Kirk Holds Spock’s Hands In Next Year’s Star Trek

How can they kiss with those helmets on? FAIL!
As if the year 2013 didn’t already sound futuristic enough, the co-operative Star Trek action game that was announced at 2011’s E3 finally has a release date: the first quarter of 2013. And there’s no chance of it falling into a worm hole, because they’re using it to get everyone excited about the next Star Trek movie, out May of next year. Slash machinima makers are going to love having control of Kirk and Spock. If there’s no “make them kiss” option, the makers have truly misunderstood their audience.

I think I’d better remind you about what the game’s all about, because it had completely dropped out of my cortex brain thing. Have a memory-aiding video.

It looks a little bit shonky, but that was early footage. I’m tentatively interested, because my love for Splinter Cell’s co-op endures and I’d like more games to focus on two people working together. I prefer smaller co-op experiences, generally, because it makes you feel like you’re working together, rather than playing a different form of team deathmatch. If developers Digital Extremes focus on two-player timing, rather than manly shooty bangs, I’ll be hunting for a Kirk to my Spock for long, romantic strolls in the Alpha Quadrant.


  1. AmateurScience says:

    I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favourite shop on the Citadel…

    • Chandos says:

      You’re giving away the secret threesome content!

    • Hanban says:

      There’s only one -some and that’s the twosome between Spock and Captain Kirk. The RPS corp in EVE has an unhealthy fixation on what is referred to as ‘Spock Porn’ which is essentially titillating pictures of Spock and Captain Kirk being friendly.

      The pictures are usually delivered as reward in the local channel for good fights in pvp where they are often times referred to as ‘gay’ or ‘retarded’ but I can for the life of me not see what is more straight than two males gazing out into the stars with each other as company in the night.

    • oafasdfasf says:

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    • medwards says:

      hahah Spock Porn is still a thing in RPS Holdings. I should resub :(

  2. alundra says:

    If there’s no “make them kiss” option, the makers have truly misunderstood their audience.

    By that do you mean that the audience has to be composed of bunch of obsessive homosexuals?? What? Now two men, regardless of their sexual orientation, can’t be really good friends anymore without anyone thinking they are gay??

    Damn, gotta bring the sad news to my (several) homosexual friends.

    • Maktaka says:

      Or Mr. Pearson made the massively unwise decision to read bad fanfiction that involves both Kirk and Spock of the recent movie. First rule of bad fanfiction: everyone in the story hooks up with everyone else for no good reason (especially the Mary Sue/Marty Stu character). If the story involves Kirk and Spock, they will get jiggy with it at some point.

    • Calabi says:

      Or could be this.

    • Craig Pearson says:

      You missed the point of the joke: it has nothing to to do with homosexual men, and everything to do with slash fiction authors, that I passingly mentioned in the piece, who can be any gender and sexuality and who just want to see Kirk and Spock snog. I know it’s the first thing I’ll be trying.

      I’ll bring the sad news to my (several) slash fiction friends when it turns out I can’t make it happen.

  3. sincarne says:

    Am I the only person who’s pondered how differently the various Star Trek stories would have played out had Starfleet been bothered to put marines on board every vessel? You know, like navies have done for a hundred-plus years?

    • Chandos says:

      Maybe after seeing the amount of sh*t that five men/women in tracksuits armed with tricoders can stir, they wisely decided against involving marine corps.

    • Durkonkell says:

      They did, they just call them ‘security’.

      They are… not very good though. Security officers generally get disintegrated at such a high rate that the bridge officers tend to go and do things themselves rather than send a security detachment. It makes sense, since the bridge officers have much stronger Plot Armour.

      (Seriously, why do the security officers – the people trained in handling weapons and not getting killed – always end up dead, while the scientists, explorers and engineers on the senior staff not only survive but tend to be much better shots?)

    • kikito says:

      “why do the security officers – the people trained in handling weapons and not getting killed – always end up dead, while the scientists, explorers and engineers on the senior staff not only survive but tend to be much better shots?”

