Treadnaughts: Gratuitous Tank Battles

It wasn't over by Christmas!

Hello 2012! The observant among you may have noticed that I appeared to write something yesterday but I actually wrote that in 2011. Yesterday, I was still in a burrow eating the last needles of the Christmas tree in preparation for emergence. The first thing I saw as my eyes adjusted to the light was a developer diary for Gratuitous Tank Battles, so I brought that with me. Within, Cliff puts forward two game design proposals. One, “a sort of Upper Class World War I English General Simulator”, the other a game taking place during a war that has spanned centuries, leading to battlefields strewn with laser-spewing Tiger tanks, tiny infantrymen and robots alike. He’s making the latter. We must demand the former as well.

A game with tower defense elements that questions and comments upon the horrible madness of those very elements? I approve with all my approval.

It must be noted that in the ‘tanks inhabited’ stakes, I am losing to Cliff by about a million tanks having never been inside a single one. Who else has been in a tank? I bet it was fun, although maybe not if you were also in a war at the time.


  1. GT3000 says:

    Being in a tank and commanding it on the range was pretty exciting, cramped but exciting. Also helps when you aren’t in threat of being turned into molten slag or being crushed by concussive forces. It was pretty hot in there.

  2. Ovno says:

    I did tank paintball for one of my mates stag do’s was a great laugh, we each had a go at driving, loading and shooting was brilliant, cramped but brilliant…

    I think my two favourite bits were the fact that the tank paint balls could kill an unarmoured human and also that the tanks fire extinguisher used a gas that actively strips the oxygen out of the air, therefore if you breathed it in, you were screwed and if anyone else tried to give you mouth to mouth, they were screwed too, so if you have to use it hold breath, pull cord and run!!!!

    • DeathHamsterDude says:

      Oh my.

      I had no idea such a thing was possible. My whole life is now geared towards playing this game. I hope you’re happy. Before I found out about this I was searching for lovely girls, now I will lose myself in this obsession.

      Speaking of stag-do’s, I have mine planned out like a little 8 year-old girl plans her wedding in a pink binder. There is a place in Latvia that you can go off into the forest for a day with ex-KGB, drink all the beer and vodka you want, and shoot pretty much any gun you want, up to and including bazookas.

      There’s also a place in Africa where you can shoot a bazooka at a cow. But that is wrong in so many ways for me.

    • Llewyn says:

      You have your stag do planned out in a pink binder? Depending on your circle of friends it might be wise to commit the schedule to memory and leave the binder at home.

    • Ovno says:

      Here’s the site of the company that does it, they’re somewhere near Leicester.

      link to

      They also do landing craft assaults as part of the stag do and have military vehicle driving days too, plus a massive collection of military stuff…

      Was one of the best days out I’ve had =D

      I’m thinking about doing Zombie Survival Training at some point too

      link to

      Airsoft guns at night with zombies after a day of training, looks ace, especially with this quote from the health & safety people

      “If I could close this project down I would, people will be adversely affected by this event.”
      Mr Khan – Health and Safety Rep for Worcester County Council.

    • DeathHamsterDude says:

      @Llelwyn – I think my friends would appreciate the dichotomous nature of the binder and its’ contents.

      @Ovno – Thanks man. I’m in Ireland, but it’d definitely be the sort of thing I’d do. Consider both of those bookmarked. Might have to gather a bunch of friends and head off for a weekend sometime. Zombie training would be amazing too. Damn I’d love that. Even better when there’s talk of people being adversely affected. That makes me happy inside!

  3. Klydefrog says:

    let me be the first to say that we here at RPS are the market for First World War Upper-Class General Simulator 2012

  4. westyfield says:

    “It draws on a Doctor Who episode, The Genesis of the Daleks.”

    Sold. That’s one of my favourite episodes.

  5. omacaco says:

    Why are there so many British people who have driven tanks. I’ve never met a person from any other country who has driven a tank (while not in active service military), but you hear all the time about Brits having driven and played with tanks.

    • Megadyptes says:

      I’ve personally driven no less than fifty-five different tanks. Our streets are packed with nothing but tanks, my father got his first tank when he was eight. Bloody government put an end to that, though. Yes, me and my friends are always driving our tanks around and playing with them. Oh look at the time, must dash, got a tank to drive. Toodle-pip!

    • Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      The Queen said so. Maybe you should try this monarchy thing, it has hidden benefits like that.

    • Lamb Chop says:

      My sister-in-law got to shoot a bazooka at a tank. And we’re American, so in this context that’s probably some kind of metaphor for the Revolutionary War.

  6. Ovno says:

    Ahh that’s easy it’s cus we’re a bunch of nutters ;p

  7. Reapy says:

    Still looks like a tower defense game.