BAFTA Publicly Praises Size Five’s Privates

"Thank you for honouring my game about diseased genitals"

If your only exposure to Size Five’s size five Privates is through this esteemed periodical, you may believe that it is little more more than a flimsy excuse for us to make jokes about willies. Not true. Last night, at the British Academy Children’s Awards, Privates won in the ‘Learning – Secondary’ category. This involved beating off competition from the likes of erstwhile Naked Chef and Turkey Twizzler basher Jamie Oliver. You can see footage of Dan Marshall’s acceptance speech and a brief interview by selecting the category on the right here.

I must admit that I’ve never actually played with the little fellows and neither has the chap talking to Dan if I’m any judge of these things. He does recognise edginess when he sees it though, so that’s good. Congratulations to the Size Five folks on the win, which gives me an idea for a pitch of my own. If setting games inside orifices helps to educate kids, how about a barely interactive, text-based Waiting For Godot game so self-referential that it takes place entirely up its own backside.

I believe the Academy knows where to find me.


  1. psyk says:

    2nd link broken :(

  2. Chris D says:

    Unsure of whether the beating off competition line is an intentional pun or just a sign of my diseased mind.

  3. Teddy Leach says:

    “I must admit that I’ve never actually played with the little fellows”


  4. thekeats1999 says:

    So this is the game that Microsoft refused to allow on their little box of tricks.

    So in a jump of twisted logic that would make any fanboy proud we could now argue that the Xbox 360 is out to make our kids dumber.

    Not that i would though…

    Or even worse, that Dan Marshall is out to edumicate our children.

    What would Hitler say.

    • simoroth says:

      From what I’ve learnt from Dans other educational games, Hitler would probably something about liking little boys.

  5. stahlwerk says:

    Dan Marshall looks a lot like this one guy from that Zombie Cow adventure game, you know, Ben.

    • Lambchops says:

      I’m pretty sure that Ben was responsble for all the funny jokes in that Privates game.

    • Ben says:

      Don’t carry that running joke over onto here, Lambchops!


  6. Fireholly says:

    I’m really amused by how much he looks like his sprite from Ben There, Dan That.

  7. Robin says:

    I don’t really understand the criteria for this award category (it’s not immediately obvious to me whether the other nominees are games, websites, shows, or what). But was Privates really the best of the “things” in the last twelve months?

    • Ben says:

      The criteria:

      “The specific purpose of all entries should be to educate children aged 11 to 16 and support or complement the curriculum through excellent innovative use of the moving image. Eligible formats included television programmes, www delivery (games or other interactive activities), CD ROM, DVD ROM, DVD and interactive TV.”

      The BAFTA jury voted Privates as the best in the Learning – Secondary category, Robin. I’m sure you wouldn’t have voted for it, judging from your frequent habit of posting negative comments on Size Five-related items, but they did.

      So, to clear it up for you, Privates really really really was the best of the “things” in the last twelve months in the opinion of The British Academy Of Film And Television Arts.

  8. frenz0rz says:

    I miss Turkey Twizzlers…

  9. brulleks says:

    “…beating off competition…”

    Was that intentional, or do I just have an inappropriately childish sense of humour?

    Or both? (He pre-empted).

    Edit: or should I just read all the other comments before making my own?

  10. Stellar Duck says:

    I just wish they would name themselves back to Zombie Cow. Size Five doesn’t work for me.

    • DrGonzo says:

      I don’t see why it makes the slightest difference.

    • Inglourious Badger says:

      I’m with Steller Duck, it was an excellent name. I guess they had to change it to get a ‘serious’ contract with Channel 4, in the same way teenagers change their e-mail addresses from to something more sensible when they start sticking it on job applications.

      Edit: Lol, that automatically made a link. I would advise noone to click on it, that’s not a real e-mail address (I think and hope)

  11. rapchee says:

    actually there is already a waiting for godot game: link to
    well it was renamed because who would want to have free publicity
    although maybe a text-based version could be more meta

  12. Lusit says:

    My privates are size six.

    • Llewyn says:

      Those are your feet. You might want to think about picking up some sort of revision guide for that whole birds-and-bees thing.

  13. shoptroll says:


    By the way, does anyone know what happened to the expansion plans for this game? It was a fun, but a little buggy, jaunt, and I was looking forward to more of it.

  14. ArgonautPollux says:

    I keep mistaking the BAFTA for the BATFE.

  15. jrodman says:

    I’d sure like to try out that gentleman Dan’s Size Five Privates. *cough*.