someone who benefits from an altogether higher moral purview.

      I stand to be corrected, however.

  10. NR says:

    Holy shit! That James Purefoy guy was Mark Antony in Rome! This makes me far more excited than it should…

  11. The Tupper says:

    Considering virtually all of my comments are made while pished, the above article made me feel right at home.

  12. Qwentle says:

    Cash and Guns is even better drunk if you replace the guns you get with Nerf guns and add an extra stage after choosing targets to argue, then make a final choice.

  13. Strangeblades says:

    I played this game while half-tipsy. It was fun and insane. ‘We Didn’t Playtest This All’ card game. It’s like Fluxx only more crazy if that’s possible.

    link to

    It’s OK to put a link in here right?

  14. Tyrone Slothrop. says:

    I request more Gaming Gonzo Journalism please, oh fucking please.

  15. empfeix says:

    Quelf – that is the ultimate drinking party game!!! You guys better look it up cause its amazingly fun.

    • roguewombat says:

      Was just about to say the same. The game has crazy “roolz” requirements that are much more fun to act out even slightly inebriated than stone cold sober.

  16. Charlie Brown says:

    I was in Sleazies last night. And Seventh Heaven.
    Didn’t see you guys.

    Probably would’ve been an awkward conversation in a stripclub, anyway…

  17. Tiax says:

    Space Alert is TEH BOMB, you should listen more often to your drunk friends.

    Here a quick description I find quite evocative:

    “Imagine you and four friends are in a giant hamster ball. Now imagine that you have all been eating Snickers and drinking Red Bull for the last 48 hours. Now imagine that the hamster ball is careening down the Alps, bouncing off trees and skiers and dogs with whiskey barrels on their collars. Almost done – just one more thing – now imagine that you have to control this insane spherical avalanche of chaos, and that’s Space Alert.”

  18. Navagon says:

    Don’t worry, Rob. It’s perfect as it is.

    • McDan says:

      Damn right, it’s bloody excellent. Good to see your good friend james purefoy chipping in again as well Florence.

  19. luckylad says:

    Personally when drunk I find myself around other drunk friends who don’t exactly appreciate board games. Thus I play apples to apples because it is both simple and funnier to understand the more drunk you are. Yes I know its a bad game with simple rules but that’s all I need when I’m already toasted.

    • alexrudd says:

      Just play Cards Against Humanity instead. It’s basically Apples to Apples with better rules and cards that range from 3 to 13x more hilarious. Also, free if you print it out at home.

  20. Sicram says:

    I guess this is where I come in and ruin the fun by being a soberist, however I do not mind playing games with drunk people. Gives me the edge in whatever game that doesn’t test the pain threshold…

  21. dogsolitude_uk says:

    Been playing Skyrim all day, so only just read this, but a quick tip for future reference:

    Before going out and getting $#!+faced, obtain a bottle of lucozade, some Ribena, a small radio, some multivitamins and a multipack of Hula Hoops. Stash them under your bed.

    The following morning/afternoon, don’t get out of bed: put Radio 3 on a quiet volume (to keep the conscious mind idly occupied whilst the body repairs itself), and slowly consume the food, multivitamins and beverages.

    I used to do this when at Uni, and the day after the day after I was always fresh as a daisy, if a little hungry.

    • The Tupper says:

      A glass bottle of Irn Bru, last night’s pakora and a quick hand-shandy usually does it for me. Failing that, put Formula 1 on the telly (schedule dependant), ideally the Saturday qualiying session. The relaxing rhythm of the cars is like a ctrl+alt+delete for the head.

  22. stx says:

    Haha, ya daftie.

  23. celozzip says:

    if there’s anything more boring and annoying than people telling you they’re drunk or high on the internet, i haven’t seen it.

    • Raiyan 1.0 says:

      I’ll tell you what’s more boring. ( Now, now. – Ed )ing your Mom.

  24. caddyB says:

    That’s not how you spell drunk, noob.

    signed, caddyB the (un)successful troll.

  25. dsi1 says:

    Resrvor Dofs is just the BEST movie.

    • kit89 says:

      From your above statement, I read: Reservoir Dwarfs. Which does sound like a rather good film. :)

  26. Demiath says:

    I don’t drink…beer.

  27. Darragh says:

    Late to the party here, but I do hope that “gub” is a stealth Woody Allen reference.