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At Long Last, It's Martial Arts: Capoeira

It's a perfect way to exercise those abs while losing several teeth under the repeated hammer-like blows of an opponents heel

Perhaps I shouldn’t admit this, but one night last week I awoke drenched in cold sweat, my hands gripping the bedclothes as if they were the only viable scraps of flotsam to emerge from the splintered wreck of the good ship Sleep, which had been torn asunder by the crashing waves of doubt and the Kraken of existential angst. The question which plagued me was one which every man, woman and child has asked themselves, often in the hours just before a winter’s dawn when the streets outside are indistinct and all existence seems poised to crumble like a biscuit in a blender. Has there ever been a PC game that captures the noble and exotic art of Capoeira?

I whispered it to the unlistening walls, which really don’t have ears, and then mumbled it once more, addressing only the darkness of the room. If the darkness could have spoken, it would have told me that all would be well and I only had to wait until November 25th and the release of Martial Arts: Capoeira, at which time my sleep would go untroubled, the question finally answered, the void finally illuminated by a spark.

The civilised art (and it is an art) of Capoeira has long been ignored by the computing world, which is a terrible shame that can only be explained by snobbery and ignorance. The uncouth barbarity of street fights and face-punching robots is considered acceptable digital entertainment and yet Capoeira’s combination of smoothly flowing sensual grooves, erotic performance art and violent assault has had no virtual re-enactment within the Windows of these many machines. Until now. Or, if you’re reading this the day that I wrote it, until an undisclosed hour this Friday.

This is how we settle disputes down at the disco

Adam, you may be imploring the screen as if I am trapped inside and can hear you, do tell us more about Capoeira. Even though I am not actually there, I pre-empted your interest, the flames of curiosity rising ever higher no doubt due to my liberal application of the gasoline known as intrigue. Allow me to quote from the game’s official partner, Capoeria-World.com. I would direct you to go there yourselves but I know many of you are risk-averse and the site does carry this grave warning.

Capoeira-World.com is dedicated to provide every capoeira fighter with knowledge in Capoeira. Once visited, it will become your favourite capoeira website!

I would prefer it if you had a choice of favourite Capoeira websites so I will not impose this one upon you at such an early stage in your Capoeira journey. Perhaps you will prefer the ramshackle charms of Capoeira.com or the cumbersomely titled Start Playing Capoeira? My friends, the choice is yours. It is not for me to attempt to harness your free-flowing limbs and torso, but rather to send you gyrating in a rhythmic and yet threatening manner toward these many fonts of knowledge.

Many words may be used to exprlain capoeira. Still neither of these words give the exact feeling and expression of capoeira. The truth is that the only way to understand and learn about capoeira is to watch a capoeira game (jogo capoeira) or simply watch a capoeirista showing his skills.

Neither of the many words can help but I’ll share some of them with you anyway: passion, magic, religion and love. Do either of those sound like words that you’d like to become better acquainted with? Through the magic of circuits and simulation, let’s watch some capoeirista’s in action!

That footage appears to be three years old. And I don’t think it’s running on a PC at all. Could Martial Arts: Capoeira be a late release of a game that previously existed on consoles without anyone noticing? Of course not – that would be crazy.

It can’t be the same as the game we just watched footage of because “In “Martial Arts – Capoeira” you will experience unrivaled realism and challenging gameplay.” Don’t worry then. Forget that footage with the slow motion burping and biffing. Our version is going to be just like the real thing, with an in-depth career mode and everything. It’s even “powered” by a real person, Kerstin Linnartz, rather than running on a mish-mash of coded lines as I hear so many games are these days. What’s more, unlike lines of code, Kerstin is an “attractive presenter” who will be on the cover of the box.

"Hi, don't mind me, I'm just dance-fighting while smiling for the camera."

That’s just one example of the lethal cocktail of scintillating dance and bone-crushing violence that may or may not be possible in the game’s 13 real world locations, which are rather poetically described as “photo opportunities”. Who doesn’t want to pose like that in front of the Eiffel Tower? Or like this?

I'm pretty sure something scuttled toward me in this pose in one of the Silent Hill games. Could be wrong though.

I haven’t even covered the range of characters, from the spider-obsessed and recently bereaved Tarantula to the reincarnated Pharoah Bezouro. Fists will fly, feet will fidget and rhythms will be rigorously followed in keeping with the tradition of the sport.

As you can see, all is now well and it only remains to be seen what I’ll find to be anxious about next.

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Who am I?

Adam Smith

former Deputy Editor

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