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Kicking The Kingdom: Kickstarter Coming To UK

Kickstarter have announced that the people of the UK will be able to start up projects on the crowdsourcing platform beginning this autumn. And they actually say ‘autumn’ instead of Fall or the Holiday Season. Huzzah, jolly good show and so forth. I’m sure there are plenty of up and coming developers who will welcome this move but I didn’t think of the young and the talented, I thought of the industry giants, a fair few of whom might well jump on this opportunity to return to their roots having seen what the platform has done for the likes of Fargo and Schafer. Think of all the wonders that Kickstarter could offer to this great nation. Below, a sampling of tomorrow’s headlines.

Nation Takes To The Streets In Jubilation As Queen Kickstarts New Crown Jewels

“While visiting our collection of sparklies on one of the rare occasion when they weren’t being enviously ogled by the flag-waving masses, we couldn’t help but notice how tatty they’re starting to look. What, we ask, is the point of possessing a brooch big enough to choke an elephant with, a bloody great ruby set in the middle, if the damnable thing isn’t up to scratch. After years of being hidden from various interlopers and royal bastards, often travelling like Walken’s own bally watch during particularly turbulent decades, the jolly old thing has more imperfections marring its surface than the half-wit cousins one keeps in Windsor’s darkest cellars.

The yacht would be splendid and all but what your regal majesty could really use is a new set of Crown Jewels. And don’t think this is just for us, far from it, I am ever a servant of the people and your pledges would be for the good of the nation. After all, you don’t want us showing up to galas and dinners looking like a frumpy old duchess, you want us to look like a fabulous queen.

£4.6 billion should cover it.”

Scotland Seeks Land-Saw And Powerful Outboard Motors

After painting a dotted line the length of the border with England, Scotland has now launched a Kickstarter campaign aiming to raise enough money to buy what the 30,414 sq mi country refers to as “a gigantic land-saw capable of, fr’instance, cutting down through my own proud soil to its very root and severing it from the sinking ship of fools hanging off my tail.” A spokesperson added, “Y’know, that sort of thing”.

In a separate and “entirely unrelated” Kickstarter project, Scotland is also attempting to raise the “£700,000,000,000,000 or so” that it reckons would be necessary to buy enough outboard motors “to pilot a vessel, say a large cruiser the size and weight of a brave and recently independent country, from somewhere near the coast of Ireland to the Caribbean. Or maybe down near New Zealand depending on which is the easier trip and how much of a pain in the backside the coastguard are likely to be.”

Keith Richards’ Flesh-Friendly Polyfiller And Trouser Press

Keith's face is in the middle-left of the picture

After being hired to stand-in as an erosion study aid for geology students, groovy rock legend Keith Richards decided enough was enough and will now Kickstart a research project with the aim of inventing a form of polyfiller that can safely be used to smooth over the troughs and trenches of his ravaged visage. A stretch goal, if the £15 total is doubled, will see top scientists tinkering with a Corby Trouser Press in an attempt to tweak the heat settings so that it’s possible for a man to rest his face within until he resembles a freshly ironed youth, pink-faced and as smooth as a salesman’s patter.

Keith was unavailable for comment as slight structural damage at Gaping Gill in North Yorkshire earlier today meant he was called in to action, utilising his features to stand in as the missing part of the rough-textured cavern, which is constantly tickled by the chill waters of Fell Beck.

Golly gee, but those are some exciting projects. And that’s just the start!

What other UK Kickstarters are you most looking forward to?

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