The Secret World Of A Sean Bean Impression

Makes me think of the trolls in Fable for some reason

Funny thing, The Old Republic – while I’m still not entirely sure whether I like it or not (here I am wrestling with its inherent single/multiplayer duality over on Eurogamer, incidentally), what it has successfully done is restore my appetite for MMOs. I thought that urge was dead in me since the great binge of 2006-2008, but no, there the old hunger for virtual globe-trotting is again. So, hellooooooo Secret World. I had barely a lick of interest in you a few weeks ago, having plonked you square in the “oh, another one” bracket, but now I hopefully wonder if you can meet my dark needs as well as doing something new’n’smart. Let’s take a peek at your gruff British Illuminati and see how I feel.

It’s a merry mix of scene-setting CGI and in-game biff-o-vision, including mirror-monsters, rock-monsters, crow monsters and money monsters,as well as answering that greatest of mysteries – what if John ‘Hellblazer’ Constantine was played by Sean Bean?

Feels like we’ve been writing about The Secret World since the site started back in 1873, so it’s vaguely incredible to me that it’s actually due out this April – a mere three months away. I hope they can achieve all they hope to achieve. What I personally hope is that encountering many of these mad, excellently-designed monsters means something – I don’t just run into a field and start clobbering a dozen of them at once, but rather they’re terrible, unexpected threats that I’ll remember and want to tell stories about.

Beta sign-ups here. I hope I get to be on the beta. Can I be on the beta, please? You can work out which of the three Factions you (might) want to be on with this cheery initiation test.


  1. PacketOfCrisps says:

    Winter is coming.

  2. forddent says:

    Now I really want them to make a new Constantine movie starring Sean Bean.

    Of course, I don’t know if they could, as Sean Bean has a clause in his contract stating he has to die in every movie.

    • Orija says:

      No, just no. I can see him as Chas though.

    • PostieDoc says:

      He never died in Ronin.
      It just turned out he was a cowardly fake is all.
      Would have been better if he had died.

    • Sassenach says:

      It’s all karmic retribution for Sharpe’s invincibility.

    • Hoaxfish says:

      But didn’t Constantine die… at least he almost did, but then all his deals with basically everyone meant they made him live again rather than deal with a big fight over who actually gets him.

    • whexican says:

      He didn’t die in the Silent Hill which is nuts because pretty much every one else did.

    • Kaira- says:


      Don’t worry, if the next Silent Hill movie follows the plot of the games even slightly, he will die in the next one.

  3. WMain00 says:

    I’m sorry, did that bit at the end say something about 64 year old whisky with ice?


    Fucking blasphemous bastards kill the lot of them.

    • PacketOfCrisps says:

      Hey, it could have been worse, at least they didn’t put Coke in it. Although I think you are correct, a swift death is the only way to deal with such a terrible offense.

    • westyfield says:

      Icy you guys have strong opinions on this.

    • His Dudeness says:

      Aye, if they put ice in whiskey they are likely to eat small children and push old grannys under the bus too. Fecking Dilettantes!

    • Ultra Superior says:

      When you have unlimited power and resources, you care little about someone’s opinion on how you drink whatever. 64 yrs old highland single malt?


    • AndrewC says:

      Wait – they should be eating grannies and throwing kids under buses? Is that the right way?

    • Stephen Roberts says:

      You could argue it both ways, in fairness. Properly enjoying a 64 year old whisky would be foolish to drink it neat. Adding a little water increases the range of flavours you can get from the drink. But if that water is ice to start with then the lower temperature will decrease the flavours (see: Guinness Extra Cold, or any supermarket packaged sandwich eaten immediately after purchase).

      They should have left it neat.

      Also… Video games?

    • caddyB says:


    • Trillby says:

      Aye caddyB. Best serve those cold, eh?

  4. Lorc says:

    It’s what the game consists of between those dramatic boss (?) fights that will determine whether or not I’m interested in this. Is there any information out there on the broader structure of play?

  5. Snargelfargen says:

    My only worry about The Secret World is that it will have an incredibly insular player base. The people on TSW’s forums have been participating in ARG’s for 2 years or so now. I don’t know how welcoming the game will be to new blood.

    • Hoaxfish says:

      My worry is that in practise it’ll just be very generic MMO combat.

      I’m not really sure I’ve seen any real gun play other than the typical stand and shoot, and no real “impact” from weapons. Dun know, maybe I’m just not looking.

    • Snargelfargen says:

      Haha, that may be the case. I enjoyed WoW’s combat a fair bit, especially the pvp aspects, so I’m tentatively hopeful. I understand that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea though.

    • ShrikeMalakim says:

      It’s not generic MMO combat.

    • skittles says:

      I have never really understood the argument that seems to pervade any MMO discussion, that they suck because attacks lack ‘impact’, opponents never really react properly etc. For one it is damn difficult to do that in an online environments, it is very easy for animations to desync in such a situation.

      But far more importantly the vast majority of single-player games are quite often worse than even MMOs in this regard, and I rarely hear the same complaint when those are released.

  6. thesundaybest says:

    I’ve been seeing this a lot and I’m wondering if I’m the one who is wrong – it’s impersonation, isn’t it? Not impression.


    • Daniel Rivas says:

      You’re wrong.

    • Lorc says:

      You’re not exactly wrong. The two words overlap here.

      You could argue that all impressions are attempts at impersonation, but the latter normally implies that the goal is to fool people into thinking that X person really is Y person. When it’s “an impression” it’s normally in an entertainment context.