      In twilight, why does Bella, a non-remarkable-at-all girl, attracts the two most attractive and abdominal guys in her class?

      Why, to sell that to the non-remarkable-at-all girls, of course.

    • TheJimTimMan says:

      Durkonkell: Because Gene Roddenberry was adamant that Starfleet was not a primarily military organisation. This is why the majority of common Starfleet weaponry only passingly looks like an actual weapon.

    • Mad Hamish says:

      Also Worf.

    • Brun says:

      (Inverse) Stormtrooper Effect.

    • Jahnz says:

      Oh god, don’t start trying to apply common sense to Trek. I love Trek, but sending top bridge officers on away missions? “So, we’re going to send the First Officer, the head of Security, the Chief Medical Officer, and the Chief Engineer down to the doom planet. That’s a good idea, right? (We will ignore the fact that they are all being transported at once because, hey, nothing bad ever happens when using a transporter, right?)”

    • sincarne says:

      TheJimTimMan and yet it’s a universe constantly on the brink of war, and when it is, it’s Star Fleet they send. Even as a kid I couldn’t square that.

    • Skabooga says:

      It would be neat to have a Star Trek show which focuses on the grunts of the ship instead of the senior officers. “Ensign, beam down to the planet’s surface and fetch me two dino-lizard-bird eggs for my morning omelet. But you can’t take any phasers because of the prime directive. Good luck.”

    • Antsy says:


      I stopped reading at “In Twilight, why”. Everything after that was superfluous.

    • jon_hill987 says:

      They did in Enterprise series three and four. Also, in a way, that was your job in the Star Trek: Elite Force game.

    • InternetBatman says:

      Maybe they want people to be useful when they’re not fighting. But more likely they have marines, and they’re just called security. Also, everyone in Starfleet has some marginal combat training.

  4. Domothy says:

    What annoys me about this, and it’s not unique to this game because Star Trek Online had it too, is that it grossly exaggerates the combat element of Star Trek. In Star Trek Online, for example, you casually committed genocide on every planet you happened to land on – and that video doesn’t convince me that this game will be to contrary.

    • jonfitt says:

      DS9 is the main problem with the Star Trek games. It convinced people that Star Trek could be about lasers and war and not about exploration and science.
      Since then every Trek game I can think of has been about shooting things.

      You have to go back to the early 90s graphic adventures to find something that resembles the early Star Trek.
      link to
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    • Koozer says:

      Because making an actual Star Trek game would be too hard.

    • DrGonzo says:

      This. A million times this.

      Star Trek games are generally disapointing for this exact reason. It’s also why the latest Star Trek film was too, and the Next Gen films before that.

      A good Star Trek ends up with Picard winning by quoting a bunch of Shakespeare at the aliens. Not fighting! It’s just not the Starfleet way. Even a gigantic crystal that eats entire planets does not deserve death in their eyes.

      Example: link to

    • InternetBatman says:

      I liked First Contact though. The Borg are the one type of alien that Picard is allowed to lose his shit over.

    • Ostymandias says:

      A proper Star Trek game would be absolutely fantastic. There are so many stories and concept in Star Trek that translates wonderfully into game form; free-form space exploration of the galaxy with an overarching story, research, diplomacy and a Starfleet command to provide you with funding and missions.
      Add to that conversations with space whales, tactical space combat versus Ferengi raiders, X-COM style ground combat versus said Ferengi when they board your ship, an ensemble cast of characters to join you on the bridge and in the engineering bay, romancing alien women with things on their forehead, dealing with strange strands of viruses, time loops, managing diplomatic meltdowns, shooting photon torpedoes at Borg cubes…

      Actually, if there is a game like this already – please do tell me.

    • RakeShark says:

      Your best best, honestly, is Star Trek: 25th Anniversary and Star Trek: Judgement Rites. They’re old DOS adventure games that don’t entirely revolve around genociding things in the face with phasers. Those are the two games that I think Trek snobs can ever come to some agreement that did the series and property overall justice. I’d almost suggest The Rebel Universe, but that game has faded into the past, and I’m pretty sure the PC speaker grinding of the red alert sound would drive you nuts.

