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Saints Row: The Third Knows All Our Sins

How many men clad only in socks have been gunned down by a woman in a raincoat?

Despite its grotesquely high bodycount and the horrible and humiliating ways in which it rises, the utter absurdity of Saints Row: The Third makes it one of the silliest games of this or any other year. In celebration of the ludicrous actions that the inhabitants of Steelport are performing, Volition have added a map with a live feed of actions across the city to the game’s website. Unfortunately, because so many people are playing, it’s mostly updating with run of the mill vehicular manslaughter and lethal blows to the balls. But the far more entertaining stat tracker has captured some frankly alarming information about what’s happened since launch.

Imagine that these are being dictated by a town crier, walking through the crowds of pimps and top-hat wearing freaks with a bell in one hand and a scroll in the other. “Now, hear this!” he cries and then actually begins to cry as he thinks of the millions who have suffered the debasement of death by dildo.

– More than 2 million people have been bludgeoned to death by the Penetrator so far.
– 5.8 billion citizens of Steelport have met their demise while roaming around town. That’s 19 times the population of the US, or 85% of the population of the world.
– Players have spent a cumulative 2 years in their birthday suits streaking the streets of Steelport and making old ladies scream.
– In Whored Mode, 44 million pimps, gimps, and prostitutes have been dispatched.
– 650 hot dog mascots have been overcooked to death by players using flamethrowers.

The Penetrator would be the large purple dildo that is swiftly becoming to Saints Row what Mario is to Nintendo. It would appear people find it hard to resist bludgeoning people with such a thing if it is in their power to do so.

Of these statistics, the one I find most fascinating is the last. Is it accidental, this chargrilling of mascots, simply a side effect of the burnination of large crowds that just happen to contain human hot dogs? Or when people see a man dressed as a sausage, do some of them instinctively whip out the necessary tool in order to cook him, feeling it is necessary and/or just? Perhaps they even see the unfortunate soul walking the streets and immediately cast aside thoughts of more lucrative criminality in order to purchase a flamethrower and return to the scene, compelled to end him in a suitable fashion.

Clearly I need more data. Stats can be unearthed through the community section of the website but you will need an account – as far as I can tell that doesn’t mean you need a copy of the game but you will need to use the Initiation Station to create and upload a character. If you see anything more unhinged than the dildo deaths, do share. We must approach this rare opportunity to see into the minds of our fellow men with scientific rigour.

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Adam Smith

former Deputy Editor

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