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Mass Effect: Paragon Lost Offers Details, Gets Vega

Unwrapping sweets in the cinema isn't a Renegade Interrupt. You're just being a dick.

Hurrah! It’s the first proper trailer for the upcoming anime prequel Mass Effect: Paragon Lost in all its glory. And by glory, I mean of course… oh good lord, you have to be kidding. It may have Production IG involved, but we’re not exactly talking Ghost In The Shell here. The fun series, I mean. Not the boring, over-rated movie and its even more tedious sequel.

Mass Effect fans, put down your plussedness. You shall need non of it today.

How do I dislike this awful trailer, let me count the ways. Firstly, I suspect the total will be slightly higher than the number of frames in this incredibly choppy action. Second, oh dear, that voiceover. Put down your damn cigar and copy of The Bumper Book Of Action Cliches and try again. I wonder how many times the actor accidentally said “the final frontier” instead of “the endless abyss”. Maybe he was distracted by the giant brain monster staring back at him from that nebula. It is quite distracting, with its giant eyes and gaseous smile…

He's Nebulous Jeff! Nebulous Jeff! Full of stellar entities, he's Nebulous Jeff!

As for it being James Vega, I’m not sure that we need the epic backstory of the guy who sat in my ship’s hold for the entire of Mass Effect 3, but never never mind. If he’s who Bioware wants to shill instead of someone, well, actually interesting, fine, whatever. I’m sure we’d have been bored by dark smuggling action on Omega or the Blasto movie anyway. It absolutely makes no sense to do lots of shorts exploring different corners of the Mass Effect universe, like Halo: Legends, only making them all really cool, unlike Halo: Legends. None at all. Sniff.

There is however no forgiving the line “Let’s get something straight. You ladies might be well-trained Special Forces, but you haven’t done squat.” Not only does that make me want to hear him cut off by the sound of Miranda, Liara, Ashley, Samara, Jack, Tali and Commander Fucking Shepard all walking in to take turns kicking this guy’s balls from Thessia to Tuchanka, I think we all know that this is how badass military talk goes in the Mass Effect universe.

Of course, this might just be an awful trailer, and the result might be another awesome animated game to video conversion like… uh… um… oh yeah. Sigh. Never mind. At least we’ll always have the official Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs movie to look back on.

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Richard Cobbett

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