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Damsel Makes Distress: Hyper Princess Pitch

The best Goddess

Stop it! I don’t care what it is you’re doing, just stop for a minute and do this instead. Download Hyper Princess Pitch, a game where an angry princess vows to destroy a friendly robotic Santa and all his helpers because she didn’t receive enough gifts as a child. I think she still is a child. I don’t know – the backstory seemed vague and altogether less important than shooting giant toy-bearing sleighs down in flames. Princess Pitch is a feisty so-and-so, running through Santa’s grotto as if it were the set of Smash TV. Accompanied by her cat that appears to have a jetpack for a bottom, she merrily piledrives trains into the ground and blasts hundreds of robotic Daddy Crimbles into bits. Free, festive and fantastic. Trailer below.

A ‘remake’ of Operaton: Carnage, this was an unexpected delight, with its jaunty music and old-fashioned yet beautifully detailed graphics. Although there are only a few levels, the intensity of the higher difficulty settings is reason enough to return at least a few times. We’ve covered Daniel’s work before and I’d advise checking out some of the earlier stuff as well.

In short, it is brilliant and you should be playing it right now. If you don’t enjoy it you’ll probably be visited by ghosts this Christmas because you are clearly none other than Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Stop maltreating your kind-hearted employee and hating crutch-laden poverty-stricken children because your troubled and unconfident youth has caused you to spend the remainder of your life feeling unloved, driving you to lavish all your affection on money simply because it is the one thing that you have found yourself able to keep close in a world that you fear will never return the passion that burns deep inside you still.

You monster.

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Adam Smith

former Deputy Editor

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