I Don’t Think Hot Coffee Is Actually About Coffee


Everyone, I think I’ve accidentally stumbled onto a terrible truth. Sure, Pippin Barr‘s latest savory sip of Flash cleverness, Hot Coffee, seems innocuous enough. I mean, there’s drink preparation and pleasant conversation – that’s it. But then, I got to thinking: who – aside from deadline-drowned games writers in a bleary-eyed state of perma-frazzle – drinks coffee at night? And the rabbit hole runs deeper. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy a bubbling cup of energy tar as much as anyone, but who actually loves the stuff this much? Guys, they say… they say some things. Scandalous things. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but this is probably the end of the gaming industry as we know it.

Right then, enough of that. As per usual with Barr’s projects, this one’s actually pretty fascinating. He discussed it on his blog, with particularly enlightening snippets including:

“So when I started Hot Coffee I was pumped (you’ll have to excuse every single word sounding like innuendo, I don’t mean it) about the idea of making this a totally “all comers” (oh god) game. So women could play it and imagine the other person was a man, or a woman, and men could play it imagining the other person was a woman or a man. And any other combinations I’m missing. And all would be happily feeling awkward together. But in the end I don’t think I’d want to deny that the game pretty much reads as having a male ‘avatar’ and a female NPC engaged in entirely heterosexual coffee preparation. Which saddens me, because it indicates a lack of imagination.”

“I’m sure it’s possible to make this kind of game with a more female sexuality behind it, anyway. Perhaps a large part of the problem is just that the dream of making the game agnostic to sexuality and gender was never going to work – that we experience sex so differently that you can’t generalise to “just sex” but have to come down on one side or the other when translating to a game. I simply don’t know. It’s a frontiere. We need to send our best men and women – straight, gay, and anything else – out there. Maybe something like [PS3 indie darling] Flower could serve as a potential counterpoint, all that swirling… anyway…”

He also, in part, chalks his resulting male focus up to his most blatant point of reference: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ infamous “Hot Coffee” controversy. Regardless, it’s great that someone finally had a big ol’ interactive think about it, and I can’t deny loving the idea of a single-PC multiplayer version of this where two players sit side-by-side and awkwardly swap sensual brews. So bravo, as always, Mr Barr. You’ve probably ruined coffee shops for me, but it’s a small price to pay for the Citizen Kane of whatever this is.


  1. Avenger says:

    I don’t get it…

  2. Squirrelfanatic says:

    I drink coffee at night. On weekends, all the time. But I’ve got the decency to do it alone, when nobody is watching.

    • Avenger says:

      It would be pretty awkward to drink coffee while a lot of people are watching…

      • Squirrelfanatic says:

        Yeah, now imagine some of them are taking photos of you drinking coffee…

      • f1x says:

        That sounds like a sort of porn subgenere involving coffee and possibly muffins

        • HothMonster says:

          I almost googled coffee and muffin fetish, but then I remembered I am at work and some day I might have to explain exactly what I was looking for.

  3. Toberoth says:

    Reminds me of Partygirls…

    link to lemon64.com

    • Jackablade says:

      I’m not clicking any link in a comment that features both the words “Lemon” and “Party”

  4. kikito says:

    The sludge made with by the so-called french-press “coffeemakers” isn’t really coffee. Real coffee starts as espresso.

    • Muzman says:

      My sister brought me a box of Turkish coffee from her hols and it was worth it for the box alone. It had pictorial instructions and broken English and everything. The instructions went, roughly: to make coffee – get saucepan- boil water – pour in ground coffee – wait – pour off coffee (use spoon to stop grounds) – drink.
      They may as well have included ‘give offensive gesture to Western wankers’ at the end there too, but it was plain enough.

      • caddyB says:

        Did you enjoy the coffee regardless? It’s one of my favorites.

        • Muzman says:

          The flavour, like the instructions, was brilliant (although I did end up putting it through a dripper mostly, like a pampered Anglo pussy-boy. I am Turkish man fail.)

      • Avenger says:

        Good to see some Turkish people are influential

    • Squirrelfanatic says:

      I must say I disagree. While espresso is delicious, I really really like the coffee my trusty little french buddy delivers. If the beans have been freshly ground, even better.

    • f1x says:

      Real coffee starts as ristretto.


    • jezcentral says:

      The problem now is instant-coffee-tards who know nothing about coffee. They just buy the same Nescafe Instant EVERY WEEK! All they’ve done since 2007 is change the packaging. IT’S THE SAME COFFEE, PEOPLE! They’ve just changed the “New recipe” logo each time.

      In my day (90s), we had the Gold Blend couple, but it’s been downhill since then. Thankfully, Maxwell House are bringing out a new Instant that blows everything else away, and people will drop Nescafe like the bag of dirt it is. I wish Nescafe would just die.

