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Update Double-Up: TOR's 'Allies' Patch And Pyro Day 2


I remember when games used to be obstinate, unyielding creatures. They’d prance through the room, coated in all manner of dust and bugs and glitches, and they just didn’t care. Now, though, they heed developers’ every beck and call post-launch. The things can practically grow extra arms on command. Case in point: SWTOR’s latest patch, which brings it up to not-quite-light-speed with modern MMOs and, of course, Team Fortress 2’s recent case of Pyromania. So then, let’s have a gander at what’s on the menu.

SWTOR’s additions are largely in the name of basic usability (see: group finder, ranked warzones, and the ability to choose your appearance regardless of whatever gaudy stat-boosting garb’s hiding underneath), but Legacy perks seem like a nice way to boost along the alt-leveling process. Still though, if players don’t want to slow down and savor a story-based experience like SWTOR, I think that says something about the taut limits of its class-specific yarns.

Pyromania Day Two, meanwhile, adds new weapons for Scout, Sniper, Soldier, and Pyro and a new level called Downtown Teufort (Edit: It’s not a level! I’ve been a fool. But this description is still wonderful, so I’m keeping it.) Valve had these wonderful things to say about it:

“Downtown Teufort: The mighty Manhattan of the Badlands. The Big Gravel. The City That Never Seeps (the slogan of our campaign to let people know we’d started getting a handle on our world-famous sewage problem). Whatever you want to call them, these streets are filled to bursting with opportunity (and, depending on the weather, up to knee-height with sewage).”

“Maybe you read that article in Tourism Monthly (‘Teufort: It is Horrible’) and you’re worried about murder, thievery and tramp attacks. Don’t be! Thanks to our lack of a fire department, they’ve got bigger things to worry about than you: Putting out all those methane fires.”

Delightful! Also, there are hats because of course there are hats. Personally, I’m a fan of the Scout’s snazzily shot up Public Enemy, but the Soldier’s Dumpster Diver helmet pairs nicely with his cluster-launching Beggar Bazooka. Meanwhile, the Pyro comes comes in last on the warzone wear catwalk, but manages to lead the pack in setting everything on fire – as is his wont. He now adds the knockback-inducing Scorch Shot flare gun to his arsenal. Unsurprisingly, it also “ignites enemies in a small radius.”

So yes, go play your freshly re-shiny-fied games. They missed you, you know. Look at their adorable widdle faces. Show them love while you can. They won’t be around forever. Except for the part where this metaphor totally breaks down because – let’s face it – pretty much every game released after the year 2007 is destined to outlive us all.

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Nathan Grayson


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