One of the images that will be forever burned into my mind is the expression on the faces of Kieron Gillen and the brave lady who is now his wife when witnessing my first ever attempt to play Guitar Hero. I just didn’t get it. I tapped and hammered without logic or rhythm, to the extent that any sane onlooker would have presumed there was something terribly wrong with me. In time, I became at least competent at that short-lived plastic guitar fad, but today’s attempts at mastering free browser game Epic Sax have taken me right back to that humiliating square one.
It is Saxophone Hero, requiring you to tap the 1,2,3,4,5 and 6 number keys in time in order to provide smoooooooth sounds. It happens at high speed, and the long horizontal strip of buttons seems more of a challenge to dexterity than big clunky plastic guitar buttons ever did. Plus, it takes away the on-screen prompts on the later stages. You’re going to need a working memory, I’m afraid.
Fortunately, it’s also hilarious, as unlike guitar hero hitting the wrong key doesn’t result in a weird ‘unplugged from the amp’ noise but instead a reedy MIDI cacophony of weirdness. Getting it wrong is almost more entertaining than getting it right.
And then… oh, and then. The Guitar Hero overtones are abandoned in favour of escalating absurdity. Eurovision! A 10-hour Youtube jam! You’ll be hearing your own broken, insane version of the same song replayed endlessly in your nightmares for the rest of your life.