      EDIT: Changed the date, COD4 came out in 2007, not 2005.

      • frightlever says:

        You realise you’re the guy the real coffee nerds laugh at behind your back, don’t you?

        Coffee is a caffeine delivery system. If my work gave me free pro-plus pills I’d eat those instead.

        • LostViking says:

          Coming from a long line of coffee drinkers, in a country basically run on coffee, I can tell you coffee is so much more.
          Once you drink a respectable amount of it the effect of caffeine fades away anyway, and you are left with the enjoyment of drinking (preferrably good) coffee ;)

    • phlebas says:

      “starts as”? Are you advocating the heinous practice of watering down?

    • Gaytard Fondue says:

      Yeah, I don’t really think that Italian coffee is “real” coffee. Besides, Turkish Coffee tastes about 10²³ times better.

      • f1x says:


        Just kidding, I work with a Turkish company and I just cannot stand Turkish Coffee, its just too.. loaded, dont know how to say

        I personally love any normal italian coffee or decent quality expresso, I dont need it to be top quality
        I also enjoy coffees from south america they are really good, of course thats where most of the coffee grain comes from

  5. Squirrelfanatic says:

    Having played the game, I must say: This is not how you do it. Neither coffee nor sex.

    Sugar? Really?

    • Dr I am a Doctor says:

      That could lead to a yeast infection!

    • pipman3000 says:

      it doesn’t even represent how most people drink coffee while taking a dump and then pee in the empty mug because they’re too lazy to get up from the toilet/their ass has fused with the commode.

    • Bhazor says:

      You mean you don’t use a plunger?

  6. Gap Gen says:

    Has anyone ever made a game of Citizen Kane?

  7. JackShandy says:

    Is it really important to make a totally generic sex scene? “It’s totally inoffensive to every possible demographic!” shouldn’t be high praise.

    • stahlwerk says:

      I think it’s more of an exercise in making coffee based double-entendre and not get into gender/porn-script-stereotypes. Which he failed at. Miserably. Coffee, anyone?

  8. The Sombrero Kid says:

    I used to drink coffee before bed cause I felt it made me feel more awake in the morning, my friend said that it was because I wasn’t getting the into a deep sleep and that in the long run it’d burn me out, I thought I better stop just incase.

    • stahlwerk says:

      You know, before I gave it up, I used to drink it every night, every single night up until it was time to sleep, just to make me dream faster. You know, like when they flash those cameras on those Indy 500 cars and they just

      *Fwoop fwoop shoop fwoop*

      That’s how my dreams were, whizzing by.

  9. Maldomel says:

    I have a friend who drinks coffee all the time. Like, before going to bed too.
    That said, this game was pretty weird. Not bad, but weird.

  10. Zak T Duck says:

    I’m not really a big drinker of coffee. Is there a Tea version, even if it’s the fancy stuff like Darjeeling, Masala Chai or PG Tips rather than the good stuff like Asda Smartprice?

  11. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    All I want to add is: what about tea? Eh? I’m sorry, but the brown goop is not for me.

    Also.. rather silly. Seems a bit nonsensical to me.

  12. DrunkDog says:

    I would like to see an expansion to this game offering the option of adding Monin syrup. Creme Brulee please love.

  13. Andrigaar says:

    Was the beta minigame this awful? Not knocking the flash game, but what it’s mocking.

  14. Jackablade says:

    I like my coffee filtered through the gizzard of a civet cat. I wonder how that’d work into the innuendos.

    • Avenger says:

      I’ll get you started:

      “Oh, you have a cute pussy there”
      “Yes, it is pretty warm and fuzzy too. You want to put it to work?”

  15. Tom OBedlam says:

    I’m normally the first to prenteniously pour praise on art games, but I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here. Its like a Carry On parody of that awful bit in Farenheit.

  16. wouldestous says:

    i like coffee.
    its best when the beans are ground right before you make it and it doesnt sit on a burner for too long which will make it nasty.
    i dont care if its made in a press, a drip machine, as espresso or if the grounds are dumped into a pan of recently-boiled water and allowed to steep for a few minutes. (in the u.s. this last method is sometimes called ‘cowboy coffee’).
    i like milk but not sugar in it and can drink it up to 4-5 hours before bed.

    that said, i havent played this game

  17. fiddlesticks says:

    I have a confession to make, I don’t actually like coffee. I know, most people are all over it, constantly going on about how great it is, but it just doesn’t much for me.

  18. Daniel Klein says:

    The grinding was hard, but I just bashed the up/down keys with all my strength and hoped I’d last long enough.

    • cletus8u says:

      Personally I find if I grind too vigorously I always end up losing control quickly and getting creamer all over the place.

  19. Dozer says:

    I like my coffee the way I like my women: in a plastic cup. And with a spoon in.

  20. vivlo says:

    so.. i guess there are alternate endings, eh ?