      As for a proper new Star Trek game, there’s so much Trek to wade through and so many competing schools of thought that make it almost impossible please fans, much less get produced and be successful. Much like the Lucas ranch and their Star Wars property, no one really knows how to make Star Trek “Star Trek” anymore.

  5. NaN says:

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    • mentor07825 says:

      RPS Castle has more noble things to do then handle advertising, so they give that job to lowly peasents.

  6. kael13 says:

    A co-op, Mass Effect-style Star Trek action game? I’m in.

    I really dig the rebooted universe; it’s an adventure, in space. SPACE!

  7. Chandos says:

    I always thought the core experience of Star Trek was exploration, discovery and solving of mysterious anomalies. To me that’s how it differentiated itself from all out combat of Star Wars or other blaster-obsessed universes. This one instead seems to be on the same track as Mass Effect… or just a couple zombies away from looking like Dead Space.

    • Vinraith says:

      Welcome to the rebooted franchise, where we’ve done away with all that “gay” stuff in favor of making sure something explodes on screen at least once a minute.

    • Mad Hamish says:

      Yeah Star Trek died for me right about the time a lot of people said it was getting interesting. When DS9 turned into a space military jerk off. Voyager was nice, but didn’t make a lot of sense. Still with out Roddenberry it was just humans throwing their weight around or being attacked by the oh so evil aliens. Basically an excuse for pew pew explodey CG action nonsense. So much for humanity’s bright future.

    • Jahnz says:

      Jeez, I sure hope there is a lens flare every 3 seconds like the reboot movie.

    • Mashakosha says:

      @Jahnz even the director, J.J. Abrams, said the lens flares in “XI” were way too over the top. They’ll be toned down a lot in the next one, no doubt.

  8. DarksDaemon says:

    It’s such a shame they seem to be doing away with the ‘old’ people from TOS and continuing on with this ‘alternate timeline’ (read shameless reboot) team :\

  9. westyfield says:

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  10. Sarlix says:

    Pull the other ear Spock.

  11. jonfitt says:


  12. Jeroen D Stout says:

    The only way I can stomach the new mannerisms of Star Wars (bzzz, bzzz > characters) and Star Trek (pew, flash > science fiction) is by remembering that Babylon 5 remains almost unmolested (“you can blow up the station, but then nobody would prevent our man from broadcasting the dirt we have on your emperor’s 2nd wife – your choice, mate”).

    Truly sad what remains of Star Trek. At this point Star Trek feels to me “not even measuring up Battlestar Galactica when it got really bad towards the end.”

    • Andy_Panthro says:

      Babylon 5 was pretty damn good, wasn’t it?

      Much better than Battlestar Galactica anyway (either version).

    • Prime says:

      My girlfriend is currently watching her way through the series for the very first time. I’m so proud. Babylon 5 is still the best sci-fi show I have ever seen.

    • MrPyro says:

      My wife introduced me to Babylon 5; I’d somehow managed to miss it when it originally screened. It was a significant factor in my decision to marry her.

  13. Chaz says:

    Reminds me a bit of DS9: The Fallen. Which is no bad thing because I quite enjoyed that.

  14. jon_hill987 says:

    “I prefer smaller co-op experiences, generally, because it makes you feel like you’re working together, rather than playing a different form of team deathmatch.”

    If you want to actually play the game, rather than spend your time blowing up, Magicka is better with two instead of up to four so I am with you on this one.

  15. S Jay says:

    Isn’t Spock some sort of pacifist?

    • RakeShark says:

      The new Spock doesn’t respond well to “Yo Momma So Dead…” jokes.

    • jon_hill987 says:

      “Enterprise” suggests that, while only fighting when logically necessary to do so, Vulcans are quite proficient in Space-fu and other forms of combat.

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