    • Hoaxfish says:

      And that’s why I slept with my girlfriend’s twin-sister… ‘onest

  7. Alexander Norris says:

    He even looks like a younger Sean Bean.

  8. Cryptoshrimp says:

    This sound really interesting, but the three factions seem kind of… limited? I’m not sure, but they’re not very interesting. Templars in Europe, dragons in Asia, it’s a bit predictable.

  9. Wulf says:

    I’m still not sure that I’ll be able to enjoy this. It just seems too… bad. But not quite bad enough to get into B-Movie territory and wrap around to being so bad that it’s funny. The whole concept that all this is going on all the time and that no one notices it is silly. I wish they’d just used another setting other than modern earth, one that makes more sense.

    If you do modern earth, you have to do it right. And if you want to do it right, then you have to actually think about it. A good example of doing it right is the World of Darkness, old and even new, as they have rules which makes it work. But in this you just summon up a rock golem and leave a hole in a street and no one notices. I can buy no one seeing a blue police box on a street corner, but this pushes my ability to suspend disbelief way, way too far.

    It’s like asking me to buy into every conspiracy theory ever as a truth within that world, even the hollow world thing. Take the hollow-earth thing, for example. It completely contradicts every notion of gravity, so they have to rewrite the theories of gravity in the game (since they have all the answers). Not only that, but if they have the thickness of the earth as anything less than 7.3 miles, then that’s already been disproved by the SG-3 borehole project. This is why I really dislike modern day stuff. You either have to claim that it’s really well hidden (World of Darkness) or it doesn’t work.

    They just have too many things on the boil, and it feels like the story itself is going to boil over. I hate to use the word, but I feel that the Secret World is actually trying to be pretentious and failing. You have to be exceptional to make something like this work, and I just don’t know if they are. An MMORPG means that there are a hell of a lot of people doing a hell of a lot of things. It’s going to be a birthing ground to internal inconsistencies, and the lore’s likely going to be more of a mess than that of WoW.

    Except instead of having to retcon their own lore, they have to retcon history and physics.

    Well, if nothing else, it’ll be interesting. They have the balls, but do they have the skill to pull it off? Somehow, I really doubt it, and that’s what’s holding back any enthusiasm I could otherwise have for this game. They set themselves an impossible task, and impossible for good reason.

  10. wererogue says:

    Hang on, weren’t the Templars supposed to be the British ones, and the Illuminati the Yanks? Or is Sean Constantine our new guide to everything?

    • Hoaxfish says:

      Templar HQ is Britain (Europe?), Illuminati is America… but only the HQs. Have gun, will travel, and all that.

  11. djbriandamage says:

    This trailer did nothing for my anticipation for the game, but there are a zillion other factors why I’ve got The Secret World under my microscope and not TOR or other WoWlikes. Realtime combat with no autoshot, having to aim, researching real-world lore and history on the web to solve quests, referencing mankind’s entire history of tall tales and conspiracy theories and supposing them all to be true..

    It all sounds like a multiplayer action\strategy game wrapped around a Ragnar Tornquist story. What on earth could I possible anticipate more hotly than that? Well, Guild Wars 2, but only barely!

  12. OJ287 says:

    Blue D L, Pat.

  13. zergrush says:

    After being let down by a number of MMOs ( one of which is Funcon’s own Age of Conan ) I promised not to buy anymore of them at release, but I’m so freaking anxious for this game I won’t be able to wait =(

    I just hope they don’t pull an Age of Conan with this one =/

  14. Oddballs says:

    I got as far as taking the personality test and choosing a faction, whereupon I was asked to sign in with facebook, with no discernible alternative (I only spent about 5 seconds looking though). I’m certainly not keen of signing up to anything that’ll saturate my facebook with pointless shite unless I figure out how to turn it off.

    • caddyB says:

      I don’t even have a facebook account. What am I supposed to do?

    • Snargelfargen says:

      I pretty much gave up all hope of participating in the ARG’s once I found out that they were using facebook.

    • dofferos says:

      If you click on the beta link linked in the post and then click on the link to the faq you will see that the fourth question answer this and gives you a link to a non facebook beta signup.

    • caddyB says:


    • ShrikeMalakim says:

      @Snargelfargen: Facebook was only being used as part of one version of the beta application process. It wasn’t required by the ARGs by any means.

  15. Leftnt Sharpe says:

    Much like the gentleman in this trailer I am also a gruff Northern working-class bastard. Does this mean I am obligated to play as the Illuminati?

    • drdss says:

      Yes. Please consult your Gruff Nothern Bastard handbook.

    • theblazeuk says:

      Course kidder why do you think they shut down the pits? We dug too greedily and too deep

  16. Oneironaut says:

    Speaking of April, maybe Ragnar Tørnquist can put his skills towards some other project now that the Secret World is about to be released.

  17. DickSocrates says:

    Having your appetite for MMOs successfuly restored ultimately counts as a failure in life terms.

  18. INCA says:

    I just signed up for the BETA. Apparently I am suited as a Templar. And away we go.

  19. Discosauce says:

    Have to say, I was a bit impressed with the personality test, though less so with the main video. The faction trailers were interesting, I noticed that the Templar video really had nothing to show but close ups of the one female character’s tight clothing.

  20. cassus says:

    If this game turns out to be any good what so ever it’ll be the surprise of the year for me. I have so little faith in this game. After Conan… Those guys lost a lot of cred with that piece of crap.