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Skyrim: Naked Friday In Whiterun

Welcome to the naked city

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Recently, I maxed out pickpocketing in Sykrim. The top perk for doing this is that you can even rob items that people have equipped. This includes, for some reason, their clothes. Yep: they do not notice you removing their clothes. It’s a handy way of making heavily-protected enemies a little less tough before you go in for the kill, which is about the only reason I can think it was included.

It’s also a way of humiliating an NPC populace that has absolutely no idea it’s being humiliated, and would continue to treat me politely even though I could see their nipples. My cause was clear: every single citizen of Whiterun must be stripped to their underpants. It took me one long, strange evening, but I did it. Welcome to the naked city. And they had no idea of their own nudity. Or did they? Talking to them, I started to get the funny sense they knew what was going on after all…

(Important notes before we begin:
1) I let everyone keep their hats and shoes. Only polite, really.
2) Yeah, I have a few visual mods running here, most notably Xenius Character Enhancement and Skyrim Enhanced Shaders.
3) Some quest-centric characters have bespoke rather than generic clothes that can’t be removed.)

And here’s what they had to say about it:

“What’s the matter, you can’t stand the sight of a strong Nord woman?”

“You know what’s wrong with Skyrim these days?” I think I just might.

“Let me show you the power of Talos!” That’s close enough, thanks.

“Got to keep my eyes open.” Bit late for that, chum.

“Everything’s for sale, my friend. Everything.” So I can see.

“You should try the venison, it’s delicious.” I’ve never heard it called that before.

“I’m sure we’ve got something you need.” But where do you keep it?

“Got some good pieces out here if you’re looking to buy.” No comment.

“We got plenty of steel for fighting men.” Mmm-hmm.

“Don’t think for a moment I don’t take my duties as seriously as the Jarl takes his.” There’s absolutely no way I could get that idea, ma’am.

“Sleazy little man, but he has good stock.”

“Ain’t nobody high and mighty in these halls.” Evidently.

“Don’t even think about it.” Too late.

“Well, hello.” Er, hi.

“Come to chat with an old woman, hmm?” Um.

“Come to do your good deed for the day?” NO. NO. NO. And don’t think leaning provocatively on those leeks will change my mind.

“Don’t suppose you’d enchant my sword?” Snigger.

And then I got caught trying to lift some guard’s armour. Which didn’t go down too well:

As a lifelong crook, I wasn’t going to give up easily. Bounty? Prison? Nuh-uh, matey. Fisticuffs for the lot of you!

Well, they weren’t very heavily armoured.

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Alec Meer

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Co-founder of RPS. Dungeon Keeper & X-COM 4 Life.

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